u/precious-nectarina

Hi everyone, I went full NC with my ex BPSO (+borderline tendencies) a month ago after his family requested that I do so (lots of other detail I'm not including, but we'd been broken up for several weeks at that time and he was beginning to spiral out of control into a very intense episode).

I've been feeling okay for the last few weeks, but am really struggling today. Our relationship became really unhealthy by the end, but I still miss him terribly, and it feels like a piece of me is missing. I'm worried he is interpreting my silence as lack of care/love. All I want is to reach out to him and spend an hour with him. I know that I shouldn't because of his family's request. I feel like the breakup was the wrong choice. I just feel so lost and sad and need some encouragement, thanks in advance.

For those who have chosen to leave and cut off contact with BP loved ones, are you glad that you did? Did you regret your choice at first? How did you move through the guilt and grief of leaving/cutting them off?

I (31F) broke up with my ex (30M BP1) 2 months ago due to medication noncompliance / substance abuse / emotional and verbal abuse / multiple psychotic episodes resulting in intense paranoia and cruelty. We were together for almost a year. I truly thought he was the one when I met him. I have never felt so connected to anyone and in some ways truly think he is the love of my life. But things got very bad halfway through our relationship, all I think due to his illness, and I ultimately started to feel like I was living in an emotional (and sometimes physical) prison. There’s a lot more I could say, but that’s the tldr.

I am carrying so much guilt and shame for a) leaving him and b) for anything I did to contribute to his downward spiral. He said to me many times during his episodes that I had made his life stressful by coming into it, etc. (but would tell me in the same breath that he wanted to marry me). I wanted it to work so badly that I would turn a blind eye to the hurtful insults and put all of my focus on the “I need and want you” conversations, but it’s hard not to feel like I made his life worse. On top of that, following the breakup, he was arrested, and is now involuntarily committed. As of last week, we are no contact. His family has confirmed that they believe that he should not be in touch with me, nor I him, due to how difficult the breakup has been for him and his current circumstances.

I do understand that being together was not healthy for either of us at this point in time, but I have never experienced sadness or self hatred like this. I grew so attached to him and I do love him very much. I am afraid that I made a huge mistake and should have tried to push through. I feel like I gave up so many good things in leaving because I became too afraid of the bad things - and both the good and bad things were very real.

Has anyone else been here, and does it get easier with time? Did you regret your choice to leave, and did that feeling ease? I feel just as tortured now as I did in the relationship, and now, I’m without my favorite person.

Long post - I'm sorry in advance. For those who left/ended their relationships with bipolar partners, did you struggle with guilt following the breakup? How did you process it and ultimately move on?

I am really struggling. A bit of detail on my situation - I (31F) ended things with my ex (30M, bipolar I) at the start of the summer due to several factors, all of which I think tie back to his diagnosis - alcohol/drug abuse, systematic emotional and verbal abuse of me, paranoia, accusations, possessiveness, 2 psychotic episodes. Before, during, and following the breakup, he has done and said several really concerning and harmful things to me and many others in his circle, was arrested for Class B possession, has self-harmed, and has now been involuntarily committed. I think he's going to lose his job. Basically, has spiraled completely out of control.

We were together for about a year. The person I broke up with was not the person I met and formed a relationship with last year. It was wonderful at first. He was everything I dreamed. I thought I'd found my person. But things started to get really challenging halfway through our relationship. He stopped sleeping and started using drugs and alcohol heavily. We were fighting almost daily, and eventually he had a psychotic episode and went to rehab. I knew deep down that what was going on wasn't healthy, but I really, really love him, and I wanted to be with him/stick by him to see his wonderful qualities reemerge and to help him through the difficulties that he was having. I was hopeful that rehab would get everything back on the right path, but it didn't. The same exact fact pattern almost immediately repeated itself, and now he is going to another rehab facility once he is out of the hospital.

We're no-contact now, but he has told me many times that he feels I am responsible for the demise of our relationship/for his breakdown/his involuntary commitment, citing various mistakes I made during our relationship that "drove him to this," with especially heavy focus on something that happened shortly after we met: when we first started seeing each other, I dishonestly told him that I wasn't really dating around or seeing/talking to other people. He through my phone on our ~3rd date and saw that I was. I fully recognize that I should not have lied and feel so much regret, guilt, and shame about this. I just truly had no idea where things were going to go with him, and I didn't want to needlessly hurt his feelings. I never would have started multiple serious relationships at one time - I was just trying to find someone, and know from experience and so many friends' experiences that because dating apps are such a numbers game, it isn't uncommon to be talking to multiple people at a time before something really clicks/lands with one person. Again, I know this was wrong, and I will NEVER be dishonest about something like this again, but once we decided to pursue a relationship (which we decided to do not long after this incident), I was never ever unfaithful to him. Just want to give context - I know none of that excuses my lie.

I'm having a lot of trouble separating out this mistake from where he is now. I also struggle with anxiety and stress management and was working a very demanding job when we met. He has said many times that my anxious energy contributed to his breaking point. I just have this feeling that if I hadn't made that misstep and broken his trust so early on, and if I'd been able to manage my stress better, we would still be together and none of these terrible things would have happened. On top of all of this, despite all of the months of his mistreatment, I feel incredibly guilty for abandoning him during what is clearly the worst time of his life. I know logically that I didn't cause his actions per se, and that he is responsible for them, but think I/our parts of our relationship triggered his episodes and subsequent unraveling. I feel an indescribable sense of guilt and shame for any ways our relationship may have contributed to this AND for leaving him.

I broke up with him to try to free myself of the emotional prison that our relationship had become, but I still feel trapped in one. Some days I wake up fully regretting my decision, wishing I'd stuck with him and been there for him while he deals with the very ugly underbelly of this illness that drowns out the fundamentally wonderful person he can be. Other days I feel that I did the right thing because so many factors suggest that it would not be possible for us to build a healthy, stable dynamic in which we could raise a family, which is something we both want. Then I go back to missing him all over again and feeling like I ruined his life, especially because of how far down he has spiraled.

How can I start thinking about all of this in a more healthy/productive way? The guilt I feel is eating me alive.

I came across this term while doing some reading about relationships involving partners with BPD and narcissistic traits, but it describes the start of my relationship with my ex bf (BP1) to a T. Wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences with their BDSOs.

I'm having a lot of trouble moving past the relationship and maintaining the belief that I did the right thing in leaving, because despite all of his abuse, the start was just soo indescribably good - that version of him was everything I ever wanted. I can't stop going back to the version and wanting it even now.

I (31F) broke up with my BPBF (30M) a month ago. I was hopeful it would be a temporary break that would allow him to stabilize and pursue treatment after some truly abusive episodes, but it’s been a living nightmare. We have stayed in touch - frankly, it was too hard not to given that he was living in my apartment, his continued outreach, and my heartbreak - and sometimes it’s been good and reasonable conversation, but other times it’s just been pure bipolar rage directed nonstop at me. He has threatened to hurt / kill himself multiple times because of the abandonment he feels and I called 911 yesterday after another threat. They did a wellness check and I texted his family to let them know and that he needs serious help (which I’ve done a few times without much response or acknowledgment.)

His family told me via text that “for everyone’s sake,” they need to cut ties with me, I need to stop communicating with him and them immediately and they “wish me the best.” Now that he’s moved out of my apartment, I know no-contact is the best route, and it’s helpful to have such a firm boundary set by his family (although I found their communication to be quite cold and hurtful given that I’ve been emotionally and financially supporting my ex through these kinds of crises for several months, before and after the breakup). I’m somewhat relieved to be forced out of the chaos, but I’m heartbroken about all the time and energy and hope I’ve lost, the future I wanted, and the emptiness I feel in my life.

Does it get better?