u/potatoslime

A bit LOT of context of my life. I have almost never slept at night starting from 5th grade to my early highschool. Mostly slept at school and still cruising the top 10% from basic memorization and logical thinking. I spent most of my time bowsing the web, reading manga and watching anime, with drawing as a hobby on a side

From internet discourse and reading/watching various story, i and having early developed mature mind (or to be more precise an impressiomable youth with jaded nihilism view). Obv none of it was a lived in experience, just something i consumed,which i think is pretty common among recluse. So my "mature mind" ended up never even thinking of pursuing art as it is unstable/poor/overworked industry (or so the stories tell me). I went for a normal route because my preconception of normal (prob also my parent) is a cubic office work in front of a computer. So i go with the flow,goes to college to get an IT degree. The first semester was easy and fun learning logical thinking of programming because i was always confident in my logical thinking. I had friends, being a part of a circle.

But as i goes toward my degree,i began to notice my fatal flaw that makes me not compatible with my perception of "normal". My inability at teamwork and learning software tools that does not interest me(forced course like AI meaning lower college grade), constant battle against insomnia while being heavy sleeper at the same time. I'm in my 6th semester now,my parent did not know but i failed 2 class last semester and 1 class the semester before from lazyness toward the course and being absent too much. Before anyone say " you wont have insomnia from being tired of work" it doesn't work. I have an urbanite 2-2.5 hours bike ride(meaning snail pace),4 hours total at least. And i would still have days where i can't sleep because i want a time to enjoy myself. After all im used to 18 hours of nonstop manga and anime. If it weren't for my now deceased sister waking me up i would have failed more class.

This semester i was supposed to get an internship, but i spent 4 month doing nothing but making a basic catering website (hasn't even updated my CV to have link to my deployed web). It's from my fear of messing at work,lack of confident and lazyness. I knew i'm nearing my end of stalling with "i'm still looking". So i indulge in uncontrollable vice,and drawing is one of them. After years of not drawing i end up drawing 3 piece within a week like i'm in a trance. I feel fulfilled and motivated.

I feel like the me right now won't success in any normal field, so i might as well do what i enjoy and crash and burn if i fail (this is another thinking influenced by manga). But i'm afraid to commit. Afraid my motivation to choose art is my brain trying to run away from college, just like how i ran away from art in my youth from lack of confident in skill and fear of monetary security. I feel my parent will be furious (they are both really kind) as we are a small lower middle class family and they never had a degree. I truly don't know what i should do.

Some extra : there's a character in a manga about a mangaka doing a doctorate as a back up while also pursuing manga one of the reason i choose "normal" and habing drawing just as a hobby. Though i dont thinm i can juggle both. Also there's a circulating phrase " never make what you love your job",another reason why i choose to abandon art career in my youth.