u/outerzenith

I feel like there's one thing that many failed to communicate about adulthood, it's that it's not one big problem to solve and then got a break, instead it's more like an endless conveyor belt of small problems after small problem, sometimes big problem slips in too, one resolves and another is already waiting behind it; there seems to be no finish line where you get to exhale, the finish line is my own demise

and when I start feeling like that, rest stops feeling like rest, even in doing my own hobbies come with this annoying nagging sense that I should be doing something productive instead, like maybe my relaxation has to be earned? and I clearly haven't earned it because I already see another problem in front of me, so even in my downtime I still gets contaminated by guilt

whenever I have a choice between gathering energy for something more enjoyable vs facing tomorrow's problems, I always choose sleep because the problems don't stop and I need the fuel just to keep meeting them

so with leftover energy, I just doomscroll away instead of gaming or hobbies or doing my side projects... I doomscroll not because I find it more enjoyable than my hobbies, but because the activity simply cost less energy, it's a low-effort way to be unconscious while technically still being awake

man... I hate this

sorry, just need to write this down, I might not even be here in the next few hours (just going to work lol, don't worry)

not even really looking for anything, might even delete this later after I'm back home and copied this entry

I'm just at the ships graveyard level, the one in Sahara where you have to collect $100,000

managed to win the arena fight, the jewel, and got Scorpius' burner phone with quite a lot of stealthy violence and takedowns

at the container 76, I was alerted to Scorpius' henchmen (if I got the phone silently, would there be no reinforcement?) and screwed up so I thought maybe I'd restart at checkpoint

the checkpoint is aaaalllll the way back when I still haven't got any money

wtf

even during the arena fight, I lost once, Retry and the game put me back right before the next opponent--so I thought the save icon in the corner is a mark for Checkpoint.

Basically,

retry is very close to last encounter

checkpoint is basically restarting the whole 'sub-part' of the level

is this intended... somehow? would be nice to have the 'Retry' option without dying...

oh well