u/shadymattel

does this happen to anyone else? i feel like im just existing neutrally and people will always ask me if im okay or if im sad. i guess i appreciate the concern, but nothing is wrong, and i dont know how to respond to this normally because its just my face and/or im just thinking about something. im autistic and have a bit more of an inward/serious demeanor and im always thinking so maybe thats it. but does this happen to anyone else and does it annoy you too?? and what can i say/do to make this stop

This will be long. Sorry in advance. To preface- I (f23) have been with my gf (f24) for four years, all entirely long distance, we met online almost six years ago, and had a ton in common, and we were just drawn to each other.

The beginning of our relationship was really rocky. She was always super avoidant with me and i should have left her alone back then, but i would always stick around and beg and was just miserable waiting for another fight to start and it was like that for longer than I’m proud to admit staying for. 

Over time, our relationship actually got really good despite the rocky start. Our communication got a lot better, fights were infrequent, we got through a lot of relationship anxiety together. Honestly, no one has ever really gotten me like she does and I fear no one will ever again.

She’s always been really accepting of my odd and intense interests and info dumping and a lot of my traits due to being neurodivergent (she is too, that is important to note and may affect how you see her actions going forward). She listens and really knows what I like and remembers a lot of little things for me that no one else would. We are really compatible in most ways when it comes to wants for the future, as well as we are each other’s type and sexually compatible. We also have really good conversations, we agree on most things, and when things are good, they are really, really good. 

Some people may point out that the distance is an issue, but up to now, and for my needs and personality, it’s been fine, comfortable even. Maybe too comfortable, but I’ll get into that.

This is the longest relationship I’ve been in, in comparison, my second longest relationship was a girl I dated in high school for like eight months lol. I have a hard time in relationships. I get excited about the idea of someone, and then I get bored and feel done after a few months. I know that’s bad, but this never felt like that. I genuinely have thought that this is the person I want to marry and have kids with, and that is not something I take lightly. In fact, if you would have asked me two weeks ago if I thought we’d break up ever much less now, I’d laugh. 

However, some events have transpired in the last few weeks that have me rethinking everything, and i don’t know if this is me making the worst of things and just picking out the small bad things out of all the good or if I’ve been seeing things through rose colored lenses for too long.

Basically, call me a bitch, but the straw that broke the camel’s back a little over a week ago is that she got too high, never told me she was, and still answered the phone. The phone cut out for some reason and she started frantically asking me questions like i hung up on purpose. Again, I didn’t know she was high so I was like ??? Are you okay?? Trying to explain that the phone cut out. Eventually she told me she was super high, and I hung up. I don’t care that she smokes really, but her not telling me and acting like that made me really uncomfortable, like I wish she would have just told me it wasn’t a great idea to talk because of the state she was in. It was a small thing in the scheme of things, but it made me think a lot about past events.

Mainly, she can be painfully immature and childish.

It’s like, a lot of the time when she does something dumb, she blames every circumstance in the book besides that she just did something dumb and owns her actions. it always reminds me of a teenage boy or something. Like never telling me she’s sorry for making me uncomfortable, just blaming absolutely everything that happens on circumstances on her family or fighting demons in her head or whatever… just anything but owning up to the fact that she was mean or made a bad choice or was immature. It’s never a reason, it’s always an excuse, and that makes me feel like it’s hard to get anywhere with communication or solving anything when nothing is ever your fault.

This is where my own issue comes in. Sometimes because of the way she handles things, and how immature her reactions can be, and how they always seem to come out or project onto me, I have a hard time sympathizing with her actions or thought patterns that bring her there. She constantly plays the blame game, and catastrophizes every little event to the point that it’s impossible to reason with her, or even extend sympathy and be there, because she shuts it down or won’t accept it, but yet still blames me for not being there enough.

Another thing that’s always bothered me is that in the beginning of our relationship, I didn’t know for sure I was a lesbian and had talked to and hung out with a couple guys. (edit: this occurred before our relationship not during i just want to make that clear i never saw anyone else While with her) Nothing intimate, even though that shouldn’t actually matter if I did tbh. Yet, she’s held it in contempt over my head for years. At one point in a previous relationship, ik she was cheated on with a man, and she’s had this extreme fear of that happening again. I’m a lesbian and confident in that now, but if I even bring up a man, like literally that I talked to a male friend or coworker abt something arbitrary, her entire demeanor shifts unless I say the guy was gay or something, because she just assumes that I’m gonna fuck the dude or that he wants me even though ik my sexuality and it’s just lightheartedly talking about a friendly interaction. 

It’s like this weird ownership she seems to have over my sexuality and presentation as a femme that makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time.

It doesn’t help that my libido has been super low lately, and I haven’t been wanting to send any pics, or do any sexy talk because I can’t even think about sex. For one thing, I feel awful about myself, and I’ve gained weight over the last few years, ik she likes bigger girls, and I’ve never been skinny, but i can barely look in a mirror much less think about that stuff. It really doesn’t even sound good to me right now, not personal against her at all. She tries to initiate stuff, and I feel like I have to say stop to her (though silly) dirty jokes or innuendos like a million times before she gets the hint that I really don’t want it. It’s probably my fault that the boundaries aren’t there, there was a long time where sexting and nudes and videos and stuff were constant, and my libido was insanely high. I guess I set up that expectation, but I can’t deliver on it and I feel bad because she has expressed disappointment, but no matter what I do I don’t feel interested. Sometimes it seems like it’s all she cares about or sees as an issue in our relationship and that hurts a little.

Another issue I have is because I was so heavily mistreated in the beginning of things, I have become a little cold towards her when she wants sympathy because there was a time she walked all over my feelings without a care in the world, so I think some part of me still internalizes that.

Back to the distance, this is a ME issue, I’m in the wrong here, or some version of that. Every time she brings up meeting irl, I change the subject. I don’t know fully why. The thought of closing the gap scares me in a lot of ways even though I’m craving a “regular” relationship right now, and I don’t know how to get over that. Maybe it’s fear that I’m with the wrong person or introducing her to my family and my life just to find out that way that it’s not right. Maybe it’s wondering if the immaturity will be more glaring that way, maybe it’s worry that this won’t be something I can just pull the plug on or it won’t be what I thought. Either way, especially over the last few months, the thought of that has only made me push her away a little bit. 

My life and my outlook have changed a lot in the last few months even. I finally left my toxic job I hated and have been working at my new job with much better hours and people and environment, I’m doing really well in school right now, I’m close to finishing my degree, I’m sleeping better, I talk to my friends more again, I don’t just spend all day depressed in bed like before. I’m doing well, or at least I’m happier than I was, and I’m actually planning for the future now and can see myself with a real life again. I find myself craving a “normal” adult relationship.

To be clear, I’m not interested in anyone else so there’s nothing like that clouding my judgement. But I do crave a mature partner I can grow with who I can trust as a life partner and eventually could raise kids with me which I take extremely seriously and I would never allow anyone I didn’t fully trust into that with me because as much as I want it id never bring anyone into this world with a parent that couldn’t handle it, and I’m starting to fear that she is just not catching up with me the way I need right now, like our maturity was super even for a long time, and now it seems like I’m feeling more confident in adulthood while she is still a bit childish in a lot of ways. not that I think I’m the most mature person ever, I have a LOT to work on and im far from perfect, but I feel like I’m growing into myself and I’m scared I’m outgrowing her in a way that no longer feels cute or funny or minuscule. Her forgetfulness, her lack of thought, her outlook on things, the blaming, extremely black and white thinking all concerns me.

I do want to try to talk things through, I told her I needed some time so we haven’t talked in a few days. I just fear that the reaction is going to be very black and white and a self pity party like it usually is when something like this happens and no effective conversation will be had. I’m also afraid that she’s fixated on me not talking to her and not why I feel this way (yes, she knows all the reasons listed)

Truthfully I’m torn in half about this. On one hand, I feel like maybe it’s right to end things, but on the other, I do love her a lot. She knows me so well and I love talking to her and she can be literally the best, sweetest person ever and I really, genuinely love her as frustrated as I may be. And I don’t want to jump to conclusions if things could be helped or if I’m overreacting to things. I’m thinking maybe it’s just that we need to work on communication and voicing our needs and maybe just have fun again, like playing games again and not just going through the motions every day, but Im also scared that’s not enough and maybe I’m holding onto this because I don’t believe anyone else could understand me like this. 

Im sorry if this is too long or poorly written, this is really just a stream of consciousness but if anyone has ANY advice or takeaway, please share, I need someone who is totally outside of this to give me their two cents because my judgement is so clouded for obvious reasons.