u/plantain-lover

I debated where to post this, but I settled on here as when I was doing (paid! lol) work... I had breaks, bathroom breaks, and I made damn good use of my commute. I wasn't desperate to be "alone" or in need to do "nothing" or "turn my brain off" the way I am now. When in a balanced marriage with my spouse home, I'd also get time to myself or a shared load--and I could spend any time alone either alone-alone or happily with them.

So whether you're a single mom, your partner is not partnering, or you have a great husband who travels a lot or is away in the military or whatever the case... if you're on here... and you have a toddler... how do you make use of those 0-3 hours where they're sleeping and you aren't?

I'm finding I desperately need some time to decompress and do kind of nothing. But I'm also in a place where I need to do some laptop-based work that's thought intensive (things hard to do with toddler and also that I don't like doing with him). And there are some career-related things it'd be really great to start spending 1-2 hours on everyday in preparation for this fall. I am also hoping that later on I can get work hours in when he's sleeping at night (in conjunction with preschool during the day to get more hours overall).

Instead, I find myself somehow both not really getting anything 'productive' done. If I do productive things after decompressing, I'm sleep deprived and that has its own negative effects. If I only do productive things, I mentally break down the next or next next day from the lack of that kind of a break. And if I'm being honest, it's really hard not to choose to stay up later because... well, I want more time! Sleep deprivation is also not good, though, for multiple reasons.

Things are also harder right now as my toddler's been off and not sleeping as much as he needs to be -- which make days harder due to being overtired, and also everything harder on me as I get less time than needed/expected.

I have started trying to implement some "quiet time" (he doesn't take a nap), which helps us both, though he'll stop independently playing the second I start to actually focus on anything on a laptop. And I eat well, get out into nature with him (for both of us lol), and am beginning to train again daily. I love love love our days together... I just need some seconds to breath. And those seconds turn into an hour and then, bam, due to him not sleeping enough, I am choosing between myself not sleeping enough or doing something productive.

Any advice? Do y'all have routines that work better for you? Have you given up on doing 'work' type stuff at night unless you aren't sleeping enough? Would love to hear others' perspectives on this!

Long story short, but long "potty trained" (with EC) developed potty resistance 90-100% of the time after a bad experience at daycare. He is no longer in daycare.

I prioritized bodily autonomy, never pushed him, and just let him have accidents. It's now been a month or a little more. He is now mostly recovered, but still having one accident a day... typically in the mornings.

I know he has to pee in the mornings. I have to pee in the mornings myself, and he follows me into the bathroom and gets upset I'm going to the bathroom / tries to force me out or to stop me from going. It doesn't seem to matter if I go right away, or try to give him a bigger connection play buffer. We always nurse when he wakes up, but nowadays he has a larger "itinerary" he seems to want before trying to pee (puzzles, letters, cars, ramps, etc etc). However, we can spend an hour or two playing, eating, etc -- and he still won't want to potty. I have tried forcing myself to wait to pee, but no matter if I force myself to wait or go right away, he has the same reaction. If I try asking whether he wants to go potty with me he responds... aggressively. Most of the time I do not ask. Sometimes he pees / has an accident (right next to his potty he's refusing to sit on) as he is angry I am peeing. Other times he has an accident while playing in the morning (and is upset about it).

No matter what, he has an accident every morning. This means daily or near daily laundry and obviously cleaning up like this isn't fun, especially when I know he's about to pee, and it's now been over a month. He's far too old and too long EC/potty trained to wear something to catch it.

The only way I've found around this mental block is to take a shower in the morning, where he'll naturally pee. But we can't always do this and frankly I prefer evening showers.

What I've been doing HAS been working... he's made close to a full recovery and has shown so much improvement. And what I've been doing is primarily giving bodily autonomy and respecting his wishes, while also focusing on all the other areas of toddler life (outside the scope of this post). But I think it might be another 2-4 weeks before we get the final morning pee worked through, and I'm getting frustrated/impatient and the laundry is an issue.

Anything I can do to speed this recovery process up in the mornings from an EC perspective? It is so frustrating to know he's going to have an accident, and also frustrating frankly to be trying to pee or poop in the morning myself amidst his breakdown and attempt to stop me.

Thank you, all. Current plan is to do morning showers earlier to avoid the accidents, but would love any other advice!

Single mom, toddler isn't currently sleeping more than I do 50%+ of the days, I have things on a screen I NEED, like survival levels of need, to get done. Some of those things also need to be done during business hours or at an otherwise 'reasonable' time.

I already know why this is happening and how to (kind of) change some of these things, but I also need a way to cope in the meantime as we heal and work through some things. Please don't try to argue that it's okay to use a screen in front of my toddler; I am against it and don't want a discussion on this. He is also well versed on all aspects of 'home' and 'practical' life and joins in on chores etc; we've also long learned how to happily integrate things like me doing ballet in our kitchen or lifting weights. Screens are different for various reasons. I would however like to strive to find a way to do things that keeps (my own) screen time easier and less damaging to him/us when it is necessary.

I thought a somewhat middle ground might be to incorporate a visual timer, like an hourglass, for a set number of minutes. This would allow him to visually note the sand falling down (amounts visible and/or colors used to help 'mark' this for him to eventually learn how much time I'd be essentially ignoring him). I could choose how many minutes to set (5,10,15,20,30,60?) and would commit to putting things away once it was done.

My question is this, for a toddler who's about to turn 3: how much time is reasonable? Is it better to do two 'sets' daily of 15 minutes, or just one of 30? Is it reasonable to expect a whole hour, or a whole 30 minutes?

He does sometimes do independent play. He's learned to be creative, and bored, and all the good things. He's great on his own. Me using a screen is sometimes an exception to this right now, though.

Some structure, limits, boundaries, and clear, visual communication would honestly help us both, as without this, both extremes are unhealthy and kind of bound to take over. I'm trying to do my best and trying to figure out what's going to go over the best for him. For me, a 25 or 45 minute Pomodoro type cycle would likely be best, twice a day at most, hours apart being okay. Advice on how many minutes to choose, timer-wise?

(Obvious) note that he'd be in my sight, I could respond to short things, and I'd be happy offering affection if he ever wanted that (not great for him to look at a screen, but it'd be a document or something 'not fun' or fast at least, so not the absolute worse). I just would not be available for reading, playing, etc and would be looking at a screen or a phone and focusing primarily on that during this time.

I've read Montessori and other books about the toddler years, speech development, etc. Mine is close to turning 3, and seems to have mastered so much already. He's got colors (by what feels like accident), 'counts' (not always with numbers properly yet, but pays attention to counting each item and pointing/labeling the word), has progressively longer sentences... he's shockingly to me competent with all aspects of daily life (cooking, baking, chores, dressing himself, etc) outside of some more advanced things (shoelace tying). He's begun to surprise me with saying some letters. We have a whole art shelf, and he's begun coloring within the lines, making small letters (not sure he knows what they are), etc etc. Everything we do is very sensory based / he's got plenty of that through baking with dough, cooking, cutting, pouring, and then allll the things we do out in nature with sand and dirt and leaves etc. We have social time with other kids at playgrounds and places to play every day, but do plan to join a preschool at least 1-3 days a week, primarily to find a stronger community, though I am trying harder to focus on finding him playdates now. He loves reading.

I've generally always followed his lead and found ways to work language development etc into whatever he was most into (currently vehicles). I've never tried 'pushing' anything onto him in any way. I am also MOST proud of him for how kind he is to others, how proud he gets of himself, his growing resilience during tasks, his beginnings of pauses before getting upset, his ability to use words to express emotions (well, he's still 2, not all the time yet), and a growing ability to regulate himself. I love that when he spills something, he cleans it up unprompted instead of melting down. He's potty trained. He plays well with others, shares in the "we don't take toys out of others' hands" sense I've taught, and though he's picky on who he likes, I've seen him play more interactively as well, though he'll parallel play or even try to invite others in regularly. Physically/athletically he has always been super advanced, which continues. We have puzzles and train tracks and beads and so on, but he needs the next level already. Etc.

Anyway. I am wondering: what do I focus on this next year, or months, of life? We've read through many Montessori preschool and preschool activity type books, and while we haven't yet done everything in them, I feel I need to make sure I stay on top of what to teach him next, toys to have, topics to focus on. I feel like language is easy enough for me to teach given what I've already learned, and the same goes for gaining even more proficiency with daily life type skills. an socialization/nature/sensory development, but I'm not sure for instance how to teach skills like math.

Googling gives me MANY results. Is there just one or two books, one or two sites, you can please recommend I start with given his background? Normally I am a bit more on top of things, and try reading a new book on this (parenting, teaching) every 1-3 months, but frankly I would really appreciate any recommendations right now! I definitely want to focus on developing number 'sense' (more, less, what counting actually means) rather than memorization, and while he's enjoying and focusing on something he loves, which I think Montessori emphasizes. I know how to tutor and have some experience teaching math to everyone from elementary through college, but preschool I'm not quite sure what type of toys and lessons I should be looking at besides the more basics of counting objects.

I do also plan to enroll him in a preschool in the fall, but it likely won't be Montessori, and the main thing I'm really hoping he'll get out of that is the one thing I haven't really been able to give him (consistent community and friends, and frankly these are also for me with the other parents--though it'd also be time spent outside in nature and play based, still deciding how many days for a couple hours daily).

We went through an emergency type situation where we had to use an emergency daycare provider we didn't know and hadn't met. This was hard enough on him as it was. One of these providers he seemed to like and stayed with for say 4-8 days? I brought his favorite potty that he is able to manage 100% on his own and normally he owns that process independently. He is now almost 3... at just 12-14 months, he started refusing the potty unless he could 'own' it (ie placing himself on it himself). Since 12-14 months or so, he has done so by himself, and I have 'encouraged' him when/if needed by going to the bathroom myself and announcing it (mirror neurons lol). I rarely, RARELY in the last 2 years have ever 'placed' him on the potty myself, only doing so during 2am overnight pees when he hasn't been awake enough to take himself but woke himself up to pee, or if he was super sick and looked at me / asked for help (ie diarrhea etc).

I'd told this provider that he liked to do it on his own. I was concerned his potty would be behind a gate he'd have to ask permission for / help to open, and shared I was worried he wouldn't be able to do it on his own and might not talk to a new person in that way. He's also almost 3, though, and most of the daycare shifts were 4 hours long--he regularly chooses to hold it 2-3 hours and I've seen him go 4 even just kind of for fun, so I wasn't super worried. Due to the nature of this (emergency, trauma), I hadn't "chosen" the provider and couldn't really supervise/review things with them, and some comments slipped me at the time.. until it was too late. She's been removing his pants/underwear (things he's capable of doing imo) and placing him on the potty herself.... what's worse, every 30-60 minutes or so, or multiple times anyway during that 4 hour shift. I did also witness them doing this once, and again after I repeated he and also I would prefer he be left to do so on his own.

Now it's been almost 2 weeks since he saw this provider. He is not only RABIDLY opposed if I even verbally suggest going potty, but I will watch him kind of dance around, complaining, trying to stop me from going potty, if I go to the bathroom in front of him and he has to go. He is still angry at me if I suggest (verbally) going potty in this situation, and the one time I started to pull his pants down he was, uh, violently ready to defend himself. He then of course has an accident and is SUPER upset. This isn't every single time he has to pee, but I'd say it's happening once or twice a day? Definitely once a day. It doesn't happen in public, but he has always needed help in public to get onto the potty (public potty attachment, no steps).

I feel like he's essentially processing trauma and sticking up for himself during those past moments with the provider, but with me instead of with the provider--he wasn't comfortable enough to say no or object or really speak at all yet. I can accept he's going to have accidents until he works through that and am willing to just clean up the messes (and maybe add some all cotton trainers or whatnot) if that's the cost of respect and healing, but it is frustrating of course to us BOTH as he gets upset when he has accidents.

Is there anything else I can do to help with his healing and potty resistance? Will this just pass if I keep showing him that he'll NOW be respected, no matter what, or is there something else I should be doing? I feel horrible about what happened in the past, and also now watching him work it out in a way that causes him distress, too.