u/purpleand20

So, PLEASE DONT ATTACK ME, I'm going to the ENT doctor for my hearing. It's a long story, but basically I'm checking my hearing to see if there's anything wrong (and if I have auditory processing disorder). Because I struggle with hearing lowly voices and distinguishing voices in noisy backgrounds, I decided to get OTC hearing aids/ amplifiers and something I noticed is how I much clarity there is! I actually could hear what's going on from outside my room much clearer (and my dumb self thought the HAs were picking something something up) but my parent was having an meeting/call and I could clearly hear it. When I took them off (my door was closed by the way), the sound was muffled. Isn't that crazy? I guess I should relay that message to my ENT doctor.

As someone who's going to an ENT to getting their hearing checked (and eventually will see an audiologist for APD) I can't understand what people say, especially when they speak lowly or in crowded spaces. I don't want to say I'm hard of hearing because I'm really not. I know some people who are HOH do accept that but I don't think that's right. When I'm speaking with people, what do I say without necessarily educating people about APD or giving out my whole story?

This is very new to me; growing up, I was a tomboy but hated when people misgendered me. For reference, I was born in a female body. But at the same time, as I was growing up, despite my small frame/stature, I felt self conscious around my butt/chest. Mind you, my butt is flat and I have small breasts, but they made me feel like I was being perceived?? And I grew up with boys around me, wondering why I didn’t have what they had between their legs when I was younger. Like, I was genuinely upset.

Fast forward to today’s time; I had my head shaven a couple years ago and I thought I looked great! It’s a long story as to why I cut it and why I had to hide it lmao but I felt free. At some points, I did feel less than feminine, but I was satisfied (until my hair got to the awkward stage but that’s beside the point).

I don’t know how to describe myself; I guess genderfluid. But why so later in life, is what I’m wondering? How did I figure this out so late at 31?

I've always felt upset when people called me a boy growing up but as I grew into my body my breasts and butt (while small) were a problem for me. I didn't like being perceived. I didn't like them being there sometimes. Sometimes I did. Sometimes I loved them being there. I was always wishy washy.

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Fast forward to the present moment. I remember feeling disoriented looking at a picture of myself, seeing myself with makeup and hair done, all of it. I felt like I was a looking at a costume. I felt nauseous. I went from being a tomboy growing up to liking girly things but even then, sometimes the makeup feels like I'm playing dress up.

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I have male alters. I have other alters who identify as they/them. It's all so confusing and the way I'm explaining this must be so confusing.

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I ask myself...what am I? Who am I? I'm thinking about getting a binder to put myself at ease, but I don't know.

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So, I’m still dissociating, but I realize it’s due to work. There’s nothing I can do about it; I’ve been trying to apply to jobs yet to no avail. I’ve been away from work due to low hours, and shortly after coming in, I get in I feel dissociative and nauseous. I stop ringing up the customer and run to the restroom.

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I’m sure it’s a headmate/alter trying to front, but I don’t know anymore. I’m just out of it. I still dissociate at home, but it’s MUCH worse at work.

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What can I possibly do?

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I've been zoning in and out, and just about nothing's been helping....

This has been happening for the past couple of weeks, and it'll happen at the most random moments, when I'm watching videos or doing whatever I'm doing.

Even smelling my essential oil isn't helping at all.

I recently had my alters come about again after they were hiding over something they freaked out about (long story), and ever since, it's been happening. I also had a recent therapy session where another little came out who we thought was causing me to zone in and out. I thought it would be the end of it. I'm still zoning in and out.

What can I do? I'm at my wits' end.

I've been zoning out on a constant basis, as the title says, especially since I've discovered my gatekeeper/protector and my alters have come out from hiding (long story). I can still hear what's going out from the outside, but It's like a camera that's out of focus. It's been happening more often and I'm sick of it. I'm not in any danger at the moment. What gives?

I’ve been asked so many times where I’m from (Virgin Islands, Canada, New York) and have been told on multiple occasions that I have an accent (South African, posh, New York). I was born and raised in the US, but as a system, I understand that sometimes alters camouflage and pretend to be the host, for lack of a better word, as a mean not to be seen. I mean, I have an alter “from the Bronx…” This has gone on LONG before my diagnosis.

Would all of this be an instance of camouflaging? Have my alters always been in the back this whole time, camouflaging as not to get caught?

So, I wrote here earlier about me not hearing from most of my alters. I’m convinced that they’re hiding in their inner world for the time being. I still deal with passive influence though, with their interests bleeding into my life still. Does that make sense?

So, I wrote here earlier about me not hearing from most of my alters. I’m convinced that they’re hiding in their inner world for the time being. I still deal with passive influence though, with their interests bleeding into my life still. Does that make sense?

for a while, I've heard nothing from my alters and I thought I was faking everything. my hours at work are a bit wonky and I've been getting paid less so even though I don't feel as much stress as I used to working more hours, I guess my alters are hiding right now for that reason?

for a while, I've heard nothing from my alters and I thought I was faking everything. my hours at work are a bit wonky and I've been getting paid less so even though I don't feel as much stress as I used to working more hours, I guess my alters are hiding right now for that reason? What can I do?

So...I'm formally diagnosed. It's wild how I'm actually diagnosed with this disorder. It basically signifies that what I went through was wrong and that I didn't deserve to go through it at my young age. It means that what I went through and what I experience from a day to day basis is valid. I feel sad for younger me and want to give her a huge hug. I want to hug all of my alters too.