r/INTJfemale

My whole life I’ve (22yo) been very attracted to ENTPs. What I initially perceive as confidence is just the mask they’ve skilfully mastered their whole life in order to be desirable and liked, afraid to show their true, authentic selves. Not only do I get extremely drawn to them because of what I believe to be confidence and independence, but also because of the curiosity, loyalty & respect they usually possess for my ambition, knowledge and confidence (virtues I practiced and are intrinsic, as opposed to pretending to come across as such, depending on a need for external validation which results in them being very inconsistent). They almost become infatuated with my vision and worship it, or me as their altar.

This admittedly makes me terribly weak for them because they are providing a sense of visibility for my hard work most people do not see, healing that feeling / duty of performing for an ungrateful audience, they put all their faith in me and my pursuits, and in doing so my inner child experiences something that I rarely experience with anyone, whole understanding and acceptance.

However, this keeps us very hooked on each other and becomes a terrible spiral. Not only do they adapt my vision completely to their own lives but they become dependant on my input, approval and presence. This ultimately makes them a better person in which the ENTP man (24yo) I am seeing has admitted multiple times, but it gets me stuck in hopes of being loved because all I truly want is to be seen and matched. Since I’ve decided that they’re worth my time and energy and they understand few people get that from me as I am selective and precise, it feeds their ego A LOT and they do a lot to keep it this way, example: continuing to act in a manner they know will make me desire / become dependent on them.

So, I’ve known this ENTP for 5 months now. He admitted to me that the first night we met, he fell so hard for me, he became infatuated and completely obsessed. Very jealous too. Was inlove with how smart I was. I wasn’t in a place where I could allow dating (had experienced severe trauma), but we became good friends and he started seeing someone else shortly after. I stayed at his place for 2 weeks, and he treated me like his girlfriend with the biggest smile on his face. He tied my shoelaces, put my jacket on, brought me my favourite snacks, cooked food for me, cared for me, everything for me. He was so infatuated with me and cared for me like a goddess. Gave me a bunch of compliments all the time. This is where I started to fall for him. However, he was still continuing with the other girl. I told him, I’m not doing this. You have to tell her. So he did and they continued, saying they’re not exclusive. After that point onward I felt his distance, every time we met it was cold as opposed to how we were before. I found myself thinking ”This is a waste of my time”. He was still super shy and avoided eye contact and closeness because he just freezes or has to brace himself. I notice, every single time. But, he kept insisting we’re completely platonic. Ok sure, in the meantime I put energy on regulating my emotions and handling them so that I can move on in the best way possible. Please note that we cannot go more than 3 days without seeing each other ever since we first met**

One night, we went to a fair and everything was different. He tried to have that distance but failed miserably. It is almost like he cannot help himself away from me. Like he doesn’t manage to restrain himself. I won a bear and I hugged him, he picks me up and spins me around. We had such a good night. Later he confirms that he admitted this to the girl when he got home and that she broke it off with him because of that, it seemed to be a conflict in which he completely deflects responsibility. After that, we’ve had plenty of romantic moments that he claims he views platonically. Fine, I can see it that way too. Example: We did each others skincare and face mask, put lip balm on his lips, he carries me to smell flowers, go to museums, takes me to dance salsa with him, asks to go to a restaurant I told him I wanted to go to in my love confession to him, etc.

He admits to liking me extremely much, that he feels 80% lightness (apparently the same he does with close family and closest person in his life) and had only acted the way he did with me those 2 weeks when he was in a relationship with his ex-girlfriend. He admits to me being the closest to him and views me as the best person in his life atm.

Every time we meet, he’s always extremely nervous around me. To the point where he stutters, overtalks, looks away, can’t stop smiling or has to walk away and collect himself before talking to me. He also claims ”I know I need you in my life because you’re so… smart”. Or, ” a small price to pay for knowledge”.

One night I lashed out on him because I didn’t understand if he still saw all of this as platonic. He said, I didn’t mean to take a partners place in your life or to act like your boyfriend, that it is all platonic from his perspective. That genuinely shocked me because then there is no difference in how you act when you like someone romantically and not.

After that point I asked if I could ask for confirmation if I was unsure and he said that he definitely could do that for me if I got scared again.

Since that, nearly a month ago, we’ve been super close….. as usual. Seeing each other almost everyday. Studying, him buying me food and snacks, chilling / sleeping at my place, watching anime, talking, texting, etc. He’s planning a bunch of stuff for us to do and a trip he wants me to come with his friends on (we will see if he actually keeps what he says). He has apparently learnt some words in my native language that he casually drops, he asks about my belief and puts them on a list for him to learn more about, when I try to investigate he just deflects, he looks at me in awe when he thinks I don’t notice or stares at me when I laugh. Again, while reinforcing that we’re just friends.

Last weekend, we went to a party. He was sooooo delirious here, he was like a child in the presence of a goddess. My friends caught multiple pictures of him being completely in bliss after taking photos with me and then freaking out about being caught. He put on my favourite romantic song by my favourite artist, came in between every time me and a guy kinda flirted, put on a song we both like about how a guy wants a girl ”out of order” because he loves her body and mind, that he has too much ego & pride around her and whatnot. He also said something about if people at the party are friends with benefits, and how it’s hard to find a healthy fwb in which I’m not super responsive. I don’t care about random people being fwb.

The night escalates because a guy said a racist slur to him, and he starts pushing him. I run out and tell him to calm down, come inside, I hug him and try to be reassuring. Then, he puts his hands on my waist really tight, then moves his hand slowly down to my ass. Almost like he thinks I wouldn’t notice? I answer ”Okay I get it.” This was the first time of the night where we’re physically close. After that point he again has emphasised that we’re just friends to other people, and to me. I’m starting to think he wants me sexually and that he’s just a horny man. He is also in my friend group now, and participates heavily. If he’s not in love it’s almost as if he wants to be me.

I’ve truly never met anyone this fundamentally crazy and I don’t know whether to lean into it or not. He rejected me before when I opened up about my romantic feelings to him, when he was seeing the other girl in February, he told me ”rejection is alignment”, a week ago he states ”I’ve never watched you be rejected”…. He insists it’s platonic but.. friends don’t touch each others asses….? Friends don’t act in the way he acts around me, everyone sees that.

What’s going on? I’m unsure if I’m getting played, if he’s warming me up to start a sexual relation or if he’s about to confess his love. It feels like I’m being gaslit. He also is so overprotective, but has said he genuinely wouldn’t mind if I get into a relationship. Additionally, stating that a close girl friend has met his girlfriend in the past and that it was fine.

(I’d not like that at all, although my feelings has significantly lessened, they still exist attached to him and can be resurrected if I don’t keep them on a leash).

Only once have I felt this intensity. With my first boyfriend which was ENTP. I’m so confused and I think I am understanding that he has low self worth, and I am helping him build that up, he’s in love with how I make him feel about himself. He says ”I feel like you help keep me aligned with certain aspects of myself that I want to bring to the surface so im glad I can return something” after I told him he keeps me grounded socially.

All of this makes me think I should just drop this and live my hot girl summer, but I feel so safe with him (something I don’t have or want to seek out). I think I have an attachment to him because he took care of me after my severe sexual trauma when I was suicidal. I don’t understand why I am acting like this either, it’s unlike me to put up with this and to be hopeful in this way.

At the same time, I am really enjoying this a lot. The stuff we do, what we talk about, the tension and mystery. I like having him in this way. Simultaneously, I feel I am way too involved since this time, energy & openness is usually only put down in a relationship for me. If I’m getting enjoyment though, why should I rob myself of that? I’m not sure if I’d even want a relationship / dating with him after understanding his behaviour, but I still get a lot from him that I like. I get to experience myself with him and what I like to do and talk about. I dunno. I feel like I can definitely see the perspective where I’m winning but is that neglecting my emotions and being delusional? I’m not sure

I know for a fact that he’d be willing to customise the relation in any aspect I’d like just to keep me in his life. I know that he will always be a rock. I know he believes me and has a certain loyalty I don’t find in people.

Any guidance/perspective is appreciated.

Sincerely, intj 5w4 sx/so

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Emotionally manipulative mother, absent, avoidant father. I had to parent my parents throughout my life until I decided last year at 34 years of age, to block my mother. My father I didn't need to block because he never reached out to me actively once in his life. Although I emigrated across the globe to another far off country he never once really cared I guess. So he developed cancer a year ago and has very recently passed away. My mother thought that pushing him to undergo chemo might be a good idea because she couldn't accept him passing basically. She hid the fact that chemo basically wouldn't amount to anything since my father already had major surgery and many of his organs were removed... It's a whole story but I basically was so done when I visited home for the last time while he was still somehow in OK shape. She fed him harmful food while he should have been on a clean diet, put harsh chemicals and perfumes everywhere and all over so tonedeaf and blind to cancer facts and precautions. I was beyond myself but also having constant panic attacks being so overwhelmed with the whole delusion that was taking place. I stayed for a day, packed my bags, blocked my mother and flew back home. Haven't spoken to her for over a year, never miss her. I rather feel peaceful. I grew up being everyones emotional dumpster and caretaker, crisis manager, advisory and whatnot and in the end noone listened to me and everything still happened the way I predicted. I have a very distinct view of life and death, am spiritually connected in my own way. Our differences just can not be overcome. I am sick of emotional manipulation, and guilt tripping. Which is why I went NC. Has anyone here made a similar decision?

In a prepping sub where most users are men, I pretended to be a man because I felt people would take me more seriously. I wanted the focus to be on the topic, not on the fact that I was the only woman there. It seemed to work. We ended up having productive discussions, not just about prepping, but also about geopolitics and the instability of our times

I’m curious whether other INTJ women here have experienced something similar in male-dominated spaces

I am 21, an INFJ 5w4. From the start, I have always found myself kinda resonating with INTJs, and they also liked talking to me because I'm not really among the feeler type of INFJs. Having high cognitive ability makes me balance between my rational and emotional side. Similarly, I found this INTJ from another country. It's been almost 570+ days. Although we had a long break due to many reasons, we started talking again. She is 19 INTJ 3w4.

I like her worldview and how rationally and logically she brings things up from time to time. As for me, I'm not very touchy-feely and often get overwhelmed by constant calls and messages. I asked her to message me only during the night or anytime when she is absolutely free to talk to me. I even asked her to create a schedule because I'm on vacation, so I'm flexible throughout the day. She says that we are super excited to talk to me, but when I message her, after a few seconds she is gone, which I don't like , Considering what she has gone through childhood makes me feel more love towards her.

She also doesn't want me to worry about her much, which isn't possible for me at all. She is my love, and I do care about her. So similarly, this previous evening we talked about how we could bring predictability and consistency to the way we talk, and we came to the conclusion that she is free at night time.

The next day was her birthday, which is today. I had planned to give her a website that I made for her. I believe no one has ever made something like that for birthday, I wanted to watch her reaction at 12:00, while I am on call. So I waited for that time. I even had a plan to call her, but I didn't call her without asking first, so I waited because we have a 1.5-hour time difference. Since she had a fever, I thought she must be feeling dizzy or something. Although she previously explained to me that she still wants to talk to me even when feeling dizzy, I thought it was fine.

But by this time, it had already been 12 hours without us talking to each other. Now it's been 28 hours since we last talked. It hurts more because it's her birthday, and I wanted to see her happy. I don't know if her fever got worse or something, but wouldn't people at least tell their partner how they are doing if they were in a relationship? No matter how ill you are? Especially when you know that person cares about you a lot?

I am really angry and trying to cool down right now. I always said, "Be upfront. Don't keep things in your head," because I know she hides a lot.

I'm looking on how to be more assertive, because I see that it's very effective, but I can't really use it anymore. I had a bit of a people-pleasing era, which I outgrew, but habits from it still grace the surface from time-to-time. Now? I can be poked and prodded by my so called "friends" until my social battery is drained, and I still can't do more than just tell them to "stop." With others, it's much easier to lay down the law, and I've seen how effective my assertiveness can be, but I just can't put it into use in the face of this. If they aren't intimidated, I just have to sit there and take it.

First time posting here too so, hello!

I always find myself the odd one out of every social situation. My family is a conservative theist, I am left leaning atheist. People around me are mostly apolitical. I am very vocal about my politics. My family's weekend plan is deep cleaning. Mine is to sit in my room and wonder about various topics of the world.

I just don't relate to anyone and seem to can't find the people with whom I can belong.

Is it the same for all intjs out there? That our unbiased judgment leaves us hyper aware of everyone's flaws and that constant planning and plotting over ever damn topic leaves us with strong opinions over everything.

I am leaving a deeply sexist country, yet ironically, the people who hurt me the most were, in the vast majority of cases, women. Unexpected, isn’t it? At this point, though, I am exhausted — and honestly relieved that I am finally leaving Portugal.

I was raised around sports, discipline, and self-care. Since childhood, I have practiced several sports and always taken care of my appearance. That mindset came from my mother, who was always a beautiful woman, full of self-respect and warmth. However, my mother grew up in Argentina and only moved to Portugal at the age of 30, where my siblings and I were born. My father was not Portuguese either — he was Argentine as well. And I say “was” because he has not been part of my life for many years.

My father abused my mother daily. He tore her dresses, beat her if she went to a beauty salon to get her nails done, and little by little he started hitting me too. I was always the copy of my mother, and I think that deeply irritated him. Over time, he destroyed her spirit, and today my mother is a very sick woman who completely lost her spark. I still have not managed to get her out of that house. I promised her I would take care of her and make sure she would never lack anything, but because she comes from an extremely religious family, she still believes divorce is a sin and that marriage must last forever.

My past is filled with trauma: violence, my father’s alcoholism, hospital visits, and the unbearable pain of watching the person I love most in the world — my mother — lose her light. Because of this, I became extremely aware of domestic violence and women’s issues. I went through years of therapy and have often been the person warning friends that they were trapped in toxic relationships. I am independent, I own my own business, and I have been married for 10 years. My husband is the kindest and most gentlemanly person I have ever met in my life. Without him, I am certain I would have remained single forever.

Sports are a huge part of my life. I genuinely love training and I have a very toned body. My business is also aesthetics-related, so I am usually very well groomed and put together. Yet despite all of this, I am deeply unhappy in Portugal.

For years now, making female friendships here has felt almost impossible. Women often look at me as if I were a rival, a target to destroy, even though I am married. It is extremely common for me to simply walk through a shopping mall and be met with looks of contempt, even when I am dressed casually in jeans and an oversized sweatshirt. Sometimes, even when I am with my husband, I feel as though people look at me like I stole someone else’s man without realizing it, because honestly… that amount of hatred cannot be normal.

I usually react in two ways. Most of the time, I feel angry. I would be the first person to step in if I saw a woman in a vulnerable situation. I fight constantly to change mentalities, yet it feels as though simply existing and being happy somehow makes me a criminal. Other times, I just feel sadness — like today. I went for a walk at the mall because I was exhausted and my salon is nearby. I sat down to have a coffee and clear my head, and once again it was stare after stare, each one filled with a bitterness and contempt that I genuinely do not understand.

Maybe because my emigration papers are already ready, and because this final change will happen within a month, the reality of it all suddenly hit me. For the first time, I completely broke down crying and wanted to scream: “My God, what did I ever do to you? What did I do wrong? Was it wearing lipstick? Loving myself too much?”

Even now, at 38 years old, I still cry over this because nothing has changed. While my mother is mistreated at home, unable to understand that she still has options and refusing help, so many women waste their energy on pointless cruelty instead of valuing what truly matters. I would give anything to make my mother happy. I would give anything for women to understand that we are supposed to stand together because there is still so much left to change in this world.

I am tired. I am tired of my mere existence sometimes being enough for an insecure and frustrated woman to decide to create conflict with me. I am tired of my happiness being treated like an offense, when all I have ever wanted was to care about people and wish them well.

Of course, this is not the only reason I decided to leave, but soon I will be moving away — and no, not to Argentina. My salon in Málaga is already open and fully prepared to operate. I have spent a lot of time in Spain already, and I felt far more welcomed and at peace there. I truly hope that one day my mother can join me and finally understand what happiness feels like. And above all, I hope to finally find in Spain the peace I never found in Portugal: the freedom to be happy, light, and surrounded by kind, genuine people.

Hi everyone, I'm an INTP. This is actually my very first post on Reddit, even though I've had my account for a while.

I’ve always genuinely admired your organization skills and your ability to achieve goals. At the same time, I assume you aren't as 'perfect' as MBTI descriptions make you out to be, since those are just generalizations. To be honest, I've never actually interacted with an INTJ in real life, which deeply saddens me.

I'd love to know: what are the things that irritate you the most and what brings you joy when it comes to INTPs?

anyone else have this rare combination of intj and asd 1 (used to be known as asperger’s)? interesting how there is a lot of overlap between the 2.

Since intjs are famously known for being loyal this is an interesting thing to discuss. Intjs who have cheated on their partners if you don't mind sharing the story this will be very helpful.Why did you cheat? how do you think it all started? what was going inside ur head?

my entj father acts attacked when someone challenges him. He twists facts, supports views he didn't before to win. He's hurt good people for petty reasons. My Fi as an INTJ is always baseline pissed at him. And he doesn't even realise he can be misinterpreting someone's point completely.

he doesn't deserve the chip on his shoulder because he is inwardly selfish and only stands for himself and him LOOKING 'right', not even being right. And he can go to any extent to not only prove it but destroy the other person completely. He doesn't even realise it.

I think I found out why I don't like to speak to my dad anymore. Or my entj ex, who's been slandered on here plenty - I hate that I am forced to appreciate and care about them but their care for me is ultimately conditional and limited.

Also, if you don't come out as a stronger and better person after a trauma, does that mean you're weak and in the wrong? The good person usually wins. How do you deal with learning things about yourself based on how you handle things and hating yourself even more?

I've only ever met 2 maybe 3 INTJ women in my life. So this is where you've all been hiding... It's hard to meet INTJ's because we all avoid people lol, except maybe a few times a year to get our social need fix. My relatives say I need a vacation, I say my idea of a vacation is being able to be alone for a week with no one bothering me. :D

Teenager INTJ here! Can't really choose my career. What is your opinion about this?

Hello my INTJ sisters!

INTJ teenage girl here!

So, I took the MBTI a few months ago,

Anyway, as much as I have read all of your careers in here, I just can't seem to find out what career I want to take up in the future. All of my friends have specific aspirations about their job, i.e, what they want. I only seem to know what I don't want in a job. I just can't seem to conclude a specific career. I've tried everything (including the MBTI), but nothing ever works. All those "find your job" tests show things like being a mathematician, which I am not looking forward to.

Nobody gives good advice for choosing a career, they just say, 'oh, u are smart, do anything.' That's so annoying. Some ppl keep saying 'you have so much time'. But the thing is, i'm unable to plan ahead due to not knowing my path.

Also, I've tried those journal prompts, where they tell you to write your childhood interests, dreams, skills, likes and dislikes.

I am one of those "learning 1 skill every year", so like I'm not good enough at one thing to be my job. That is a really huge problem for me right now.

I just want to know if any of you have had/have these kinds of thoughts. If so, feel free to share your advice and opinion in detail.