u/sadbat-throwaway

please let me know if this is not an appropriate genre for the sub, not great at music theory personally. have enjoyed quite a few songs from them so far and they don't have a ton of subscribers on YTmusic

This song has been my #1 comfort lately.

Does anyone else get negative reactions when you're talking about something you feel strongly about? I have had people ask me if I'm okay (when I was feeling fine, literally just talking/expressing myself as it comes naturally to me), tell me I'm being too loud, or otherwise looking weirded out but not necessarily saying anything to me about it. Like the other day I was talking to my partner about a specific subculture subreddit that I felt went too far on the gatekeeping - I think gatekeeping is necessary to a degree but I think a lot of people are overly harsh and quick to jump on the opportunity to gatekeep when there are other, reasonable options (especially when it involves kids/teens). And the way I was talking about it made my partner sort of weirded out, they asked me if I was okay after I had finished talking.

Getting these reactions from people makes it really difficult to feel like I should even share my thoughts on anything at all if this is just how it's going to be. It makes me feel like I'll never be able to socialize without completely embarrassing myself and having no idea, then I start looking back at past interactions and wonder how much of it was people just barely tolerating me versus genuinely accepting me for who I am.

I didn't feel particularly intense emotions, I just thought that what I was seeing wasn't fair or appropriate. Sometimes when I see something like that I just need to talk about it a little bit and usually after that I can drop it. I didn't yell or raise my voice (my partner will tell me when I'm being too loud) so I guess it was my facial expressions and tone of voice - which I *thought* were neutral, but I guess not. I'm going to ask my partner about it tomorrow morning (they're in bed for the night) but just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar and if they figured out wtf the problem is, in their case.

I'm really struggling badly with executive dysfunction. My routine is basically no routine - I'm not sure if there's undiagnosed ADHD in the mix or if it's just depression compounding everything else, but I struggle with even basic self-care. I have been working my way up to brushing my teeth 2-3x a day, and flossing at least once a day. It's going okay - better than ever before, but that's also not really saying much. I still sometimes fall into a rut and skip a day or two, and my timing needs to be more consistent (which I also struggle with, because my sleep schedule is very messed up) but I am doing better and mostly brushing and flossing at least once a day.

I struggle to shower because I often don't realize how much time has passed since my last. I started using timers (like on my smart watch) and I would like to get standalone visual timers for stuff like this eventually.

I also have POTS/IST/VVS and chronic back pain so my timing has to be really good for certain tasks - needing to be well hydrated before things like tooth brushing and not being able to comfortably stand for more than a few minutes makes things so tedious and complicated.

I have a difficult time with task initiation, so for example, when I know I need to shower I will start the shower. I'll put on a timer for 10 minutes so that the temperature of the bathroom, the shower itself, the water on the shower floor and the water on my shower chair isn't too cold. Once the timer goes off, I HAVE to get in the shower no matter how much I do not want to.

I follow the common recommendations for teeth brushing (waiting 30 minutes after a sugary or acidic beverage, after food) so I set a timer from the last time I ate or drank something that wasn't water, so I know it's safe to brush. Sometimes while the timer is running I will floss and drink water so that I'm well-hydrated. I floss, scrape my tongue, brush my teeth (sometimes I will skip tongue scraping but I hate skipping it as much as I hate the sensation of actually doing it) and then set another 30 minute timer so that I know when it's safe to eat or drink again (fluoride needs extended contact with teeth).

What are some of your systems for managing important tasks with executive dysfunction, including things that are disturbing sensory experiences? I always feel like I'm stuck in place, like I will think about how much I want/need to do Important Task, and if I do actually accomplish it, it will have been after hours or even days of just thinking about how much I want/need to do it but not being able to initiate and make the transition from not doing it, or doing something else/unrelated, to doing it. If I try but fail to accomplish the task the clock gets reset and depending on what the task is (usually life admin stuff, not hygeine) it could take me months to try again.

It's getting really bad because I can't even have a routine for the basics and I have things of higher order I need to do to improve my life, but I don't think it's possible unless I can work my way up. I feel like I fell into a really deep hole after hitting burnout, but I don't really have a choice. Not functioning is costing me greatly in my personal life, so I need to do something. I need to change some things. I'm in therapy and have been on and off for many years so I can speak to my therapist about maybe making a plan? I guess. I just want input from people who understand the experience.

In college I had constant struggles with executive dysfunction and it landed me on academic probation twice, with a good semester in between the first stint and the second stint. This resulted in me being required to join a mentorship program where your student mentor meets with you 1-3 times a week and gives you 1:1 support on academic/life management, and I always find myself wishing that actually existed outside of that particular context.

I didn't even need a whole lot from my mentor, it was just help prioritizing things, keeping organized, and being held accountable by someone who wasn't an existential threat to me (a boss who can fire you, a parent who can abuse you, a teacher/professor who can fail you, for ex.).

She was also just very kind and encouraging in a way that felt genuine, so it was really well-rounded support. I feel like I'll never have that again and it's not realistic to expect that level of support from anyone who isn't getting paid to do it. But I need that support so freaking badly and I don't know if I can do this by myself.

Sorry this post is all over the place, it's 2 am and I'm having my daily existential crisis over this. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I feel like something really bad is going to happen if I don't figure this out soon, and the pressure itself is paralyzing. It's an unbelievable feedback loop.