u/quietfieldwork

I waited up until 12am and quietly sang happy birthday to myself. Nobody else remembered.

I don’t know how to begin with this. I guess I’ll start with the fact that the one and only relationship I’ve ever been in was a decade ago and I’m now in my 30’s having a mid life crisis it seems 🫠

I started transitioning 4 years ago and it was like a switch went off and I’m now very gay. My issue is that relationship wasn’t.. the best, and it caused me to basically abstain from relationships and intimacy since then. So I have little to no experience in my formative years and then spent a decade in not only celibacy but in isolation, offline. I’m not on any apps because I have no idea how to navigate them socially.

Unfortunately going on T has kicked my libido back into gear like clumping a rusty old boiler on the fritz but I’m lowkey terrified?! I know what I want and what I don’t want but is it out there?

I hear so often that cis gay men don’t like us and want absolutely nothing to do with us and that notion has buried itself in so deep that I can’t shake the feeling of dread I get when I think about even attempting to find someone compatible, cruising or anything else in that ballpark.

Someone tell me dating and/or hooking up as a gay trans man isn’t all doom and gloom? 😭

Joking aside it’s been 11 maybe 12 years since I’ve been sexually active, with anybody. 3 years ago I came out as gay which to everyone else in my life must have come out of left field. Ever since then I’ve sort of put everything… in that department on hold to sort my life out, sort my diet and physique out, sort my life out again, sort my living situation and finances out, and so on and so forth. I haven’t prioritised my sex life or any connection to another human being for such a very long time. I just haven’t felt ready I guess… I don’t know really.

But, I’m 32 this year and time feels like it’s slipping through my fingers at the rate of knots and I’m not getting any younger but I’m still too god damn insecure about my looks, and about my lack of experience; and I’m incredibly apprehensive at this point, having spent so bloody long alone, to do anything about it or even try.

So I guess I’m going to be the cool uncle who lives alone with his cat and tinkers in his shed 🤷🏻‍♂️