u/obamaswaffle

I hope this is a safe space to post this. I can tell this sub has a huge variety of posts, from those who have perpetrated something to those who have been perpetrated against. I hope you’ll take a few minutes to listen to my story.

When I was 16, I started speaking to a much older person. It began as just an online thing, eventually turned into daily phone calls and constant texting. We spoke every day for a couple of years. I really thought I was in love with them. We both had experienced mental health issues and feeling isolated. We had similar taste in music, movies, all kinds of media, which made me feel safe as someone who didn’t always like the same stuff as those around me. They were there for me in times where I felt adrift and lacked a shoulder to cry on. We stayed up all night talking, laughing and waxing poetic.

They became the focal point of my life. I missed out on a lot of normal high school stuff. Instead of going to parties or hanging out with friends, I was home talking to them. I had people my own age I was interested in dating, but often stopped myself because I knew they’d be jealous (not to mention the dynamic would be hard to explain to a partner). And boy did they get jealous. If I didn’t call, didn’t answer texts or IMs, they would melt down and cut me out. I’d spend days depressed and anxious, feeling so low, only to be “rewarded” when they returned to me. They often dated and hooked up with other people. When I was jealous or upset, I was being clingy and dramatic. They were, after all, an adult. I was a kid. I would console them after their breakups or fights. Where I once had someone who I felt understood and supported me through my own mental health battles, I was now in the position of being their full-time emotional support.

We started talking about what would happen when I turned 18. I would plan my college around them, I would move in with them and we’d get married. Sure, my parents would probably never allow it, but it didn’t matter. “I was so mature for my age.” We had many sexually explicit conversations, but stopped shy of sharing any explicit photos. We met a couple of times but kept any physical interaction strictly within the lines.

I didn’t end up moving in with them and, when I went away to college, our relationship fizzled out. I made amazing friends during college and began to come out of my shell. I had relationships that, unfortunately, often mirrored the one I’ve been discussing above. I was, and still am, drawn to people who are messy, unstable, problematic. I still feel safest around people who have experienced mental health struggles, but I dated many in my adult life who abused, manipulated and took advantage of my compassion and desire to help them. Honestly, I just really started seeking out projects.

I’m married now, to an amazing person who is nothing like my groomer or any of those other partners. I feel loved, supported, seen. Unfortunately, I now find myself increasingly plagued by anxiety, abandonment issues and insecure attachments. I have a coworker who reminds me, in many ways, of someone I would’ve dated in a past life. We’re friends and that’s all it is, but I’ve privately struggled with craving their attention and validation. Despite being happy in my marriage, I still worry very much about them liking or accepting me and find myself returning to old patterns (did they read my message? Did I say something wrong? I bet they hate me now). This has slowly become extended to my spouse, my closest friends and family members. I’m suddenly that needy teenager who was different from everyone else and needed to constantly prove myself to avoid being abandoned.

I’m in therapy weekly and am on medication. I’m committed to working through this, but it’s been kind of a huge revelation to me that this experience I had as a minor has influenced my emotional needs and desires and contributed to this desperate need to please everyone and to constantly check in to make sure I’m still loved. If you have experienced something like this, I would love to hear any strategies you’d recommend while I come to terms with all this and try to reclaim my peace here. I think my story is probably a pretty typical one and I think that’s part of why I tried to brush off the long term impact of it for so long.

I hope this is a safe space to post this. I know it’s never fair to compare your own trauma to others’, but reading through some of your stories on here has been harrowing. So many of you have survived so much and it’s both heartbreaking and inspiring to see how you’ve risen above.

My story: when I was 16, I started speaking to a much older person. It began as just an online thing, eventually turned into daily phone calls and constant texting. We spoke every day for a couple of years. I really thought I was in love with them. We both had experienced mental health issues and feeling isolated. We had similar taste in music, movies, all kinds of media, which made me feel safe as someone who didn’t always like the same stuff as those around me. They were there for me in times where I felt adrift and lacked a shoulder to cry on. We stayed up all night talking, laughing and waxing poetic.

They became the focal point of my life. I missed out on a lot of normal high school stuff. Instead of going to parties or hanging out with friends, I was home talking to them. I had people my own age I was interested in dating, but often stopped myself because I knew they’d be jealous (not to mention the dynamic would be hard to explain to a partner). And boy did they get jealous. If I didn’t call, didn’t answer texts or IMs, they would melt down and cut me out. I’d spend days depressed and anxious, feeling so low, only to be “rewarded” when they returned to me. They often dated and hooked up with other people. When I was jealous or upset, I was being clingy and dramatic. They were, after all, an adult. I was a kid. I would console them after their breakups or fights. Where I once had someone who I felt understood and supported me through my own mental health battles, I was now in the position of being their full-time emotional support.

We started talking about what would happen when I turned 18. I would plan my college around them, I would move in with them and we’d get married. Sure, my parents would probably never allow it, but it didn’t matter. “I was so mature for my age.” We had many sexually explicit conversations, but stopped shy of sharing any explicit photos. We met a couple of times but kept any physical interaction strictly within the lines.

I didn’t end up moving in with them and, when I went away to college, our relationship fizzled out. I made amazing friends during college and began to come out of my shell. I had relationships that, unfortunately, often mirrored the one I’ve been discussing above. I was, and still am, drawn to people who are messy, unstable, problematic. I still feel safest around people who have experienced mental health struggles, but I dated many in my adult life who abused, manipulated and took advantage of my compassion and desire to help them. Honestly, I just really started seeking out projects.

I’m married now, to an amazing person who is nothing like my groomer or any of those other partners. I feel loved, supported, seen. Unfortunately, I now find myself increasingly plagued by anxiety, abandonment issues and insecure attachments. I have a coworker who reminds me, in many ways, of someone I would’ve dated in a past life. We’re friends and that’s all it is, but I’ve privately struggled with craving their attention and validation. Despite being happy in my marriage, I still worry very much about them liking or accepting me and find myself returning to old patterns (did they read my message? Did I say something wrong? I bet they hate me now). This has slowly become extended to my spouse, my closest friends and family members. I’m suddenly that needy teenager who was different from everyone else and needed to constantly prove myself to avoid being abandoned.

I’m in therapy weekly and am on medication. I’m committed to working through this, but it’s been kind of a huge revelation to me that this experience I had as a minor has influenced my emotional needs and desires and contributed to this desperate need to please everyone and to constantly check in to make sure I’m still loved. If you have experienced something like this, I would love to hear any strategies you’d recommend while I come to terms with all this and try to reclaim my peace here. I think my story is probably a pretty typical one and I think that’s part of why I tried to brush off the long term impact of it for so long.

I hope this is a safe space to post this. I know it’s never fair to compare your own trauma to others’, but reading through some of your stories on here has been harrowing. So many of you have survived so much and it’s both heartbreaking and inspiring to see how you’ve risen above.

My story: when I was 16, I started speaking to a much older person. It began as just an online thing, eventually turned into daily phone calls and constant texting. We spoke every day for a couple of years. I really thought I was in love with them. We both had experienced mental health issues and feeling isolated. We had similar taste in music, movies, all kinds of media, which made me feel safe as someone who didn’t always like the same stuff as those around me. They were there for me in times where I felt adrift and lacked a shoulder to cry on. We stayed up all night talking, laughing and waxing poetic.

They became the focal point of my life. I missed out on a lot of normal high school stuff. Instead of going to parties or hanging out with friends, I was home talking to them. I had people my own age I was interested in dating, but often stopped myself because I knew they’d be jealous (not to mention the dynamic would be hard to explain to a partner). And boy did they get jealous. If I didn’t call, didn’t answer texts or IMs, they would melt down and cut me out. I’d spend days depressed and anxious, feeling so low, only to be “rewarded” when they returned to me. They often dated and hooked up with other people. When I was jealous or upset, I was being clingy and dramatic. They were, after all, an adult. I was a kid. I would console them after their breakups or fights. Where I once had someone who I felt understood and supported me through my own mental health battles, I was now in the position of being their full-time emotional support.

We started talking about what would happen when I turned 18. I would plan my college around them, I would move in with them and we’d get married. Sure, my parents would probably never allow it, but it didn’t matter. “I was so mature for my age.” We had many sexually explicit conversations, but stopped shy of sharing any explicit photos. We met a couple of times but kept any physical interaction strictly within the lines.

I didn’t end up moving in with them and, when I went away to college, our relationship fizzled out. I made amazing friends during college and began to come out of my shell. I had relationships that, unfortunately, often mirrored the one I’ve been discussing above. I was, and still am, drawn to people who are messy, unstable, problematic. I still feel safest around people who have experienced mental health struggles, but I dated many in my adult life who abused, manipulated and took advantage of my compassion and desire to help them. Honestly, I just really started seeking out projects.

I’m married now, to an amazing person who is nothing like my groomer or any of those other partners. I feel loved, supported, seen. Unfortunately, I now find myself increasingly plagued by anxiety, abandonment issues and insecure attachments. I have a coworker who reminds me, in many ways, of someone I would’ve dated in a past life. We’re friends and that’s all it is, but I’ve privately struggled with craving their attention and validation. Despite being happy in my marriage, I still worry very much about them liking or accepting me and find myself returning to old patterns (did they read my message? Did I say something wrong? I bet they hate me now). This has slowly become extended to my spouse, my closest friends and family members. I’m suddenly that needy teenager who was different from everyone else and needed to constantly prove myself to avoid being abandoned.

I’m in therapy weekly and am on medication. I’m committed to working through this, but it’s been kind of a huge revelation to me that this experience I had as a minor has influenced my emotional needs and desires and contributed to this desperate need to please everyone and to constantly check in to make sure I’m still loved. If you have experienced something like this, I would love to hear any strategies you’d recommend while I come to terms with all this and try to reclaim my peace here. I think my story is probably a pretty typical one and I think that’s part of why I tried to brush off the long term impact of it for so long.