u/ofthesacredash

Checking in to see how badly local folks were impacted by the storms last night. Everyone ok?

I've (30sNB) been with Aspen (40smtF) for over three years. And I started seeing Birch (50sM) about half a year ago. My dynamic with Aspen was very quick, but in a lovely way. And we have weathered hard storms together, but still have a deep and passionate love story. I didn't expect a relationship with Birch, and Birch wasn't actively seeking a relationship when we met. It was magnetic and electric from the start. I split my weeks between two residences. At one residence I'm the sole provider (as was negotiated and decided) and I support with groceries and odds and ends at the other location. It's been a wild dynamic, huge adjustment, and I've grown deeply in love with both Aspen and Birch through this journey.

Aspen has a LDR and Birch has two FWBs he sees maybe once a month, but can be a longer period in between. Each time I get a bit anxious that I will look less shiny and exciting after his time with them. And I've done lots of therapy, journaled my heart out, and get verbal reassurance from him throughout it all.

I have never loved anyone as I do Aspen.

I have never loved anyone as I do Birch.

But maybe I'm not great at nonmonogamy? I don't know if the small fights that come out of my insecurities are worth keeping me around. I feel I'm constantly waiting for Birch to finally grow tired of reassuring me. I don't feel my progress through my insecurities has been enough.

It makes me ill to think of being without either of these people. But it's also very exhausting to feel like, at any point, I won't be worth the trouble for either of them.

Backstory: recent changes in mental health medication (not fully certain we've found the magic dose on the new medicine). I have a lot of relationship trauma. Dramatically failed prior relationships. Betrayal. I was with an addict for five years.

I just don't know what's left for me to self soothe through Birch's hangouts. I don't know how to recover confidence when I somehow feel inadequate. I feel boring and predictable. Plain and unattractive.

Do I release both of these people and work on myself? Do I let Birch go so he isn't bound to my down moods and my struggles? Do I try something I'm missing? Does this mean that despite being fully Relationship Anarchy theory minded that I can't actually live it in practice? Am I a failure at ENM?

I've had multiple partners prior to Birch, while with Aspen. But it's never been this severe for anxiety or inadequacy. And Birch is an extremely lovely human. They haven't done anything—literally—that would make me think they're bored of me or I'm a consolation prize.

Maybe I'm just too broken for any relationship?