One of the many small annoyances that comes with age that few people talk about - the sprouting of unsightly hair from one’s ears
It’s to the point where I have to trim it back at least once a week and it’s difficult to get it all.
Is there a better way? Electrolysis? Laser hair removal? Is that even a thing on ears?
Four years ago I bought a nice house with my partner. To me this feels like an immense privilege, since it was something that seemed completely out of reach not so long ago, until I was fortunate enough to start a successful business.
My partner works part time and makes a lot less money than me, so I've funded the vast majority of the house deposit, mortgage repayments, and subsequent renovations.
Since we moved in she's had her heart set on doing a modern kitchen/dining room extension. I appreciate why and agree it'd be a good thing to do with the house, because whilst it has a large-ish kitchen it's cut off from the dining room and the long thin shape isn't ergonomic for modern living. But since she doesn't have much money it would be down to me to finance it.
The kind of work we're talking about would cost about £100K. We still have a mortgage of £275K.
I have enough to do it, but having been doing some long term financial planning lately I'm become increasingly of the opinion that I don't want to. I don't have a huge pension saved and with the future of my business increasingly uncertain in a world being turned upside-down by AI, I would like to use my current funds to substantially pay down the mortgage, increase my pension, and have enough of a buffer left over to continue to live well in the coming years.
Without these expensive renovations, my/our financial future is pretty secure, which in this day and age is a really privileged position to be in, and I'm deeply grateful. But I simply do not believe that dropping all this money into an extension is a good idea. It'll never be recoupable were the house to sell. It would also involve months of disruption and stress, and I work from home.
My partner however is absolutely fixated on this happening. Whenever I start expressing doubts she starts to get upset and really labours the point that "we" should be spending on enjoying our home. I get why she wants it: she's really into her food and does more of the cooking than me (by choice - Im perfectly happy to do it, but she enjoys cooking and is particular about what she eats).
I just know that she's going to be really upset and disappointed if I tell her it's not happening. How can I talk to her about this? Just drop the bomb and state I'm not prepared to do it?
TL;DR My partner has set her heart dead set on me paying for expensive home improvements that I simply don't want to risk. How do I break it to her that I'm not comfortable with doing it?
We're currently in the middle of a heatwave here in the UK. Last night I woke up feeling hot and thirsty, so I went downstairs to get a drink. The water cooler was empty so I filled it and got myself a can of fizzy water out the fridge - the stuff with a fruity flavour but no sugar.
When I went back upstairs my partner had woken up and was on the landing. When she saw me with the can she asked "why have you opened one of those?" in that critical tone which says "you shouldn't be doing that". I made some short remark like "I wanted something refreshing". She proceeded to lecture me about how it wasn't good to drink fizzy things late at night, that it wouldn't help me get back to sleep because it was "stimulating", that those things are expensive (it was literally the first one I'd had), bad for my teeth, etc. etc.
*edit* I should add here that she *does* know what the product is: essentially carbonated water with no sugar, no caffeine, just flavoured. So it seemed a total non-issue to me.
Anyway I told her that I can make my own choices as an adult, and that having small choices criticised in this way stresses me out because it makes me feel micromanaged and infantilised.
Rather than take anything I said onboard or think about how her actions impact me, she took issue with me using the word "criticised" - saying she was just "pointing things out", and that making her out to be "criticising" was unfair and made her out to be a mean person.
What really annoys me is that this sort of thing happens on a frequent basis. I rarely criticise or object to things she does (and believe me there are many small things she does around the house I could take issue with if I chose), but if she does perceive something I say as critical of her then she often takes it extremely poorly. Sometimes it'll even trigger a row.
Was I out of order to object to her criticism of me? Was she really being helpful or just controlling?
TL;DR my partner criticised me for opening a can of fizzy water in the middle of the night. AIO to be annoyed by this?
I've been with my partner for more than 15 years. When we're at our best, things are great. But unfortunately the entire relationship has been marred by my partner's angry episodes.
It's not like this all the time. But every few months on average something will happen where either she'll have a full-blown meltdown about something, or we'll end up having an awful row.
Often the trigger is something real: a stressful life event or a mistake somebody has made. Sometimes it's just a simple miscommunication, not helped by the fact that she often uses ambiguous language or says things other than what she means. "Not being listened to" is a particular trigger for her, and she often jumps to that conclusion even when it was in part because she didn't communicate something clearly.
But when these things catch her at the wrong time, the result will be an outpouring. If it's a life event then it's catastrophising. But if it's something I've done (perceived or real) then I receive an angry scolding or a lengthy and forceful lecture.
Now I'm not claiming to be Mr Perfect. I'm human and sometimes I make mistakes or forget things. But I always own them, swiftly apologise, and try to make amends. And I don't get angry at her or throw my weight around in the relationship like she does.
Unfortunately however I find her anger to be quite triggering and it's easy for me to slip into defensive mode, especially if I feel I'm being accused of something I haven't done (which often happens because simple miscommunications are often interpreted as me ignoring her wishes). Disputing makes her even more angry and can very quickly cause the situation to escalate out of control. I've got better at walking away and calling time out, but even that often only defers the argument until later.
I know that all couples argue. But I feel that in these moments her emotions run completely out of control, and the way she treats people (especially me but also her son when he lived at home) is absolutely not proportionate or OK.
The biggest problem however is that she believes this behaviour is completely justified. In her mind there's no difference between the thing that triggered her, the emotions she felt, and the resultant behaviour. It's always "you said X, X upset me, therefore my anger was justified and the fault was yours". The most contrition she ever shows is a perfunctory "sorry for shouting", but there's never a recognition of the wider pattern, or consideration that the upset and anger were completely disproportionate to the event that triggered them.
Attempts to talk about it afterwards risk more escalation. Eventually the storm just sort of blows over, she'll act all nice for a while, and act like nothing happened. Until the next time.
I've gently tried to broach the idea of therapy many times, but she doesn't believe she has any sort of problem and therefore doesn't see the point. Worse, no matter how much I stress that this isn't the case, she sees any suggestion of therapy as me trying to "blame' her for things she doesn't feel she was responsible for.
I'm really at my wit's end. I can see she is suffering and don't want this for her, but this repeated pattern has really taken a big toll on me emotionally and I'm pretty checked out of the relationship now. I've pretty much decided that if I can't get her to take accountability for herself then I can't put up with this forever.
Before I call time however, and while things are calm, I want to have one last "make or break" shot at getting through to her. How could I go about this?
TL;DR My partner is emotionally unstable and her angry outbursts are damaging our relationship. She thinks her behaviour is justified, doesn't believe she has a problem and rejects all suggestions of therapy. How can I try to get through to her before I call time on the relationship?