I don't have anything against INTJ girls but I'm wondering if they're just hyper aware of anyone that touches their inner (or former) circle or there's something about me that rubs them the wrong way..?
I visited a conference because of my PhD I'm doing. Even though I was doing fine socializing and building new connections, it always left me emotionally, mentally and physically drained afterwards, like I went straight to sleep after going to my hotel. And even now when I came back home I keep sleeping for 12-13 hours a day (I kid you not) just to charge my batteries back.
Networking is essential if you want to do a PhD and work in academia. But how should I as an introvert (specifically INTJ) be able to do it?
At the conference, I was basically putting up a show for everyone, "masking" so to speak. I was an actor, who was trying to get new connections and it worked. So being shy is not the issue here, I can easily initiate a conversation and even give a short talk at a conference.
So objectively, conferences are very beneficial for me and my work, but subjectively, they feel so draining that I just can't think of doing it again. And I need to overcome this somehow, at least partially, because they are just too good of use to disregard them in the future.
It may be just my point of view, so I won't state it as a fact (so when I say 'you' it's not literally you, but specific INTJs)
Many INTJs have this tendency to have a superiority complex. One that comes with the diminishing of others who do not share their vision (which is quite bizarre considering Ni vision is personal, therefore expecting it is strange). Like, being humble is a possibility, you know? Your vision do not lose value when you're humble. You don't need to pretend you're better while everyone else is a mob mentality coded npc. That sense of entitlement only creates more distance between your vision and reality, as you think you're the pivot point of truth and isolate yourself from external perspectives
Aight so I basically always become the person everyone dumped random problems on. Doesn't matter what company I'm in or what position I'm holding.
At first it felt good. People trusted me. Then one day I looked at my calendar and realized I barely owned anything. My week was just random meetings, "quick questions," fixing other people's messes, and being the only one who remembered how anything worked.
And every time I try to leave a job because of this, I have trouble updating my resume cause I couldn't point to one project that was really mine because I'd spent so much time helping everyone else.
I started wondering if I was actually bad at my job or if I'd just become the office utility player. I ended up taking the career tests like the coached assessment cause I was trying to figure out what kind of work I actually wanted.
Seeing the results lined up with what I'd been frustrated about made me realize I wasn't imagining it. I'd built a career around being useful instead of doing work I actually wanted to own.
After that I started asking one question whenever someone tried to hand me something: "Who's the owner?". It's funny how often people suddenly figure it out when you ask that.
I'm still the person people come to when something's on fire, but I don't automatically adopt every stray problem anymore.
Took me way longer than it should have to realize "being reliable" and "being everyone's backup plan" aren't the same thing.
Right now has been the best time to live in history; Ok well 2016 was, but relatively if you count since the beginning of time right now is still up there;
everyone has the most opportunity we have toilets and amazon, and computers and phones, and refrigerators and airfryers, toilet paper and liquid soap, shampoo and body wash, We have transcended paper and now we send txt msgs.
yes the world has its problems, there's communist hellholes, and there's impoverished communities without clean water or medicine, but there was one point in time where it was literally like that everywhere.
now we also have consistent access to food from everywhere and there used to be a time when cultures were stuck to eating their traditional foods and ppl didnt know what sushi was; imagine being a brit and being stuck just eating fried fish and baked beans lmao
I cannot really walk away from something I know isn’t suited to me but at the back of my mind, this doesn’t switch off even if I choose to walk away, something compels me to return.
This has resulted in a horrible cycle, where I say I want to stop and I leave but I end up coming back and I really don’t know what to do. This is with the guy I’m talking to, we aren’t dating but it has come up before. He feels safe, to someone like who’s gone through narcissistic abuse before. So it feels freeing but I have other concerns. He’s an ENFP-A, so he feels very casual most of the times non intentional even, and it starts triggering my anxiety. That aside, realistically I require a lot of security and it feels like given the kind of person he is, I don’t think we’re compatible. Since there’s a really good chance, if need be he won’t show up for me the way I want or need and then I’ll end up suffering. And I don’t blame him or anything I just realise it quietly and try to end things, like cutting losses early. Initially I was able to act out of my interest, but it felt as if I was limiting myself without even letting it play out. And because he’d say something maybe try to solve or say something, instead of a clean yes/okay I’d feel stirred. Over time, this has become a cycle. And I hate it because I don’t like the fact that what I’m trying to avoid is happening anyways. And I also consider him to not be a part of a dynamic where I leave and come back everytime, it’s not a good thing I’m aware. But each time I return, he just welcomes me or doesn’t really attack me, even if I’m just there to apologise for my behaviour or impulsivity, it somehow becomes “I have returned”. I don’t understand what to do anymore. But I’d like to learn or work on this, if there is something wrong with me.
What differs isfp from intj. I have related to those two tipes but it's very difficult for me to find out
For those of you who have stably developed Fi and operate predominantly Ni Fi Te Se:
Did you adopt this later in life? Was it triggered by some event? Or was it your natural state?
Are you enneagram type 5? If not what is your type?
Do you operate your life highly defensive or protective of your energy?
I feel like i am one step away from losing it and being sent to a looney bin. I’m in a constant state of unbearable stress and existentialism.
It sucks, why do i have to choose to suffer and live in a capitalist hell? Working with blood, sweat and tears to hardly survive!! I don’t want to work and i don’t even want to be alive that badly! But i can’t do anything about it (i have tried a few times but i currently don’t think it’s a valid answer)
What’s the point?
I see why people think religion is essential to keep sane because it gives you a purpose. But i can’t believe, i never truly have. It’s a false sense of hope that all the suffering now will pay off later, which it won’t.
I wish i could believe. I wish i could’ve just led an ignorant life without questioning everything because it is killing me.
With and without religion there is so many unanswered questions. Why does anything exist at all?
I don’t want kids or to get married and live a pious life while staying in my current community. I fall in love with the most unattainable people ever. I just don’t think happiness exists.
How do you cope?
I’m asking here because i know alot of us are non-religious, existential people.
I can get along with intuitives well, but cant’t have a conversation with a sensor for more than an hour because it just gets boring.
Looking for someone who enjoys reading books and exploring interesting. Would be nice to read together and discuss what we’ve read and just have casual, thoughtful conversations.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3SzQvI52-4 Here an comedy example
IMHO: Why should we argue when everyone has their own reality? Arguing is like telling someone "what you see is not true. I am telling you the truth!"
We should share, listen actively and be open to understanding the other person's perspective, simply because we live in parallel realities.
In decision making, we can compromise. If someone is 80 and the other is 10, they can agree on 40 or 50. And this is a metaphor. But we should not argue.
The tension comes only when we try to overlap someone else's reality with our own.
I think many of you have experienced this.
In short its predicting the future accurately, but have no one believing you. And then it comes true.
Id like to hear your stories and thoughts about it.
This is SO SO prevalent amongst young people; we are obsessed with being likeable, dateable, and attractive, no matter our gender. The fact that a woman, man or person likes us means our body, face, and thereby existence is "validated." I felt this pressure to look dateable, be dateable, and lower my standards to find a life partner. Then I realized 2 things:
Most people aren't even aware of how they think, what they want, and what models of beauty, personality, life, and satisfaction they ascribe to
Most people say they want a life partner but then build a fantasy of a person based on their looks, charisma, and mere presence. They try to find their mother, father, and childhood feeling of family in that person. But you are not a child anymore and your partner is not a parent.
In reality it takes years to know if someone is truly your person. You could be compatible with a 1000 people yet only have a match with a select few where both you and the partner are ready to build a sustaining, long-term relationship.
As I walked into my kitchen this morning thinking of how I think I must be "presentable" everywhere to be noticed, found physically attractive and thereby find the right person - my brain instantly replied -"No thanks, I am not going to be stupid anymore just because everyone around me says that is how a life partner is found."
And I am so, so thankful I did. It did not come from a place of looking down on others but rather telling myself "yeah we aren't doing that anymore, grow up"
I imagine many will have differing opinions on this in the comments, which I am good with. You are entitled to your opinions and I to mine; we don't have to match for something to be true. There's no absolute truth anyway.
To conclude, my best-case scenario for finding a life partner is 99% going to be a long-term close friend I have experienced the ups and downs of life with, not a random stranger I like in the mall, street, or the gym.
Quick note: These are all really good books in their way for sure. It's difficult to do a tl/dr here, so if you need that, feel free to skim as I have bolded the book titles below.
(Also: read anything good lately? feel free to share...)
First, some slightly weird things I've found in my reading hobby these days:
so, some examples in the reading list recently:
...in Martial Arts History:
smith analyzes 20th-century martial arts with the standard intj "i spent 40 years studying this niche topic and now i will correct everyone else's poor technique" thing.
(and i wonder - did INTJ Se-style "realism" sensitivity lead to today's MMA-style evangelism in the martial arts? Smith definitely rides those rails in different ways, but very early in the history of MA here in the States)
the book is very thorough, highly opinionated, but also very readable and IMO better in its offerings of little historic vignettes & character sketches than almost any other aspect
smith was also a CIA intelligence officer so that's interesting in its way as well
what i learned / reflected on: intj character sketches can be even inadvertently god-like at times, especially IF the intj can get past the overpowered character-Critic voice and lean into the concrete beauty of the person-as-thing / person-as-particular-force-of-nature approach that Se can offer
...in Middle Ages History:
(note: i'm not catholic and am in fact a formerly-religiously-active person, who used to write a religious apologetics blog, but i was drawn in by the writing - see personality notes above)
walsh responded to the historical narrative that the catholic church hated science and concluded "actually, your data is wrong."
looking at his other works, i would actually lean toward Walsh being intp, but there is a lot of overlap with INTJ style in this text, so much so that i had to wonder if he was raised by, or around, an intj. (if this is disappointing news, please substitute the life and works of the very-INTJ Jean-Jacques Rousseau here...)
it's a detailed, systematic debunking effort driven by that "nah fam" take, showing a classic debater's love for muh-historical-accuracy over mainstream consensus
what i learned / reflected on: as mentioned, from the standpoint of a post-religious INTJ myself, OF COURSE i ended up nearly interpreting this activity as some stoic "you can take the pain, READ IT" torture device for myself at first.
i also immediately noticed i had used some of the same tactics to establish my own apologetic positions, in the past. "skip forward! skip forward!" admitting to a bit of a cringe there personally.
but then i kind of asked, "but what is it about this?" there's some real beauty in the text. so for me it's a reminder that discarding a system as a whole was never really the route i took out of religion in the first place - learning to lean into the details, the nuance, the facets of the experience was a powerful gift. and I will keep reading his stuff. it's nice & comfy to read in a big way.
...in Military Infrastructure History:
howard writes about being a medical officer in the arctic isolation of the distant early warning line.
I admit that I'm a long-time DEW Line fanboy and I keep some old documentaries on the topic to watch when I'm bored. Pretty sure it's some Ni metaphor, that sort of thing.
managing logistical issues and surviving extreme isolation while maintaining clinical efficiency - an intj dream vacation of sorts? it's a cool book in that way.
what i learned / reflected on: he was inventive and had fun while documenting little sketches among the people up there. maybe out of some sliiight envy at not working in that environment (hot summer here instead) - i asked myself - OK so maybe building an app isn't super adventurous, but are there those angles to parts of it? especially with some of the persons involved? maybe so! still thinking about that overlay.
...and a Bonus:
it's been over 20 years since i first read this (fairly famous) book, but i dipped in again, and watched Dan's TedX talk.
the book was originally recommended to me by a very cool therapist, and today i can only wonder, "was this his go-to for INTJ clients???" i mean that therapist was slick. he had manga on the shelves and everything.
while the spiritual "change your life" thing reads a tiny bit more didactic & unipolar-life-order-ish to me these days, at a time when we have so many different models to overlay and every reason to use their strengths together - the core theme is really about a re-awakening. i like that energy.
also in his TedX talk, he did that Se-informed thing where he casually does a handstand on a chair, at age old-as-whatever. AND he had the balls to say "Just do it." OK OK we get it man. haha
what i learned / reflected on: he published a daily routine that he still does every day. I wondered more about my daily routine. it's always been a bit hazy and whim-driven, but it's probably worth another look. Maybe in the name of Si development even.
that's it for me.
how about you? read anything interesting lately, whether the author was INTJ or not?
end thx for reading if you made it this far
TL;DR: I want a mind I can’t put down, not a face that doesn’t move me
Finding a woman attractive is easy for me. Finding one whose mind I can’t put down is almost impossible. Beauty is everywhere. A conversation that actually costs me something is nowhere. This leaves me with a low, constant disappointment, and I’ve started to distrust it. I want to know: is the overlap between “a mind I need” and “someone I’m drawn to” really that rare — or am I the problem? Brutal answers welcome.
I’ve never written this down clearly, so bear with me. I’d honestly rather be told I’m the problem than keep circling this alone.
Who I am. Engineer, heavy physics background — I even published a research paper. I work in a strategic technical role inside critical infrastructure. Outside work I don’t sit still. I swam competitively for 13 years, and I still train seriously toward a long-term endurance goal. I cook at an almost obsessive level. I manage my own investments. I travel alone and I like it that way. And over the years I built my own system of values from scratch instead of inheriting one — part Stoicism, part science, part solitary obsession — and I actually live by it.
Typology, if you care: INTJ, Enneagram 5w4. Very high openness and conscientiousness, low extraversion. The 5 in me collects understanding. The 4 wing means understanding alone is never enough — I need it to mean something.
I say all this not to brag. I say it because I think it’s the cause of my problem, and I want you to have enough to actually break me down instead of comforting me.
The problem. Finding a woman beautiful is almost too easy. I meet someone genuinely striking, and within twenty minutes of talking I feel the thing I dread: nothing. No pull. No idea that surprises me. No question that makes me rethink anything. No sense of a real inner world on the other side of the table. And I’m left with a very specific, quiet disappointment — because the beauty is right there, I can see it perfectly, and it still isn’t enough. Part of me genuinely wishes it were. My life would be so much simpler if a face was enough for me.
What I actually want. A conversation that costs me something. A woman with her own way of thinking who defends it, who makes me feel like I’m the one trying to keep up. When I meet that kind of mind, the attraction is instant and much stronger than any beautiful face. That’s the most attractive thing I know. But I almost never find both the mind and the beauty in the same person.
And here’s the part I’m most afraid of. I’m not sure I even have a clear idea of what love is, separate from attraction plus mental spark. When I try to picture “love” without those two things, I find almost nothing there. So maybe I’m not looking for a partner. Maybe I’m looking for someone who beats me at my own game, and calling it love because that’s the only version I know how to feel. That scares me more than being single.
Now the questions I keep turning on myself, because I don’t trust my own version of the story:
• Is my bar wrong — am I confusing “she shares my exact obsessions” with “she’s intelligent,” and punishing women for not being a mirror of me?
• Am I judging too fast? Twenty minutes of small talk is a terrible test. Maybe I kill the signal before it can even show up, then blame them for the silence.
• Is this just the price of being built for depth and bad at social surface — a me-problem I should quietly own, instead of dressing it up as a search for a “worthy mind”?
• Or is it simply true — is that overlap genuinely rare, and the honest move is to stop pretending and get patient?
I’m not asking how to lower my standards. And please don’t tell me to “just give people a chance,” as if I haven’t. I want the read from people who have lived longer inside this exact wiring:
Does it get better? Did you find the overlap — and if you did, where, and more importantly what did you have to break in yourself first to even recognize it when it showed up? Because I have a feeling the thing standing between me and that woman is not the dating pool. It’s the guy writing this.
Rip it apart.
Every time I take the test I get INTJ but I think I experience emotions and feelings very strongly.
Could I have been mistyped ?
I’m thinking about going to the army for 2 years for va home loan/ healthcare and going through hvac apprenticeship afterwards
Would hvac be a good fit?
(I think probably in ways but I wanted to know bc I took a personality test and I got this personality)