u/polly_pickpocket

Dreams where I am contacted by entities always feel different. I am aware from the beginning that I am dreaming, and may even try to wake up, usually with little luck. I knew then that I was about to have a visitor. I prepared myself for Lilith, or Hermes, or maybe even Hera. I wandered around the scene. It was my home, but all distorted. I kept crying, "this is not home!". Then I went down a passageway and heard him singing. He was singing about how to best torture my abusive parents. I hid behind some bars- prison-like. He approached, marching. He was wearing a grey suit and had a dirty face and strange eyes. He grinned at me.

"Who are you?" I asked.

He immediately got huffy and seemed disappointed. He said, "Well, that's the end of that," And disappeared.

I realized in that moment that he was Lord Beelzebub. And it made sense, with all the insects that are always landing on me. Flies, moths, dragonflies, bees, etc. I also realized I had offended him and quickly ran to the kitchen. I figured that to call him back I would need to create an environment he might enjoy in my dreamspace. I opened the fridge and freezer, keeping it open for food to spoil. I spilled milk on the floor, hoping its eventual decay would call him back.

What do you guys think? Have I messed up too much to call him back? Was he testing me? I feel tested, not like our potential relationship is done for. However his singing of the song frightens me. My parents are toxic and abusive and I've had to live with them for most of my life, into adulthood, due to being schizophrenic and bipolar. I don't want to feed into this, well, "decaying" situation by deciding to antagonize them, which seemed to be what he was suggesting, although there is a big part of me that craves revenge.

I am an ADHD, schizoaffective 27f living with her parents. Because of my disorders, finding work is hard, and my most recent job fired me with no warning or reason after 8 months, but that's beside the point. After living on my own, I had to come back to my parents care after a psychotic break destabilized my life. This would be great and is really good that they are supportive of me in this way, however, they drive me crazy, and I don't mean this hyperbolically, either. When I was a child, my mom would get these angry episodes where she would lose touch with rationality and just scream and yell, throw things and make me clean up the pieces, destroy my things, and one time she even slapped me. It was not uncommon to hear my mom complaining to my dad about me, a child, being "manipulative". My dad didn't get angry as often, but when he did, he would yell obscenities at me, calling me a bitch, saying "fuck you", etc. I grew up believing I was manipulative, and due to my parents constantly telling me I remembered things incorrectly, not trusting my own memory when it came to situations where I felt I had experienced abuse. I know I have ADHD, but it really doesn't seem damning that I don't remember the exact hour that specific abusive instances occurred, which is one of my dad's favorite things to interrogate me on when I have brought up said specific abusive instances. Then I get accused by him of being an abusive child. Not to mention them witnessing the constant sexual harassment and objectification my grandfather subjected me to from the moment I was born, and never doing anything to keep me from being alone with him until I was old enough to say something, around 14.

Anyways, all this to say; I feel like it's not surprising I resent my parents and constantly am overwhelmed by their presence. I also love them and have a lot of good memories with them, too. But any time they do something even slightly annoying or inconsiderate I have to stop the rage from bubbling over. Weirdly though, during psychosis, I reverted back to a really childlike way of thinking about them during psychosis. When they visited me in the hospital, I would sit in their laps, cry on the phone to them about how much I missed them, cry to the nurses that I "want my mommy", and begged my mom to sing my childhood night-night song.

My parents took me in and seemed to appreciate this reversion back to our childhood dynamic. Now though, the fog of psychosis is clearing and I am remembering how deeply they have wounded me. Constantly, whenever I approach my mom about her self-centered, unthoughtful, passive aggressive behavior I hear "I'm sorry you feel that way". Recently I have started to get a new auditory hallucination of the duolingo sound after no auditory hallucinations for a year. The duolingo sound is specifically torturous because my mom always does duolingo loudly while I am trying to watch tv. I have nowhere better to go and no means to get anywhere new. How do I live with them, or are there any resources for people in my situation? And can anyone else relate?