u/qwqile

I've read the quran twice in its entirety in my childhood when i was learning how to read it ive never read the translation i recently converted back to islam and i want to read and understand the text theres so many questions in my mind that i want answers to but reading quran with arabic and its translation as well feels tedious my mind plays tricks on me like im running out of time and i need to finish reading the quran with the translation atleast once so that i can assure myself that ive read and understood it on my own rather than going online and searching up what others interpret it as

i cant make peace with the fact that i was put on this earth without ever asking for it and now i have to live within these limiting rules to please god im a depressed mess i barely feel like moving ive no will to live nor do i have anything to look forward to in this world i cant pray 5 times everyday if i dont ill go to hell i have to cover up or ill go to hell i have to give up my friendship with my best friend because he is a guy or ill go to hell i cant do anything my family is no help either they tell me its gods will and it cant be questioned its a test and you have to peform better than this if you want to make it to heaven at this point im okay with going to hell because maybe thats what god created me for he knew from the start how id turn out i cry and beg during my prayers but he never listens i begged for happiness it never came i begged for death it never came i feel like he has forsaken me why cant he love me for who i am why does he need my prayer for him to grant me mercy