Did I live through emotional neglect as a child?
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this on.
I, female 23, am currently at a cross roads, if you will. Most recently, my husband and I had a difficult conversation with my parents. one of my parents had an (another) emotional breakdown after being asked a question by my husband on our behalf about her intentions. She has been wanting to switch jobs, to something that would pay less but give her more free time. She has repeatedly said its so that she can clean her house, and spend more time with my younger sister. But she recently started saying that it would also be to spend more time with me, to help me out if I need anything, but she never asked me if thats something I would want. I am chronically ill, and was bed ridden for a long time, not any more though! she was very helpful to us during this time. Anyways she broke down, got very upset and would not answer the question. We left and my parents and us had a sit down conversations to reconcile and set boundaries, that went ok but was very tense.
We are an immigrant family. I think that also adds context. I have always been told that there wasn't time for me to cry and if I was ever upset about something as a young child it would make her upset and I my emotions never mattered. I have many examples of her calling me stupid, and I didn't have very many friends, she would tell my dad while I was in the room that if she was my age she also wouldn't want to be my friend. As I got older it got worse and we argued all the time. Mostly stemming from me wanting more space and wanting to be treated like the adult I was, and I had been given adult-ish responsibilities from young. Like taking care of my baby sister, and helping them deal with their emotions. When I got married, she acted very jealous of my relationship and wanted to be included in wedding planning. So I let her plan the bridal shower, and she did everything I had always said I didn't want. Big space, lots of people. Not opening presents in front of people. Asking me to invite people who weren't invited to the wedding. She planned it with my MIL, who was clueless and my mom doesn't like her so they were not on the same page.
She has said many hurtful things to me and them gives a blanket apology, then brings it up next time you have a disagreement. I have also said hurtful things but apologized and never brought it back up. She is not someone who I feel I can say no to, because she overreacts in every aspect of her life. (I do believe there is an undiagnosed mental illness/disorder at play). My parents would argue and often, my mother would turn around and turn it on me. Even telling me that I stole my dads love from her. Which is mind boggling because my dad and I aren't affectionate nor do we even communicate often.
Watching her argue with my husband opened my eyes to see what she does in the moment and why I feel so gross every time. She tears down my character and personality until you're standing there stripped of everything, staring at your mother not knowing how you even got here. I don't want to cut them off, but I don't want a close relationship, but she yearns for one. Telling me often that she wishes I was the sweet, young, loving child again, because that child cared and loved her.
How do you become close to someone who if you weren't related, you would not have a relationship with?
I feel so lost sometimes, and so confused.
Was I emotionally neglected? Am I wrong? I am I wrong for not wanting a close relationship?