u/princess__d0ll

My life is alot better now.so much better than my childhood- or lack thereof - but at times I find myself reacting in ways to minimal things that are similar to how I was in my abusive and neglectful childhood.

i want to break the cycle and be the best person I can be for my partner.be healed.i know in general I'm an emotional person anyway and I wouldn't change that.but my insecurities and regulating of emotions and fear/anxietys cause me to catastrophise about alot of things

.i grew up having to be hyper aware of my abusers emotions to spot when things would go bad and I don't want to constantly analyze things.i want to heal and be stable and secure for myself and my partner.i don't want to be one of those sayings "hurt people hurt people" I want to grow out of this way of survival I lived in the past because I don't need it anymore.i know I'm safe and loved and supported. but my heart is beating a mile per minute when my head is telling me things that arent true or never happened or will never happen its exhausting for me to live with and i dont want that for my partner aswell .i need and want to stop this.i want to heal to be the person my partner and the ones I love deserve.to feel better and like my head isn't split in two

I have always wanted and dreamed of a little room.me and dadda used to talk about it all the time a place where I can heal and feel safe and calm.to regulate and wash away any big thinkies I may get. I'm getting a big pop out princess tent where I can set it up in the living room to play in and sleep in at nights.we can't do an actual room as it has to be something we can store away when people come round but I'm so excited at the thought of having a little area where dadda can tuck me in and read me bedtime stories and I feel so so small.and then I'll feel extra smol on nights where daddy wants me to sleep in his big bed.

I've been a light sleeper as of late so it will do both of our sleep patterns a world of good and I also am starting to overheat as it gets into summer. I also want dadda to feel he has his own space aswell. Because he gives me so much space to be little and I want him to have his own space where he can feel safe and relax and be big grown up. I'm so so excited and it hasn't even happened yet

Opening up more and more to him and him me is truly beautiful just seeing how intensely we feel about this dream life we want.how feminine and submissive and soft and devoted it makes me feel knowing we want and need the same things.ive been feeling more and more confident in myself, who i am, my appearance and feminity ( I've struggled alot in the past thinking I was never pretty enough to be perceived as feminine) but with his guidance and support he's really helped me flourish and grow into the person I always dreamed to be more and more.

It's so touching and heartwarming knowing we feel the same that we have the same needs (even though i knew already, it's just the act of being much more vocal about it feels so intimate being so vulnerable with him.).its made me feel so open and submissive and quite honestly has made me feel like a cavewomen going " mm my man my man" ahah don't know if anyone gets the same but man awwooga

I know this is a silly little post and if it isn't allowed I'll remove it I just am so proud of what we've built together and what we're building towards in the future

I disowned my family.my parents for alot of reasons

It genuinely feels like my brain is in physical pain at times by how much mentally I hurt.like my brain is being squished by a closed fist.

I just feel like I'm endlessly grieving something I've never had and something I'll never have.and it's so painful it feels suffocating. For example

When I was younger I used to dream about a dream wedding.i used to dream about dressing like arwen from lord of the rings with her pretty tiara headpiece thing because my father loved lord of the rings and maybe he'd pay attention to me more if it reminded him of something he loved.i used to dream of him walking me down the isle and crying and saying I'll always be his little girl.to dance with him and feel that love and support from him.

To go dress shopping with my mother and see her cry looking at me saying something like "wow you're so beautiful" and cry and be all sentimental together.to gush about a partner to her and her give me motherly wisdom and curl up next to her while she shows me pictures of me when I was little and say stuff like she's so proud of me etc

That the fantasy of having a dream wedding would somehow force them to love me and show up for me for just one day.thay they'd have to be there.but in reality they wouldn't.i used to try to think of events and ways I could manufacture love

When I think about how messed up this made me it makes me so sad because I think about how if I was a mother.if I had a child.the idea of me even acting a tiny bit like any of them makes me horrified. And how could I look my child in the eyes everyday and do the things they did.to shatter my child's heart into peices day after day and act as if it was their fault.that maybe if they were better maybe I'd love them more.it disgusts me to the point that the fact that I share DNA with them disgusts me.that I'm scared maybe somehow my brain is like theirs