u/oddbug_06

hi sorry this feels awkward and random i found this through a diffrent sh thing but this one seems like it encourages it less which is good anyway i have struggled with sh since i was 12 or 13 im now 20 and i still struggle with it and i have been trying to stop for years but i just cant seem to actaully stop the longest i have ever gone is 3 months without and like i had been doing it less and it still is less but like i havent had help since being a minor and that was help i was forced to go to so i didnt actaully talk to them and well i have my first appointment that i have chosen to go to this week and well i dont want to go even though i know i should cause in the past i have had bad experiances with getting help like being told im wasting their time and not struggling cause i dont look like i am but like other then the intake this will be the first appointment since i was like 15 and i just dont know how i feel cause like i felt worse after the intake appointment cause they where asking all the like risk questions around sh and asked if i could keep myself safe until the appointment which i said yes to cause like who is going to answer that honestly especially when it sounded like they where asking if i could not sh at all but the truth is that i actaully got worse after the appointment like relapsing more so i guess im worried the appointment this week will end up the same with me just feeling worse and like shuting down i can get somewhat non verbal when trying to get help or like overwhelmed or stressed i guess my point of this is does anyone have advise or like there experiance to maybe help me feel less bad about the appointment and stuff

sorry if this sounds a little dark or just like random but i just want to put my thoughts somewhere and see if anyone else is similar. i have struggled with sh since i was like 13 i think and im now 20 and like it just feels like it wont end like i have been trying to get clean for years so i guess its probably like an addiction now in a way but like i promised myself i would stop so many times but that is easier said then done and like i have tried to put the right supports in place but its just hard cause it feels like i will lose control of who knows and like currently im trying to organise to see a counsellor again and over the years i have gotten better with it like i dont do it as much and like i have never done it deep so like while i do it less and like practice harm minimisation it still feels like i will never be able to stop and like i just hate it cause i cant wear what i want and stuff like that and im paranoid about people seeing i wish i could go back in time and just never start or well never have the thoughts in the first place but then who knows if i would still be here with out it so idk

so i have a really hard time to understand how i feel both emotions and just like a general way cause of mental health and i cant tell if its just that or if i might be aroace cause like im pretty sure i dont like guys but at the same time i have never had a crush or liked anyone i dont think but like i cant tell and like i feel like i should have liked someone by now like im 20 when i was younger i just thought i must be a lesbian cause no guys but it might be anyone but guys or it might be no one but like i dont want it to be no one