u/seeshellovesthesea

I spent the last 30 years with a man who thought romance was a movie category. I take full responsibility for waiting around so long and accepting the bare minimum (grocery store flowers would have made my day) but I am so romance starved it's kinda pathetic. I read threads on here and the horror stores from dating apps gives me the shivers. I am kinda sad to see that my experience is not so unique. Is it something we ladies ought to stop wishing for? Is it unreasonable? I've been told it's a silly childish Disney fantasy to hope for and that bums me out. What's the consensus? Is romance something we can only look for in the movies?

I am now divorced 46F I gave my life away to my ex who was abusive and my son and my daughter who are also on the autism spectrum. My life has been one challenge after another. I know that my kids can't help the way they are and I am not bitter about their challenges, but I know that it was really hard to be the one person on the outside. I worked so hard. I got my master's degree working full time and being a single married mother and I feel like I erased who I was so that I could be his wife and their mother and now I have nothing left. We separated 2 years ago because I couldn't take it anymore and then I was so alone and so afraid I went crawling back and then a year and a half into our reconciliation he had a heart attack and I saved his life. The paramedics told me were it not for my actions he would have died and within 6 months after that he said that having his life given back to him meant that he wanted to go in a different direction and he threw me away. Now I feel so alone. I'm so sad. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I want to move forward but I feel lost and alone. My career is in the gutter. I'm living with my mother with no savings and no future and life seems to have lost all meaning. My adult children still need my support and my help and I don't know how to show up for them when I cannot even take care of myself. Why did I give my identity away to someone who didn't care what happened to me? I hate it here..