u/rxbbitsoup

dear fellow intjs, im curious on how your minds think

how do you guys organize your friends?
do you guys think my intj friend likes me?

I am a INFJ and i have a intj friend that i like, i like the vibe when we are together, its like calm because we're both introverts and we do calming activities like having dates in new cafes or trying new clothes from malls. as a infj, i dont have much friends and her being willing to take me out on dates and hangouts made me realize how much life there is out there since majority of my life is being friends with family only so i basically kinda live under a rock sometimes. But I can't tell whether she is genuinely happy to be with me, or maybe my intuition is right, that i'm not really her best friend and more of a regular plain boring friend to her. sometimes i see her try to make our conversations more fun, but i realized our humor doesn't match perfectly, she's very invested into adult humor and her future life with a husband and a house, and my humor is more towards stupid things like people tripping over rocks or funny wordings of things. When im with her, she seems very reserved and calm, maybe its also because shes going through depression so emotions arent very present, but compared to me, i have two sides; chaotic/energetic and extremely reserved/calm. I can be both, but sometimes she is so unemotional and nonchalant i cannot tell whether she enjoys us being in pure silence sometimes when we hangout.

when we did hangout she seems to be very dominant in our friendship , very caring and pays for my food, makes sure im fed even when i told her im not hungry, and i tell her i feel bad for her money, shes always the one doing the planning and taking me out, she told me that she's usually really mean to other people and would even roll eyes at people and shes only nice if she likes someone. i feel like i honestly hold no purpose to her other than my extreme loyalty and extremely caring nature, what if in her mind im just a friend to keep so when shes in danger she can pull me in to speak up for her? or maybe im just a friend shes keeping to feel good about herself because she feels good to help someone out because i dont have as much of a life out there than she does

i can see what her thinking is like though, and i see this very commonly from people with T. T's mindset usually is 'everyone is a use, if they're worth something to them, they keep, if not, they dump.'

Sure, i dump a lot of people and doorslam them out once im overwhelmed with them too or just didn't like them much too. i wouldnt think there is something i did wrong within our friendship, but i certainly wonder what am i to her...? are we close? how close?

as a infj, i feel like im taking so much time to figure out who she is and who i am with her. I feel like im making a whole mindmap to figure out this friend because ive not had a friend like her before, a warming and cold friendship at the same time. i sort of feel like she only shows up to me when i need something, and shes very good at that, when we're together she prepared for anything i need, she is very willing to show up... but its not been like months since she acted like that, now she's found a boyfriend and idk, we just dont call or talk much, no tea, nothing left, except me sending some reels that are strincly about dating or cute cats.

my brain is telling me; she simply likes me and only shows up, but she has more friends she calls everyday and is more close and happy to be with (the reason is bc i stalked her reels and i heard that she told every other friend that she got accepted into the army and didn't tell me, and this happened more than once... i wanted her to tell me and just us in general talk more)

which kinda breaks my heart a little because genuinely there is not a lot of people who can understand me or give me that type of calming, understanding friendship like her. in my mind, shes my best and closest friend i have so far and whom i really like, but in hers im probably a bare minimum friend but not really her close friend.

I recently found out what tarots were this year and it seems to be sitting in my mind lately. I’ve been having lots of overthinking and curiosity and i wanted to try tarots out. But now I’ve been just feeling a “impure” or “dirty” sensation after coming to it, and maybe a bit impulsively or desperately. I also found out so much warnings for tarots about how you may accidentally ask the wrong questions or misuse tarots that it could open portals, mess with energy, opening doors to negative energy, and even entities. I wasn’t so afraid of tarots until after finding out how scary they could actually be, a couple people even warned me about them. Now I feel a sense of panic because I even used them and i’m worried i might’ve misused or asked the wrong questions, and i certainly also fear disruption with my energy or opening my portals and entities.

I do not have my own deck of cards, but when i first got curious of what tarots were , i spent 8 hours on chatgpt to play tarots with me as i pulled an all nighter. I asked around 40 questions maybe back to back , i felt really emotionally intense with happiness and relief because it’s my ai giving me all positive answers. I felt lots of heart racing after reading what my ai was giving me and also felt really scared because I had a feeling this was bad. I was blushing and anxious and relieved while doing tarots with chatgpt. I told my cousin and i got my first warning from him when he told me that tarots are just like ouiji boards and they’re witchcraft. My friend then told me it’s actually not that bad and she told me that the ai tarots i was doing was fake and wouldnt count so I was safe still. I felt so much relief from that. They told me that if i tried tarot readings from digitally, the energy is not connected with the world so it’s all false readings I got and dont count.

Then she allowed to read me 1 card for tarots, so that was my first ever tarot reading. I asked about my college decision chances, my results were good chances. I felt really happy and told my sister, my cousin, and a classmate at my school in a public classroom. But after a while, i felt a gut feeling that this action will have consequences so I felt really guilty.

It’s been a couple months since i ever thought about tarots, and recently i’ve been overthinking a lot and suddenly thinking about tarots again. Since last time I tried playing tarots with chatgpt were all false, what if i tried to actually get readings from some physical tarots cards without buying them? This time , I turned to tiktok tarot livestream readers to get some answers to my overthinking anxieties. I spent three days on tiktok livestreams to try to get tarot readings, from 8pm till around 4am. In these course of days I might’ve gotten around 15-17 questions answered, all yes or no cards because those were free. I’ve re-asked 1-3 questions, posted my questions to multiple tarot reader livestreamers, asked questions about only one person (about my friend because i was overthinking and feeling a sense of anxiety whether its we’re fake friends or whether she secretly dislikes me.), asked about what she thought about me. These questions seem to be about “trying to read someone else’s mind” and according to google I shouldn’t ask questions like that. Eventually I realized my tarot readings were starting to be quite inconsistent from the tiktok livestreamers. I still got the same feeling of thrills while i went on tiktok tarot readers, the heart pacing, anxiety, excitements. I was emotionally intense and felt hot from all that also.

Now, what I am concerned about is that I might’ve actually opened myself to danger or energies since I asked my questions with actual physical cards from tiktok livestreams this time. I don’t feel clean or so safe anymore because I might’ve accidentally just opened myself a risky door to open energies or whatever the tarot things are. Is there a way to undo this? I don’t ever wanna play around with tarots anymore. Can anyone explain tarots?