u/pinkcloudsummer68

I am alone and I am tired. I grew up with a narcissist mom and enabler dad. Who hated me for all of my neurodivergent traits and assigned negativity to me and my intentions when it just wasn’t there. So basically I have a I am bad and everyone hates me and I do everything wrong internal voice/wound. I met my ex husband who was also a narcissist and won him over by masking at first and I thought his treatment of me was normal because my parents also treated me that way. At 25 I broke free and ever since then I have always chose the wrong people. People that walk all over me. People that use me. People that have toxic traits. At 31 I said no more. I went to contact with my whole family. I went no contact with my friends. Who couldn’t ever show up for me but wanted me to show up for them. And some were just cruel and lacked empathy. I have been isolated for a year and a half now besides my kids I get half the week. I’m craving connection. Bad. But I always have. Someone that doesn’t read my intentions wrong. That shows up. Is empathetic. Caring. Loyal. Gives and not just takes. Is reliable. Trustworthy. And I have yet to meet anyone like that. At this point I’ve lost my social skills with people. Not that I ever really had any but now they are all gone. I’ve tried bumble bff. I’ve tried online dating. I’ve tried talking to women in public. And I just don’t know how to connect with people. It’s like I get arfid with people and my pattern recognition is strong and usually right. I would just love to meet someone where my pattern recognition isn’t screaming RUN at me. I’ve tried neurodivergent friendly spaces. I’ve tried neurotypical spaces. I feel like an alien. And in this society where everyone has turned into me me me, lack of empathy, and cruelty, it feels especially hard. Not to mention when I do find someone I vibe with initially my need for connection overrides my pattern recognition of RUN with red flags and I run about a week later. And it’s tough for me to recognize I need to set a boundary with someone in the moment until resentment builds. I know I have that to work on. I’m just staying alone. It’s safer. As I’ve got myself into dangerous situations before. I’m just tired. And crave to just have one person that gets me. and is safe for me. Let alone a partner. I don’t know where to find them. I know dating apps and online isn’t it. Is anyone else experiencing or has experienced this?

I grew up in a pretty far right evangelical household. Church on Sunday morning. Youth group Sunday night. Awanas. Summer church camp. Youth group trips. Bassycs on Wednesdays. Campus life. So I was pretty involved. I learned purity culture. Being gay is a sin. Basically condemn and hate others who are “sinning”. I also had a narcissist mom and grandma who shoved forgive forgive down my throat while they never took accountability, made me a villain and assigned malicious intentions to me that were not correct at all because they never even knew me. I have been harmed by my family of Christian’s, Christian leaders, people of the Church, and no matter how much I prayed to God for my mom to change and just love me and stop treating me so terrible and to change her heart, it never happened. I got into an abusive marriage. Met my ex husband at 17. I finally left at 25. Stopped going to Church at 28. Went no contact with my family at 30. I am now 33. And I have done a lot of research into Christianity. I believe it is truly harmful and I don’t know how any intellectual person can believe in it. Even still. I pray to Jesus and God when I’m scared. I want so badly to believe that he is real. But I just can’t. I am really struggling. I know Jesus was a real man. I don’t really think God is real. I believe religion was made by men for men to control everyone else especially women. I don’t trust the Bible at all. After many years I thought today ok. I’m going to listen to the sermon that was shared today at the church I used to go to. And you know what it was about today? Billionaires. Billionaires giving 2 billion dollars to this church this man was preaching about today. And that they got their name on the building and that our church needed to donate more money. And that there is nothing more important than donating money to your home church. So that just about did it for me. I feel so lost. I don’t really know why I’m sharing. I don’t have friends or family. So I thought I’d just share it here. I’m living in a Bible Belt county. I’m the odd one out for not believing. The rare left or atheists that I have met have shown more empathy, love, kindness, and a helping hand more than any far right trump loving evangelical Christian that I have encountered. They are full of hate and judgement. While stating they can do whatever they want as long as they ask for repentance but want to judge everyone else and control what they do and shame them. The hypocrisy is sick.

Hello all! I am very sensitive to noise. Clapping, slamming, lawn mowers, loud vehicles and bikes, loud talking, too much talking, all of the noises. It physically hurts. I’ve tried loops engage pro 2 and it didn’t cut the noise quite enough. Or really at all from what I could tell. I also can’t take the feeling of the memory foam tips or silicone tips in my ear canal. I can only tolerate Apple AirPods gen 2 in my ear. Or the Mack’s wax ear plugs but then that cuts too much of the noise and I can’t hear people and also makes my tinnitus worse. What are some options for me do you think? I’ve researched and researched and I don’t know what to do. I also don’t have a lot to spend. Any suggestions would help :) Thank you!