u/puck_the_fatriarchy

I (F50) have been dating J* (M47) for 1.5 years (18 months). It's been rocky. He has little emotional regulation and I find I'm the one doing that, but not doing a great job because All The Things. I can barely regulate myself, am working on it, and absolutely can no longer absorb the blowback from his dysregulation.

We were working toward moving in together but he called me at work yesterday (busiest day of the month for me) at 2 pm and told me he didn't want to move in together. He started the conversation by saying, "Is it really fair that I pay 50% if your daughter is living with us?". My daughter is 20, goes to college, has her own apartment there (2 hours away) but is home this summer living with me for three months while she works an internship. She'll be back at college mid-August, graduates next spring, and who knows after that. In any event, WHAT THE FUCK. The plan was to rent a three bedroom giving us the owner suite to share and then one extra bedroom for his office/baseball card collection/general junk and one extra bedroom for a guest room. My daughter could stay there when she visits, even if for three months. AND his mother could stay there when she visits instead of staying in a hotel like she does now. 50% split on rent. Feels fair to me.

Well, I guess it didn't feel fair to him because, as mentioned, he called IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORK DAY to tell me he didn't want to move in with me anymore.

I broke up with him. For a wide variety of reasons but mostly because he's been futurecasting and fantasizing with me about how great it will be when we move in together for a couple months now but then he dropped this on me mid-work day, over the phone. Thoughtless. Impulsive.

He was unemployed for a year and I helped pay for his rent. He borrowed over $5,000 from me and has since paid it back but not without nagging and asking from me.

He said he's been "taken advantage of before" (by his ex and her sister when she rented from him). Taken advantage of. Like, he thinks I'm going to take advantage of him by asking for 50% of the rent in an apartment we share equally.

I have broken up with him before; always because of some insensitive bs he did that hurt my feelings. But this one goes deep. This is my daughter. Ugh. He is crying and sad and doesn't want to break up. I'm not sure what result he expected from all this?

In any event, I'm rambling, I'm sad, I feel like I'm never going to find love. Why do I date men who are emotional incompetents? I know it's because of codependency but I need someone to remind me how and why. Halp.