r/AskMenOver40

TL;DR:

20M, stuck in years of severe anxiety and avoidance. Never really launched into life (no job, license, dropped out of college, multiple gap years). I understand my issues on some level and have improved a bit, but I still can’t consistently act or change my situation. I feel like I’m falling further behind in life while being mentally aware of what I should do, and I don’t know how to break out of this cycle or accept that life involves constant discomfort and suffering.

(20M) I feel very stuck. I have felt very stuck for years, and I just cannot understand why I'm like this and why I can't just "do it."

I've been watching Dr. K since 2020. I've meditated on and off since then, and recently I've started doing it more consistently.

I almost failed high school. I was depressed and anxious the whole time and have VERY VERY strong avoidant tendencies. Horrible social anxiety to the point where I can't even take a walk in my own neighborhood sometimes, and when someone knocks on the front door, I feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack.

I've never had a job. Never got my driver's license. I feel alone a lot. My room's a mess all the time.

I went to college and failed, then took a gap year, and now I'm on gap year number 2 trying to get into university. I actually have a chance to, but I just can't get myself to work and get it done, so I might be going onto gap year number 3. At that point it'll have been 4 years since high school, and my friends will have all graduated and gotten jobs.

I just don't know what's left for me, man.

I started cleaning my room last week, and I'm happy about it, but nothing ever seems to change with me. I'm more self-aware and compassionate with myself these days, which has helped, and I've made A LOT of progress with my social anxiety considering where I used to be. But I'm really just the same motherfucker I was in high school.

I remember always struggling in school. Teachers were always calling my mom about something growing up. Then in 8th grade I got a really shit grade, and my heart sank. From then on, for the rest of the year, I was the TOP student. 90s, 100s on some tests even. I conquered some of my social anxiety too.

Then COVID hit.

Still, when 9th grade started, I guess I still had some momentum going. I did well, got my 80s and a few 90s. It was great. I also made some friends.

Then from there it's been genuine downhill, and it seems like I'm still going downhill. And that was what... 6-ish years ago? Going on 7?

I don't get what happened to me, and I don't get why I'm still like this.

I almost feel like I just don't give a shit about anything. Like genuinely, I just don't care, because that's what my actions show, that I really don't care, and that me doing this whole "woe is me, I'm a piece of shit" thing is just an act to escape responsibility.

But then again, me understanding that on some level doesn't change anything. I'm still me.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore, man.

I'm letting myself down. I'm letting my family down. I don't know if there's hope for me.

And even that, I understand, is fucking stupid because I'm not the arbiter of truth. Who am I to say what's possible and what's not? I understand that.

But like... c'mon, man.

It seems like every step I take is just another stumble into another failure.

I don't know why I went on a tangent. You don't have to read all that if you don't want to.

This seems to be the crux of the issue.

I don't want to feel discomfort and pain and suffering. I don't want to wake up feeling like shit because I got bad sleep and still have to fight.

I don't want to feel that.

And I don't want to accept that that's what life is.

Currently tired almost all the time--even with a "good" night's sleep (which is rare these days). Significantly weaker than I was in my twenties. Currently using excessive caffeine (~400mg some days) and kratom to get everything done that I need to daily and not just be tired and miserable as shit. I have stress/anxiety related insomnia too, and honestly think I need Xanax nightly (currently on ambien, which works to some extent).

Thoughts?

One of the many small annoyances that comes with age that few people talk about - the sprouting of unsightly hair from one’s ears

It’s to the point where I have to trim it back at least once a week and it’s difficult to get it all.

Is there a better way? Electrolysis? Laser hair removal? Is that even a thing on ears?

I don’t know what is happening, it seems nothing matters anymore.

You work hard and get up to the next level on the career ladder, and then what?

Friends are not friends anymore. There are many things you don’t agree with them on, and conversations might easily heat up.

Almost every day there is a pain somewhere in some of the parts of your body.

It is very hard to please people around you and why bother about it at all?

How do you feel MenOver40?

Is there anything left exciting?

I'm personally at that age and in the cross roads to this decision and would welcome some different perspectives.

I started Testosterone for menopause as my libido slid of the face of the earth and now my lady bits are a lot bigger.. it had disappeared completely before , I’m just feeling so embarrassed about it , shrinking back is a maybe if I’m lucky , I stopped the t once it clicked that was causing it

Hi all - I’m 42 and have been gojng Greg since early 30’s. But what was for a long time a Gorge lamb style streak quickly has become much more salt than pepper. It happened so fast I didn’t even think too hard whether I should recolour, and was originally just happy to let it do its thing.

However I work in tech and last week was part of a chat where I was suprised to hear three of my male colleagues all talking about using Just for men, and that they do it to avoid ageism.

Our roles are consultancy roles where seniority is kinda part of the deal, but they were adamant that it helps them secure roles.

I was curious if others have the same experience of dying their hair helping their career or this is all a bit over the top.

Thanks

Nothing is more demoralizing and makes one feel super awful than being literally surrounded everywhere (work, shopping, going to festival/sports, out to eat etc) than seeing everyone seem so young and healthy and fit when you have passed that age and are not older and sicker and compare your old fit young self with these college students. How does one cope and learn to be happy on was blessed to have been that young fit beautiful person and now are in a totally new age and not feel jealous or resentful for those youth?

To give some background. I'm 22 years old. I am a Staff Accountant at a construction company. M-F is 8am to 5pm. I also work Saturdays 7am to 3:30pm for a Cabinet shop. Part helping in the shop and other is administrative work. I am in school full time for accounting 12 credits all online and I got 1 more year of schooling. I am a husband, and a father to a 16-month-old and a baby coming December 2026. I work a lot to try and keep my family comfortable and my wife a Stay-at-home mom. I'm also trying to start working out again due to health issues that I'm afraid will prevent me long term of being a better father. I had Torn my labrum from Collegiate wrestling and reinjured that caused bone loss in the front part of my shoulder. Frequent dislocations still occur but when I consistently exercise it doesn't happen as often. M, W, F I lift 30-45minutes T, Th, Run for 30 minutes.

I understand I just threw a ton of information all at once. My main focus is how to prevent the burnout issue from affecting my family and what goes on in the home. As of lately, I have been trying to clean up the kitchen, dishes, put the living room back in order, for my Wife to wake up to an organize/clean home. I try to detail my wife's car every other weekend to keep in clean and smelling good. Then every week, I will try to give the bathroom a good clean to keep it decent all the time. I will say there are evenings and days where I don't get the kitchen organized or I leave my clothes on the bathroom floor.

How do I support my stay-at-home wife with the house and kids without overloading myself to the point where I become resentful or burnt out? Also, what are more impactful things I could be doing to help my wife and kids? All advice is appreciated, thank you.

Extra note: Hopefully when I finish up school. I can get a pay increase to stop working Saturdays. Or figure out how I can bring my kids to the cabinet shop to hopefully teach them tools and such.

49M here. Until hitting 40, I had only once such an erection issue and this was a side effect of a pill.

After 45, I significantly noticed the reduction of my erection quality and also had 2 erection cases. I told about it with my urologist and he did not really take it serious.

However I wonder how often this happens to other guys. I am glad to hear your experiences, if you have ever had erection problems, if yes, how often it occurs, etc.

Could be from anything, such as gaming, soccer, or kung fu, as long as you compete and win a bronze to gold from time to time in at least a regional tournament.

Maybe it’s because of the recent wedding. Maybe because I turned 30 this year. But lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what it actually means to be a man, not in some abstract way, but in real life.

I keep remembering my dad when he was younger, always handling something, work, home, family, responsibilities. From the outside it felt like he just never had the option to stop. And at some point that thought hit me with a kind of FEAR.

My parents aren’t getting younger. My wife and I have our own life to build. The world feels unstable all the time. We had to move out of our country because there's no job for us. Same many of our friends. And suddenly I felt the weight of it, even though I'm for 5 years abroad already. like, I need to learn how to carry life for real. Am I not carrying enough? But no, there's a feeling I'm an impostor man.

Rationally, I can sit down and think about resources, support, what I can rely on. But if I’m honest, there’s still fear underneath it all.

am I actually strong enough for life? Will I be able to handle it without breaking? Why do I even THINK that life=struggle? Is it an imprint received from culture?

Rationally, I know that becoming a man isn’t about reaching a point where nothing scares you. I have and had manly examples. I've read books, talked to people, did therapy and Men group gatherings.

But still there's this life fear. Maybe fear that somewhat exponentially I have to carry the life and walk walk walk.

Thanks for reading. If you're someone who considers himself mature enough and truly internalized this feeling, I appreciate your response.

Also mental health. The manic side of me peaked in high school, while anxiety and depression crippled a good chunk of my 30s. Dad, older cousins and uncles are now in Dads' Heaven, so I figured I should find someone to ask.

When i was younger we called it something else but now young males are apparently calling it gooning . I didn't know this until today

This is something I’ve experienced since entering my 40s (45 now). And I’ve heard other mention it as well.

It’s not anxiety nor depression but more a “meh is this it feeling” like life just feels a bit boring, like same shit day in day out repeat, the excitement is gone.

If you’re like me your kids are grown and no longer need you so gone really is your life’s purpose or main occupation, you parents are all aging maybe even getting sick, your job well gone is the drive to get anywhere you’re more interested in just counting down the years until you can retire.

I completely stopped going to the dentist over a decade ago. It originally started when I moved to a new city in my early 30s-I meant to find someting local, but it just became one of those things I kept kicking down the road. "I'll handle it next month" somehow turned into twelve long years. I've had great dental coverage through work the entire time, so I have no excuse. It’s just pure, unadulterated procrastination mixed with a growing sense of dread.

At this point, it’s mostly the fear of what they're going to find. I'm terrified they're going to tell me I need a mountain of extensive, painful work done. I brush and floss daily, and luckily I haven't had any major emergencies or random toothaches yet. Still, I know I need to suck it up and just face the music before my luck runs out. But man, I’d honestly rather do three back-to-back brutal leg days at the gym than sit silently in that chair waiting for someone to poke a raw nerve with a metal hook. Any other guys here who went through a massive, multi-year gap between visits? How bad was the actual reality compared to the nightmare scenarios in your head?

I'm in my mid-40s and have been trying to get serious about my health over the last couple of years with training, nutrition, bloodwork, skin, the lot. Not a crisis. Just feels like the right time to actually have a good health protocol in place rather than wing it.

The problem is almost everything I find is either aimed at men trying to get "jacked" for the first time, or it's so generic it's useless. "Exercise more. Eat less processed food. Sleep well." Thanks.

The stuff that's actually relevant to my situation is how training needs to change after 40, what bloodwork I should actually be getting, how to think about testosterone, what skincare actually does anything, whether peptides are worth looking at - either doesn't exist or is buried in bro-science forums or $500/month concierge medicine practices.

Peter Attia, despite his reputation, has good info but academic. Huberman is all over the place and skews young. Most men's health magazines aren't informative at all.

Is anyone else in this bracket finding the same gap? And if you've found sources that actually speak to men in their 40s who want to perform and look their best (not just "stay healthy") I'd love to know what they are.

This sub seems to have people who've actually figured some of this out, so figured it was worth asking.

Your grandfather may have had one. My dad certainly did. A chair (or in my case, 1/2 of a long couch) next to a side table or coffee table with you laptop, tablet, phone, chargers, reading glasses, remote controls, etc. always in position and ready to go? Usually in the living room. Bonus points if you get annoyed when somebody touches your stuff.

It just dawned on me today that all my social interactions take place outside my home.

I never have visitors, and rarely if ever visit any of my friends homes.

We meet in the pub or at gigs / sporting events.

I’m 50 and divorced for 10 years.

Is this the usual for us older blokes?

If you could only take 4-5 supplements for energy, sexual health, mental clarity, which would you choose? I’ll start: D3/K2 combo, B complex, zinc, magnesium, and C. Any other recommendations?