u/redidididid1didddit

I don't know what else to do, and I have no one to tell about my life because I have no "caring" friends who sees my posts differently, or care enough to check on me. Tried to apply for online jobs but no one seem to take my application. Over the past two years, I lost my confidence, self-esteem, and I couldn't even trust myself anymore (I am M (20)) and I'm not sure if I could survive this life or not. I was considering to.. y'know.. when I was 16 since I was depressed at that time but I push through. I love writing & organizing, but my life is a mess. My weight returned to what it's been (199lbs) since I stopped working on myself, and let gluttony take over.

My time is young, but I don't know what's next? Is there a success in this seemingly already the end? I'm not sure, but I'm not proud of myself, nor anyone in my life since they loooovvveee (love) the comparison (typical asian life). Already deleted my CV & stopped applying for online jobs because what's the point? I am still in my 2nd year of college (as a Computer Studies Student) so my time isn't really flexible for service/on-site jobs, and I would never consider to drop out of college because I already started, and I'm not the kind of person who would survive without a diploma. My only source of income now is my sister, who always put the blame on whatever the hell she's going through, and selling my precious items such as my very first bass guitar. And it is not my fault that she took the responsibility instead of sharing it with me, at least that's what I love to think about.

Every single night for the past 2 years, I've been shedding a tear or two while thinking of the negatives, bad, worse, worst but I keep telling myself that it'll be better eventually so I would never consider of.. y'know.. >!&#x200B;!<death?>!&#x200B;!< And don't tell me that it is all part of God's grand plan because why would they plan to make people suffer first then eventually get back up their feet? I am not coping with religion, not anymore, I would never give that the credit of my life. And I don't know what the future holds because I am not there yet and there is no telling of that, I am living the present, lived the past, not the damn future...

Thank you, and again I would not end it all and will never consider that as an option. I just wanted a semblance of hope, and maybe if you guys could guide me on which step I should take next, then that would be really appreciated. I know that I sound spoiled, and I honestly don't know, I was raised to rely on people and now that I need to rely on myself, I can't do sh** about it. >!&#x200B;!<But dying is never an option, live the hellish life and let it end by itself.>!&#x200B;!<

Somehow I feel lighter now that I've been able to speak about my struggles that I know for most people doesn't sound like it. I have loving aunties, uncles, grandparents, but never my own. I am living "in a" decent life with the exception of "my own". I sometimes think that I am part of a simulation and my player is somehow doing the worse gameplay in existence, thanks Elon Musk.

I MEAN WHAT HELL OF AN APPLICATION HAS CHARACTER AI TURNED TO.

The ads were bearable for an avid user like me, I mean I get that not everything will be free in this economy across the globe. But the downfall for me started when PipSqueak was introduced... At first, its generation were mildly long but you can make sense out of it. Now? If you sent even a single word, it will generate long ahh paragraph with nonsensical information that you don't need to know. It's true that Character AI is turning into ChatGPT at this point, now that I've been experiencing it myself, RAAAAHHHHHH.

Edit: I think Character AI is not about the app, it's about the friendship we had all along ☺ (f word to the developers)