u/pandoramemora

I work as a volunteer in a children's hospital, and my job is basically watching over my team and playing with the kids. I love it, but every now and then, we get a teen/tween.

today, there was this pair of 12-year-old boys. I did the whole "hey how old are you guys? do you want to play with us? we have cool stuff!" and they already started annoying me because I gave them several options, and they decided they wanted to do what I was doing, which was not part of the activities for the kids that I had offered but crocheting a commission with my own stuff. but okay, fine, I don't mind teaching a kid some art. except he couldn't follow basic orders like "hold the yarn", "close your fingers". my 7-year-old autistic cousin managed to go from 0 crochet knowledge to starting a scarf in 20 minutes and this fuckass kid literally couldn't hold the yarn. at some point, I just gave up repeating myself and told him to keep trying until he eventually got bored and gave me it back. then his brother wanted to as well, but it was basically the same shit. we tried doing some origami which, mind you, we usually do that stuff with kids aged like 4, and they couldn't do it either.

they were doing their thing, and at some point, I noticed they were very keen on talking to me and making me pay attention to them as well as the other girl. we're both the shortest in the team, shorter than the boys, cause we're asian so I was like "okay, I know what the fuck this is" and I just got more annoyed. one was trying to scare the other girl while the other grabbed my fucking phone and started asking like "what's your phone brand?" and "give me your password". brother I'm not giving you my damn password. then I saw him doing that same thing with another girl in our team and even made her give him her headphones and phone. they were in our board game room while I was sitting in our crafts room and one of them told me he wanted ME to sit with them. skyhigh cortisol levels but I'm not supposed to be rude to the kids so I said "okay, but I'm not gonna play because I'm working".

 he then stared at me for a couple of minutes and said "are you from an anime?". ???????????????????????????? what the fuck. what the hell do you even mean I'm FROM an anime? ughhhhhhz I'm getting pissed off just thinking about it. at this point I was just pretending I'm retarded and said "no? :)".

I usually hold onto the activities until past our closing time but this time, the other supervisor wanted to wrap things up 20 minutes earlier because she had somewhere to be, and I just immediately agreed. give me one hundred conjunctivitis infected children, but don't make me handle a teen boy.

I look so cute rn and I'm in such a romantic mood today, I'll probably get married to the first man who picks up some object I ditzily dropped on my way to work because I'm in such a rush. I'm gonna flush and giggle and say I'm such an airhead, he's gonna ask me where is my b0yfriend to take care of that for me and I'm gonna be like haha I don't have one 🥺. and then he's gonna drop to his knees and propose. I believe. if it doesn't happen to me, beware, it's coming for one of you.

that's one of the main things my mom enforced on me growing up. never give up a commitment. even when you hate it, when it hurts you, when the cons outweight the pros, you have to clench your fist around the blade that cuts you. I remember fighting with my mom many times, being forced to do things I didn't want. sports and beauty procedures and academic commitments I hated. and if you think my efforts were paid off in the eventuality, sports heightened my performance and social anxiety in childhood, I hate the pictures where I look like what my mom thought would make me beautiful, I failed my academic dreams and now I'm a burnout. I don't know why she ever wanted to teach me this. to keep something bad out of inertia, of the paralyzing fear of saying I can't do it anymore. I'm always staying a bit too late after the party is over, eating the food past it's due, pretending that if I get used to what's sour, everything will taste much sweeter after. even as an adult, I still fear I'm being weak and lazy by giving up what doesn’t feel right.

I feel like such a baby for ir but I feel so awkward/bad when I'm hanging out with friends, especially making new friends, and their friendship style is being mildly mean/rude/sarcastic as banter. the type that when you ask something, the other person's first reply is always a sarcastic one, and it's part of the dynamic jabbing at them back and then digging for the right answer. I know it works really well in some groups and it's generally funny but I can't understand this type of sarcasm on a deeper level and I always feel bad about it even when I know they're playing. my genuine vibes are scaring the hoes away :(

every time I start seeing pictures of people in this sub, I'm made aware that it's another sunday already, and I have wasted another week of my 20s away inside my room busying my mind and body with labor and insignificant experiences. by the day my control over my body and mind becomes a loose grasp, and all that grounds me to reality are pictures of beautiful mentally ill women living lives I am not.

I've been at least four times in situations of guys insisting I looked sad or like I've been crying even after saying I wasn't and haven't. it was clearly some sort of attempt to hit on me, but it's weird and uncomfortable everytime. anyone have seen something similar?

I think I was probably dissociating or something similar. it's a little creepy. glassy eyes. softly clapping and mouthing words like I know I'm supposed to be reacting to what's happening but can't. I look like I'm drugged out. I only seem to "come back" when it's time to blow the candles, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath as I think about my wish. sometimes it shocks me how much were my mental health issues ignored as a child.