u/peekabook

My mom died 4 years ago when my son was 9m old. It was unexpected from itp. It feels like she’s died yesterday, I have her last moments seared in my brain. I’m so angry - it’s not fair that she isn’t here. It’s not fair that other kids get a grandma and mine doesn’t. I’m jealous. I’m full of pain. I don’t know what I’m doing - I just need strangers to know my thoughts without judging me. She adored my son. She was an amazing grandma. We had a terrible relationship before my son. It went from abusive to controlling. I’m losing myself without her. I started smoking weed all day to not feel the pain. I stopped on Mother’s Day because I was going thru major depression. It feels like I can’t breathe.

It feels like she is on vacation and will come back. I don’t feel her anymore. People say she is watching so all she sees is me being a failure and drowning. I wasn’t the daughter she wanted me to be - I was wild and full of anger. She tried to beat discipline into me. I stare at my son (4 yrs old) and I wonder when she started hitting me. I can’t imagine doing that to my son. I wonder why I wasn’t enough. Why she couldn’t just see that I needed to be loved after being abandoned by my father. Why she couldn’t be the mother I needed? Why am I so angry? Why does it all have to be so complicated? Why can’t I just accept she is gone? What’s wrong with me?

I don’t care that she was able to save others with her organ donations. In fact I’m so fucked up I didn’t want to donate her organs. I wanted all of her. I don’t even dream of her anymore. I wonder if she abandoned me or if she realized that I’m a disappointment.

The only part I get right in my life is being a mom. I’m raising a sweet kind human that reminds me that kindness is always the right way even when I’m upset at someone. He even scolded me cause I yelled at a teen to slow down on our side street that was driving 50 mph. I wish he was able to meet his grandma. I just miss her. I want her here. I go to therapy and I’m a broken record - I just keep saying I want her here. I send her message on fb messenger. I know she doesn’t have fb messenger anymore but it’s compulsive. I need her to know I haven’t forgotten her. She is the best and worst parts of me - I’m a fighter and wild still - just like she was. I scream when I’m all alone in my house cause I feel the emptiness she left.

I’m not a danger to myself or others.

My mom died 4 years ago when my son was 9m old. It was unexpected from itp. It feels like she’s died yesterday, I have her last moments seared in my brain. I’m so angry - it’s not fair that she isn’t here. It’s not fair that other kids get a grandma and mine doesn’t. I’m jealous. I’m full of pain. I don’t know what I’m doing - I just need strangers to know my thoughts without judging me. She adored my son. She was an amazing grandma. We had a terrible relationship before my son. It went from abusive to controlling. I’m losing myself without her. I started smoking weed all day to not feel the pain. I stopped on Mother’s Day because I was going thru major depression. It feels like I can’t breathe.

It feels like she is on vacation and will come back. I don’t feel her anymore. People say she is watching so all she sees is me being a failure and drowning. I wasn’t the daughter she wanted me to be - I was wild and full of anger. She tried to beat discipline into me. I stare at my son (4 yrs old) and I wonder when she started hitting me. I can’t imagine doing that to my son. I wonder why I wasn’t enough. Why she couldn’t just see that I needed to be loved after being abandoned by my father. Why she couldn’t be the mother I needed? Why am I so angry? Why does it all have to be so complicated? Why can’t I just accept she is gone? What’s wrong with me?

I don’t care that she was able to save others with her organ donations. In fact I’m so fucked up I didn’t want to donate her organs. I wanted all of her. I don’t even dream of her anymore. I wonder if she abandoned me or if she realized that I’m a disappointment.

The only part I get right in my life is being a mom. I’m raising a sweet kind human that reminds me that kindness is always the right way even when I’m upset at someone. He even scolded me cause I yelled at a teen to slow down on our side street that was driving 50 mph. I wish he was able to meet his grandma. I just miss her. I want her here. She missed me changing jobs and buying my first house.
She missed his first words and how smart this little boy is.

I go to therapy and I’m a broken record - I just keep saying I want her here. I send her message on fb messenger. I know she doesn’t have fb messenger anymore but it’s compulsive. I need her to know I haven’t forgotten her. She is the best and worst parts of me - I’m a fighter and wild still - just like she was. I scream when I’m all alone in my house cause I feel the emptiness she left.

I’m not a danger to myself or others.

I’m going to Madison next weekend - I’d love to try any ethnic restaurants you recommend. Just no Mexican food please - we have only Mexican restaurants near us so I really want to try something different. Ty!