u/scorpinono

So, about a month ago our dog of 14 years old died due to old age. The connection with his brain to his back legs failed and the vet wasn't certain it could repair itself. Our Budsy could barely walk anymore, so we decided it was best we put him down.

Losing a beloved pet is always a struggle, but I've noticed my boyfriend has taken it extremely hard. He adopted the dog 9 years ago when he was only a year into college, and the dog was a major part of his journey to becoming an adult. I joined them about 5 years ago, and we have been living together for the last 4, since we both finished uni around the same time and had to move out of our individual student apartments.

We had discussed the passing of the dog before it got to the final moments, as the breed gets about 12-14 yrs, and doggy wasn't doing super great for the last year or so. BF said he was scared of when Budsy would die, as his whole personality was tied to the dog & the only way he could 'charge' after a long day was to cuddle with Budsy.

Now it's been about 5 weeks and I've noticed my boyfriend is doing worse each week. I understand that it takes time to grieve and everyone grieves differently. I was a big wreck the first week and cried daily, but after that period I've been on the up-and-up. Of course I still have moments where it hits hard (like writing this post), but overall I'm okay with our decision and I have made peace with it.
I finally confronted BF after he started another fight with me about gardening and asked what the hell was going on with him, as he had been super moody for the last two weeks and I could barely speak to him without him cutting everything off and just wanting to watch TikToks on his phone.

He opened up that he has been extremely unhappy and doesn't want to exist anymore. He is overwhelmed by life and doesn't feel like he has a place where he fits in. He can barely get out of bed anymore, but he does he because he has to work and he needs money. He wants to cry everyday and he has a very hard time pretending to be happy at work (he works in hospitality so he can't really be sad in front of customers).

I've told him that he should talk to his manager to get sick leave so he can grieve, as it seems he needs more time. He said his manager probably wouldn't let him as "It was just a dog". I also suggested that it might be wise to talk to a therapist, as the "I don't want to exist anymore and I don't know how to charge my mental battery" sounds like depression, which I can't help with. He said he didn't want to go to the doctor and he doesn't know when he'll have time. When I suggested he'd take the weekend to sit on the couch and bawl his eyes out he immediately turned me down, stating that he is afraid that if he does that he'll never stop crying and his life would be over.

I want to be there for him but to me it's obvious he is repressing his feelings which is causing the issues and unhappiness he is feeling. It does frustrate me that all the possible solutions I've offered are being turned down immediately.

I'm trying to relieve some of the stress he's feeling by taking up pretty much all household tasks: I do groceries, cook, clean, do laundry, manage household finances & am currently helping out with keeping track of his calendar, so his mental brainpower can be spent on work and hobbies.

I've also talked to him about picking up his old hobbies: He used to read & draw regularly, but he said he can't because his mind always wanders back to the dog. We also talked about how he is slowly giving himself a phone addiction, but in his words it's the only thing that quiets his brain. I also told him this standard of stimuli might be the reason why he can't read a book anymore and he agrees, but the thoughts right now are too much to deal with.

It's also a struggle that he hates being home right now. Home alone is an even bigger issue, but I'm trying to mitigate that as well by aligning our schedules a bit so he doesn't spend too much time alone. When I asked if he wanted to be out of the house more then he also said no, as he's tired of pretending to be fine in public. So I also don't know what to do with any of that either.

TLDR: Our dog died and my BF is majorly depressed because of it, but won't seek help.

Any tips on how I can help him would be really appreciated, as I'm slowly running out of options to accommodate him.

In my opinion he should cry until you run out of tears, which is what I did, but I'm adult enough to understand it doesn't work that way.

2 sidenotes:
\- We are based in the Netherlands so in theory he can call in sick if he needs to grieve without losing income.
\- This is the first major loss he has experienced in his life. No one in his close family has died up to now. I have lost both grandparents on both sides, with the most recent loss being last year on my end.

Thanks all and I wish you well.