Am I the Bad Guy Here?
Hubby (M50) and I (F60) have been married for 22 years. We bought our "forever home" about 10 years ago. I have always had a very good relationship with my in-laws throughout the years. They live in another state, about a 10 hour drive away and consist of my husband's mother and 2 sisters. We visited frequently throughout the years.
About 2 years ago, my SIL called my hubby and told him that her relationship with her long time BF was over. She had nowhere to go.
Hubby tells me this and, of course, I agree that SIL(and her 30 yr old son, and dog, and cat) can come here to stay until she gets back on her feet.
Hubby has to do a slight remodel to our home. He put a wall and door on the family room to turn it into a bedroom so SIL and nephew each have their own rooms. He drives over to help her pack up her stuff and they arrive with her SUV and his truck loaded down with her belongings.
We get them settled in and then I start hearing about what she and her son "need". Nephew is about 6ft tall and 230lbs. He has violent tendencies and anger control issues. I am told that we all need to be very careful not to "set him off". The dog is a rescue and very sweet... to people he knows and he doesn't like small children or strangers. The dog only eats the expensive, refrigerated dog food. The cat didn't seem to have any specific needs aside from the "very best" dry food.
Within the first 2 weeks, she has thrown away some of my cookware, even my cheese grater (because she didn't like the size of the shreds). She did replace them. She rearranged my pantry and my linen closet. My house has only 1 bathroom and the only 2 outlets were taken over by their stuff.
At first, I was all about trying to help them and help her get through her heartbreak. The town I live in has a ton of resources for people in SIL's situation. I try to help her find what she needs to get her life back on track. She doesn't want to hear any of it and shoots down everything I mention.
Hubby works nights and I work days. He is not around her much, as he is either sleeping or headed to work. I work days.
My daily routine turned into me getting up, getting a cup of coffee and heading out to the patio to smoke a cigarette before getting ready for work. As soon as I get to the patio, SIL shows up with a cup of coffee, followed by nephew. She proceeds to tell me how everyone in her life has wronged her. SIL and nephew smoke marijuana.
Come to find out.... SIL had decided that the only way to keep nephew under control is to keep him stoned all the time (fortunately, it's her favorite thing to do, too). I'm talking, at least once an hour, they have to smoke. She complains to me that she can't do it in the house because that's a rule hubby and I made.
Every morning, I get to hear how violent my nephew can be. He has sent his mother to the ER multiple times. He had attacked her BF, also.
I can't use my living room because my nephew just paces behind me and gives me dirty looks and making fists. I end up just hiding in my bedroom and locking the door when I go to bed at night. We can't have friends over. We can't have our grandkids over, because she won't keep the dog away from them (the dog nips, snarls, bites, and lurches at them).
Months go by. My hubby is trying so hard to keep everyone happy. I couldn't bring myself to tell him how I was feeling.
My SIL shoots down everything. I start researching options for her and she won't do any of them. She refuses to live in this place or that. She refuses to apply for this or that. It got to a point where she just sat around all day in her pajamas getting stoned. Although, she started catering to my hubby. Making his favorite dish or desert. It was like she was starting to compete with me. She would tell me how wonderful my husband is and all HE has done for her.
Things came to a head, about 9 months in. I explained to hubby what my life was like on a day to day basis. The fear I had of my nephew. The manipulations by SIL. She tried to tell hubby that I'm horrible and she can't even use the kitchen when I'm home (blatant lie). Up to this point, all she had done around the house to help out, was do the dishes and pick up the dog poop in the back yard. Everything else was on me.
Hubby talks to her and comes up with a few options. The foremost one, for him, was that we buy her a camper for her and she can find a park to put it in. This was a big loan we were willing to take on for her (I don't think we even meet middle-class standards). Nope! She doesn't want that. She decides she want's a conversion van. That way she and her "circle of crazy" can just drive around and just "be".
So, hubby and I go and purchase it for her. She went along in her pajamas. Hubby tells her this is it. We don't have any more money to help her any more. When we get home, she starts making appointments to have all kinds of things done to the van. She can't afford any of it and neither can we.
Hubby goes to work. She mentions all of this stuff she "needs" to get done. I tell her that we can't afford it. She calls hubby and tells him I am kicking her out of the house. He had to leave work and come home. He helped her pack her van, and she left.
Now, she is saying that I made her homeless. She told me that this (my home) was supposed to be her home. Her son has been arrested (and released, pending trial) for beating up some random woman.
I am at a loss. What should I do?
Sorry so long.