u/psychopathic_shark

Dating an amazing guy. We had such an amazing connection. We laughed, shared common interests, I could talk to him about everything, he was clever, caring, amazing.

I knew about his past relationships one had been physical and mentally abusive with coercive control leaving him to raise his two kids who are now adults and lovely and made him more admirable.

Then... He asked me to message more so he knew I was thinking of him so I did, he wanted to spend every moment together, he would say I was not putting him first if I went out with friends. I work crazy shifts he knew this before we got together and then had a massive melt down because I was working accusing me of not spending time with him when I was seeing him as much as I possibly could cancelled on friends to be there for him booked us time away twice where I drove and paid for the break away it was never enough. We argued and he became very hurtful. I saw the behaviours he had escaped projected onto myself. Trying to control me he was totally blind to the effort I had made for him. I told him it was over he became even more annoyed and then looked at his behaviour and apologised. It was too late the damage was done.

It was a short relationship with so many positives but one massive negative. It's a shame that other people had broken a guy who could have been someone amazing. I miss him I really do but I had to protect myself.

Do you feel you can share your vulnerabilities with your partner and discuss fears and worries?

Can you come in from a bad day and have a chat about it or do you bottle things up and keep it hidden?

In a new relationship, I am in my 40s decided to hit the dating scene and met a lovely guy. Neither of us have been in a full relationship for a long time just took to focusing on work. I am child free he has 2 lads one being 11 years old. He is a great dad to both of them (I'm not popping any out at my age) think that has made him very stable and independent.

He is a mechanic and sends me random pictures throughout the day of things he is fixing. This goes totally over my head because I haven't got a clue what it is but I always ask questions about it and what it does. He sends me voice notes as a chat and makes me smile because he gets distracted with his work and just reels off a load of mechanical terms and expressions then just goes back to what he was saying. He is sub zero chill all the time.

What things do you guys like to hear and makes you just feel good hearing from your SO ? Just daily drop into conversation things that would put a smile on your face? Also what would make you cringe ? Know everyone is different.

Basically I have met a lovely guy. He is the sole parent of his 18 year old and the main parent of his 11 year old. He never hid the fact that his boys are his world and that makes me like him all the more. We are both in our 40s so further children are not on the cards by any means. I never wanted children of my own so it is a plus for me.

So Adam the oldest spends a lot of time with his girlfriend, he works has his own car does his own thing unless it's part of the shares hobby they all have where they spend loads of time together, shared interest. Unfortunately Adams mother is not in his life and hasn't been from 1 year old.

Brandon the younger lad is from what I have heard a very sweet lad a little more reserved than Adam from what I have been told. However the reason he is with dad is because his mum struggled with her mental health and addiction. She is more stable now and he does spend some time at her house. This was his choice and his dad thinks it's important to have a relationship with his mother.

So then I come in, a new person in his life soon to meet him properly. I have told the guy I am with that I don't want to force him into any uncomfortable situations and that I have to earn his trust on his terms regardless of what both myself and my new partner want.

What is the best way to build a bond with him? I don't have many kids in general in my life so just don't want to make him feel like firstly I am taking his dad away from him or that I want to replace his mother because he has one who he needs a relationship with regardless. From what I have heard of her past she can be intermittent with her mental health and addiction however that relationship I think is important for both of them just need to catch him if she falls.

So yeah, how do I build a good bond with him so that he doesn't feel all the above and be a part of his life where his world is a secure and safe one and he doesn't feel as though he is being pushed out? Again new partner just says "he will be fine don't worry" but Brandon to me just from what I have heard seems a little more sensitive than Adam. Any advice greatly needed. Don't want to screw this up