u/princess-of-hearts8

I saw an old post about this topic and would love other people’s thoughts and opinions about it.

After years of research and experimentation I have found that the relationship style that works for me is ethical monogamy.

To me, ethical monogamy goes beyond just not cheating and clearly communicating relationship goals. For me, it means that I delight in my partner having joyful experiences outside of our relationship as well. I want my partner to have fun with friends, to excel at work, and to take time for themself to recharge and make decisions that are authentic to themself as an individual.

This has been startling to a lot of my monogamous partners. Many have been afraid to take time for themselves or go have fun experiences that do not directly include me. But to me it was always them in their individuality that I wanted in my life.

I thought polyamory would uplift this for me, but I found that it did the opposite. I could no longer delight in my partner’s social life when I felt compared to another partner. Our time apart became threatening. Mostly though I couldn’t connect with the idea of de centering my partner’s negative emotions from my life. I am a very romantic person. I felt immense shame every time I talked to someone new and made my partner sad or jealous (always immediately ending the new connection). I’ve found I don’t want to change that about myself. I want to be a source of safety more than I want new connections. I guess I’m looking for a big found family of friends and I want the same for my partner. Them in their wholeness. For monogamy to be a chosen partnership not a control based partnership.

I saw an old post about this topic and would love other people’s thoughts and opinions about it.

After years of research and experimentation I have found that the relationship style that works for me is ethical monogamy.

To me, ethical monogamy goes beyond just not cheating and clearly communicating relationship goals. For me, it means that I delight in my partner having joyful experiences outside of our relationship as well. I want my partner to have fun with friends, to excel at work, and to take time for themself to recharge and make decisions that are authentic to themself as an individual.

This has been startling to a lot of my monogamous partners. Many have been afraid to take time for themselves or go have fun experiences that do not directly include me. But to me it was always them in their individuality that I wanted in my life.

I thought polyamory would uplift this for me, but I found that it did the opposite. I could no longer delight in my partner’s social life when I felt compared to another partner. Our time apart became threatening. Mostly though I couldn’t connect with the idea of de centering my partner’s negative emotions from my life. I am a very romantic person. I felt immense shame every time I talked to someone new and made my partner sad or jealous (always immediately ending the new connection). I’ve found I don’t want to change that about myself. I want to be a source of safety more than I want new connections. I guess I’m looking for a big found family of friends and I want the same for my partner. Them in their wholeness. For monogamy to be a chosen partnership not a control based partnership.

I saw an old post about this topic and would love other people’s thoughts and opinions about it.

After years of research and experimentation I have found that the relationship style that works for me is ethical monogamy.

To me, ethical monogamy goes beyond just not cheating and clearly communicating relationship goals. For me, it means that I delight in my partner having joyful experiences outside of our relationship as well. I want my partner to have fun with friends, to excel at work, and to take time for themself to recharge and make decisions that are authentic to themself as an individual.

This has been startling to a lot of my monogamous partners. Many have been afraid to take time for themselves or go have fun experiences that do not directly include me. But to me it was always them in their individuality that I wanted in my life.

I thought polyamory would uplift this for me, but I found that it did the opposite. I could no longer delight in my partner’s social life when I felt compared to another partner. Our time apart became threatening. Mostly though I couldn’t connect with the idea of de centering my partner’s negative emotions from my life. I am a very romantic person. I felt immense shame every time I talked to someone new and made my partner sad or jealous (always immediately ending the new connection). I’ve found I don’t want to change that about myself. I want to be a source of safety more than I want new connections. I guess I’m looking for a big found family of friends and I want the same for my partner. Them in their wholeness. For monogamy to be a chosen partnership not a control based partnership.

When you kidnapped me and said I had to be poly with you and your ex, my silence was not consent, it felt like this or my life.

When you said you took comfort in my tears and my pain you erased my voice.

When you told me if I slept with anyone else so would you and you would not be careful, I heard that you would punish me with an sti. I was breastfeeding.

When you constantly accused me of cheating you isolated me to the point where I had no friends and no longer went anywhere but your apartment

When you said I deserve to be cheated on because I cry when it happens you erased my emotions

Pretending to be poly never erased the harm

When you told me I would never be enough for you after the birth of our baby I lost hope

When you systematically convinced all your affair partners to bully me I lost all faith in other women and humanity as a whole

I will never negotiate my human right to consent again.

Polyamory is a lifestyle choice not a free pass for coercive control. Whoever else is hurting out there. You’re loved.