u/purplewinemouth

Hi all,

I posted recently about my stepdaughter with FASD and the meltdowns she had at our house recently. She ended up staying at our house again this past weekend, and it was so heartbreakingly difficult for all of us. I’m not really looking for advice, I just could use some support.

Let me preface by saying that I know she doesn’t have meltdowns like this because she hates us or that she’s doing anything out of spite. I know this isn’t about us. I understand that 3 weekends in a row away from her mom is A LOT, especially since we live 3-4 hours away.

However, to say this past weekend was tough would be an understatement. Actually, it was hands down the worst weekend we’ve ever experienced with her. She had a complete meltdown the ENTIRE weekend. I am not exaggerating when I say that she cried morning, noon, and night for nearly 4 days straight because she wanted to go home. She would wake up and cry. She told me over and over to take her home. We got nothing done because she cried and didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere. She cried when she woke up from a nap. She refused to eat. She refused to play. She just repeated herself over and over and over and over that she wanted us to take her home. She called my fiance by her stepdad’s name, something she’s never done before.

The worst of her meltdowns happened on her last day. She was asking to put on her shoes to leave, asking what time it was every 5 seconds so we could leave. I told her that if she took a quick nap, I’d wake her up and she’d be on her way. She responded by throwing herself onto her bed and screaming out in agony, flailing and kicking her feet. I’ve never seen or heard anything like it. She sounded like a dying animal.

I am trying to be patient, to be empathetic, to understand that being at our house was too much for her and that she desperately missed her mom. But it still hurt. It hurt to see her in that much distress. It hurt to see my fiance so upset. It hurt for everyone. She wasn’t like this before she started her medication, and now any slight change to her routine throws her off completely. I guess I just wasn’t prepared for her to spend 3 weekends in a row getting worse and worse. She became unrecognizable. It was so hard to watch.

I’m trying to remember that this is just how her brain works. I’m trying to adjust my expectations, even though she was a happy kid 4 months ago. I’m sad because we don’t think she will be able to come to our wedding in a few weeks since it is in a new place and she will be around people she doesn’t know. She had a meltdown at my bridal shower, so I can’t imagine what a new place will do to her. Of course we want her there to celebrate, but if it is only going to cause her great discomfort and stress, then I don’t see the point in putting her through that. No picture is worth watching her in agony for my own sake. The reality of that makes me so sad, but we need to consider the fact that now that she’s getting older, being away from her routine and her mom is very destabilizing for her. If she doesn’t want to come to our house, then I don’t see the point in forcing her and making everyone miserable.

My fiance and I are at a loss and deeply sad by our inability to console her. We’re so exhausted. I want to give her the best life I can, but the custody arrangement and the distance means that it will always be a struggle. It is what is is.

I love that little girl so much, and I’m just sad by the reality of the situation. Maybe things will be different if she comes over in a few weeks or month, but I’m trying to be realistic. Her mom wants us to have her every other weekend again, but given the circumstances, that is not going to work, especially since my fiance is going to be working Sundays again, and I don’t want to alone with her til 6pm getting screamed at to take her home. That’s not fair to her or us.

I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I knew from everything I’ve read that her emotional outbursts would get worse with time, but I guess I wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon.

We’re going to do what we can to just keep moving forward, but it’s hard.

Any kind words would be so appreciated. ❤️

Hi all!

I am about to become a stepmom to a very wonderful and sweet little girl who has FASD. She is 9 and has recently been having MANY issues with mental breakdowns, particularly around not getting her way.

A little background:
-Mom had her young and didn’t know she was pregnant and drank often/went on roller coasters during her pregnancy and did not receive any prenatal care
-Stepdaughter lives out of state with mom (~4 hours away), so we don’t get to see her much except for planned weekends
-She struggles with memory the most, as she is unable to get any color except for her favorite color (pink) correctly
-Her school said she is making zero progress in learning, so her mom got her on 100mg of Quelbree, which she’s been on since March of this year

She is a very sweet girl, and I love her to death, but she has recently been getting very out of control, and I believe this medication is causing her to become aggressive and withdrawn.

A few things that have been happening ever since she’s been on medication:
-Intense irritability
-2+ hour meltdowns when being told no, especially if we are out in public, and she will cry and scream that she wants to go home until we do
-Saying “no” to everything she’s told to do. For example, she had a 30 min meltdown after she was told to brush her teeth. She had a 2 hour meltdown after being told to wait before she started to eat.
-Extreme mood swings with random crying out of nowhere, but obviously she doesn’t have the vocabulary to explain why she’s upset, so there’s no way to comfort her
-Becoming socially withdrawn when around others and will cling to only my partner and me

I’ve been trying to educate myself as much as possible about her condition, and while I understand that the emotional dysregulation would start happening, I guess I just wasn’t prepared for it to happen to suddenly. Her mom says to “just let her be the boss!” which is not something that’s going to fly in our household. There’s no way I’m letting a 9 year old run my house. I do wonder if that might be contributing to her becoming more and more bossy every time we see her.

Her mom also says that she’s not going to switch her medication anytime soon, so I guess my question is: how can I best support her when she’s triggered? I’ve been trying to be mindful that shes mentally about the age of 3-4, so I’m trying to meet her where she’s at, cognitively speaking.

I know every kid is different, but does anyone have any advice or suggestions for navigating the meltdowns? As someone who also went back and forth between 2 houses, I understand that she’s always going to have some sense of instability when it comes to living in 2 places. I just want to help make her time away from her main home as comfortable as possible while also maintaining appropriate boundaries around her outbursts and defiance.

Any thoughts, words of encouragement, book recommendations, or anything else would be greatly appreciated. ❤️

I almost slipped up over the weekend. My fiancé just picked up more bud and edibles (because he doesn’t have a dependency problem - lucky him!) and I had the tests of a lifetime to not smoke.

Reasons why I WANTED to smoke:
-It was my bridal shower on Saturday and family was visiting from out of town
-Our internet was out all weekend
-My special needs stepdaughter had meltdowns every day
-I was stressed and overwhelmed
-Sleep is still hit-or-miss

I really, REALLY wanted to ask where the goodies were (I make him hide them) and just give up. It was all I could do to not say fuck it and roll up a joint. These were good enough reasons to get high, right??

As much as I wanted to throw in the towel, I reminded myself over and over the reasons why I wouldn’t smoke:

-Smoking doesn’t make me smarter
-I say ridiculous things when I’m high
-It keeps me from being present
-I don’t remember what anyone says
-I overeat and then regret it
-It kills my libido
-It makes me anxious and agitated
-It ages my face significantly
-It kills my productivity
-It makes my eyes dry and irritated
-It ruins my critical thinking and problem-solving abilities
-It makes me lose money
-It makes me gain weight
-It makes me socially withdrawn
-It ruins my ability to help with parenting

My family used to call me a “pothead loser” behind my back, and I used to wear it like a badge of honor. Now? I kind of get where they’re coming from. I am 34, not 24. I don’t need to be getting high to function around people. I need to be stable, sharp, and present. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my chosen family. There is a little girl who is looking to me for guidance and support. How am I supposed to give her that if my eyes are glossy and my mind is elsewhere?

And hey, would you look at that? The list NOT to smoke is longer than the list of excuses TO smoke.

These are reasons why I will not smoke today. I will not eat edibles today. I can sit with my feelings even when they’re uncomfortable.

I can do hard things.

I’m now officially one month clean from weed, the longest I’ve gone in six years! Yay!

However, last night was pretty brutal. I only got about 3 hours of sleep even though I took all the steps to make it easier (no phone for an hour before bed, tea, sleep meditation), and it was rough. My sleep progress has not been linear, but I’m remaining hopeful.

One day at a time, my friends.

Hello fellow ex-potheads!

It’s now been 16 days since I last got high.

Something I’ve started to notice without the weed cloud is the way people around me treat me, especially my stoner friends. Ever since I’ve quit, they’ve been supportive, but they seem…resentful? I’ve said I don’t mind if they smoke, but now I’m being treated like a fragile bird for being sober.

I’m feeling a bit anxious as I’m going to a baseball game tomorrow with two friends, both of whom are very heavy smokers. I know they won’t pressure me, but I can sense them distancing themselves from me now that I’ve stopped.

Anyone else going through the same thing? It’s like my sobriety is a disease.

I’m still staying strong. I will not give up on myself.

Tomorrow will be 13 days clean from weed- the longest I’ve gone without being high in over six years!

It’s been brutal. So many sleepless nights. So much rage. So much discomfort sitting with my own feelings.

However, I’m happy to say that sleep is starting to turn a corner. It’s not perfect, but I’m finally getting more rest. My anxiety is fading. My memory is getting better.

Quitting is worth it. Quitting is freedom.

I am now officially one week completely clean of weed! It’s been a brutal week of no sleep, but I finally got rest the past two night, although since I’ve been sick, I had a little help with it. However, I feel a little optimistic because I never could sleep without weed included in the line up, and this time I could.

Now that I’m a week clean, I’ve noticed that my anxiety has been letting up. My head feels more clear. I’ve been smoking heavily since Covid, and this is the first time I’ve been sitting with my thoughts freely.

I used to think that weed would boost my libido, enhance my creativity, and make my world better. And maybe that was true for a little while, but over time, all I have to show for it is…nothing. I haven’t done anything worthwhile in years. I haven’t picked up my camera, haven’t started the book I’ve been wanting to write, nothing.

I used to think it was so cool that I was a pothead, but now I feel sad for that version of myself. I am 34 years old, and I don’t want to spend the rest of this decade wasting away on my couch. That isn’t to say there wasn’t a time where it wasn’t helpful, because it did get me through some seriously dark times, but I am ready to move on from my past.

I’m getting married in just over 3 months, and I want to spend the next 100 days really focusing on my physical and mental wellbeing. I want to be present. I want to feel beautiful when I walk down the aisle, not anxious about how old I am starting to look from the heavy weed usage. I’ve already noticed that the fine lines around my mouth have slightly lessened, and my skin looks brighter.

I don’t know if I’ll use again, but it’s going to be a no for now. I’ve learned that the craving intensifies if I give myself an ultimatum, so I’m not going to say no forever. Just for now. At least until the wedding. And then I plan on extending that to Christmas.

I know I will still likely keep experiencing insomnia, night sweats, and these wildly vivid dreams, but waking up today with a clear head and better skin is motivating me to keep going.

Here’s to getting through another day. We got this.

Another night of not being able to sleep more than 2 hours. I can’t call off work again and I have to be up in 2 hours. I don’t know how I can do this much longer. I look like shit. I feel like shit. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this.

Does it get better? This not sleeping is destroying my will to live.

It’s 5am, and I have been up since 2am. I am completely out of flower/edibles, but I want to be done. I have caved several times now as it’s hard to fight through the sleeplessness.

Going on 4 days now without weed, and the insomnia is getting to me. Gonna have to call off work today because I just cannot get my mind to rest.

Any advice? Encouragement? I’m worried that I’ll never sleep well again.