i don’t feel like i am going to be able to move on from this
i posted in here a few days ago about how i was seeing a girl who has been struggling with mental health issues recently and how i felt like she was losing interest in me, but have since deleted that post. for clarity, i am 28 and have only been out for a year. i have only had one other relationship with a woman that did not end very well based on a lot of factors.
i finally stopped being avoidant and finally asked her last night if she had lost interest in me or if it was just her mental health that has made things change. she told me that she hadn’t lost interest in me but there has been things on her mind about us, like how i have made comments about never wanting kids and how that is a non negotiable for her because she wants to be a mom and that with how she has felt lately she doesn’t know if a relationship is the right thing for her right now. the kids thing kind of threw me off because my hinge profile says that i don’t want kids. i feel like if that was something that meant a lot to her that she should have had that conversation with me pretty early on on whether i may change my mind about that someday. i had no idea or indication that having kids was something that she wanted.
i asked her if she still thinks that there is a future for us after she works on herself and she said that she doesn’t know. her words were, “i could say yes now and mean that but i don’t know if that may change after i work through things”. i asked her if i should just try to be there for her as a friend or if we just keep doing things how they are and she said that she doesn’t know what she needs but that she doesn’t want to quit talking to me everyday but that’s selfish of her to ask of me. i told her that i could be whatever she needed me to be and that i didn’t want to stop talking to her either. last night when i laid down, i at least felt clarity and like maybe we could make this work eventually, but this morning i feel like i have this a million pound weight on my chest.
i don’t want to stop talking to her. i have never had someone ignite these feelings in me like she has. all i can think about is how i felt so comfortable and safe wrapped in her arms and how i had kissed her more that the one time we met because i was so nervous. i thought i was going to have the opportunity to do it again but now i feel like that’s just lost. i don’t want to stop talking to her, but i am hurting. i can’t eat, i can’t sleep. i just sit here all day looking at my phone waiting to see a text from her. i know it’s not healthy but i don’t feel like i can stop. i know time is supposed to heal things, but i am so scared that i will never find this feeling with someone ever again. that i will look for pieces of her in any relationship with someone else in the future. i feel like i can’t voice any of this to her because i do not want to make her mental health worse. i am just lost and don’t know what i am supposed to do.