u/probablylost1106

One too many splits and my husband is on his way out the door. We've been together over 10 years and have a 4-year-old. My BPD splits are absolutely reactive to something upsetting me, but holy shit the things that come out of my mouth I am so horrified by. I don't know how to stop while I'm in the middle of it and just end up so so depressed, suicidal and ashamed afterwards. I don't know how to make it better. I sleep on the couch now. We barely speak. We alternate who cooks dinner, and eat as a family for our son... but we take him out to do things separately now. I know it will be over soon and I'm just so upset with myself that I can't keep my family together when it's all I've ever dreamed of. I've tried apologising, but I wouldn't believe me either. I don't even believe myself. I understand why I'm unlovable but love is the only thing I want in this world...

Editing to add I've been in therapy for years and on meds of varying sorts since my teens. I was diagnosed officially about 6 months ago, and diagnosed with CPTSD, Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety before that.

I was diagnosed with BPD officially 6 months ago but suspected I suffered from it for years. Since my diagnosis my husband has been blaming every little thing on my BPD and I'm not even allowed to be a little annoyed without him saying I'm splitting. I am so ashamed and wish I never knew. He tells everyone and no one looks at me the same after. Like I'm inherently evil and manipulative or something. I wish I could just disappear I can't take the guilt and shame anymore.

Has anyone else spent so many years bottling up their feelings and emotions that they don't even know who they are anymore?

I feel like I have spent so much of my life just managing/ minimizing my feelings and avoiding splits. I isolate myself to avoid being seen and am left with no friends because of it. My family lives across the country, and we don't speak often.

I feel completely alone in the world and don't even feel like I have anything to offer to anyone anymore. I am married and have a young son, but I don't even feel like my husband knows the real me because I am constantly masking. When the mask slips, it ends in me being told I am nothing but my mental illness and personality disorder... reminding me why I hide in the first place.

I don't have time for any of my hobbies anymore, and that pulls me further away from who I believed myself to be. All I do is take care of other people, avoid letting my feelings be seen, and avoid telling anyone about myself or my disorders.

I am left with nothing. No friends, no family, no support network, no identity. \

What is the point in living when you're not even allowed to be yourself.

I feel completely defeated. I have recently (6 months ago) been diagnosed with BPD, which took an exceptionally long time after I realized I likely have it. I was originally diagnosed with CPTSD, anxiety, and Major Depressive Disorder. Most of these were diagnosed at about 16 years old. I am married, have a 4-year-old son now, and in my 30s. I have been struggling in my marriage for what feels like years. Shortly after my son was born, my husband stopped working due to a workplace injury that he didn't recover from. Because he didn't file an injury report while he was still working, WCB would not cover him. I was on maternity leave and had to go back to work asap to financially support our family. It has now been 4 years of him not working full-time. He will periodically work, about 3 months total out of the year, which definitely helps, but those other 9 months are brutal.

My struggle right now is that I am in my second year of a strenuous school program, working in veterinary medicine, which is emotionally and physically taxing, and being a mother in between it all. I have about zero time to myself that isn't spent doing one of these things. I have been trying to find a cocktail of medications that work for me, but I honestly believe most of my struggle to be situational right now. I don't have time to focus on my mental health, I don't have friends or family to help out with my son or even just to talk to about what is going on. My family lives on the other side of the country, and although I miss them, we rarely talk. My husband's family lives a 2-hour ferry ride away, so support is nonexistent at best.

Right now, things are so bad in our relationship that I feel like I would be better off by myself. He blames absolutely everything on my BPD since my diagnosis and treats me like a walking mental disorder. He dismisses all of my concerns about the lack of help I receive with caring for our son (I take him to and from daycare, make every lunch, take him to every extracurricular, plan every play date, every party etc) I have had to take on his responsibilities at home because, since his injury, he either can't do them or chooses not to do them. It is so hard not to resent him, although I understand that his injury can cause pain; it is SO HARD to watch him lie in bed all day while I am struggling to keep my head above water. He gets all the alone time he desires, and he has baths (to loosen his muscles) whenever he feels like it. He doesn't have to ask to do anything he wants, while I have to go out of my way and plan the smallest amount of time for myself by making sure everything else is taken care of in advance, if I even get the time. He says by bringing up my concerns, I am "attacking his character". I can't complain about anything without being told "I'm splitting on him," which usually makes me so resentful and feel so alone that I end up actually splitting afterwards. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation and not even seen as a real person anymore. I'm a caregiver and nothing else. I have become unwilling to have intimate time with him because it feels like one more thing I have to do for him, or he becomes upset, sulky, and rude. It feels coercive and unfair. He talks about my struggles with anyone who will listen and makes me feel inherently unlovable and like everyone feels this way about me.

I don't even really know why I'm posting this other than just to get it off my chest. I feel like life isn't even worth living anymore, and I'm just here for my son. I would never abandon him, but I dream about not suffering anymore, and sometimes death feels like the only way out. I want to be able to enjoy my life again. I dream of a day where I wake up and don't dread every interaction with him and actually look forward to something again...

Maybe I am everything he says I am...