u/sharpedobluff

A few months ago the engine light came on, 'anti-pollution fault'. Took it to the garage, they said it needed new glow plugs and a new MAF sensor. I replaced 3 out of 4 glow plugs (can't reach the last one lol) and replaced the MAF sensor, the engine light went away.

Fast forward to last week, the car failed its MOT due to emissions twice as high as they should be. No engine or DPF light, so I was told to clean out carbon from the tailpipe. I did that, put diesel system cleaner and a DPF cleaner in the tank for good measure, then drove a couple of ~70 mile trips to get the car up to temp and let the cleaners start to work.

The car then failed its MOT again with no improvement at all on the emissions.

The garage doesn't know what could be wrong with it and recommended I go to a DPF cleaner nearby, but I'm skeptical given the lack of DPF light and really don't want to pay for a service that won't help.

Any ideas what it could be? Should I go to the DPF cleaner? Thanks in advance!

Edit: have really given the car a good drive on low gears/high speeds now and seen no improvements. Particle filter load is reading as 0, additive in particulate filter is also 0. No DPF light. I've only had the car a few months and wondering if it's been remapped?

I see pretty often people making excuses for pwBPD doing genuinely horrible things, because they can't control their splits. While there's a degree of truth that they can't control their emotions, their agency remains intact. Their actions are their own, even during a split.

There are plenty of disorders characterised by strong emotions, and there are also plenty of conditions involving some sort of loss of control. As an autistic person I experience both of these, but I also remain completely responsible and accountable for my actions. For example:

**Strong emotions:** I have a lot of sensory sensitivities, and I truly cannot stand being around most young children or dogs (it's a sound & pitch thing). I know it's not their fault, but I still get very angry very quickly when things are too loud. And when I say angry, I don't just mean irritated, I'm talking irrational and extreme. I am aware that taking out my anger on them is completely unacceptable, so I either put headphones on or leave, and until then I treat them with just as much respect as I would anyone else. I am able to do this even when it means swallowing my anger, because deliberate cruelty violates my morals. Even in the moment, I know that I am responsible for regulating myself instead of making it their problem.

**Loss of control:** When I become overwhelmed by a situation, I will try to escape it. If someone actively prevents me from escaping, I might have a meltdown – this is a temporary loss of control over my behaviour. While my meltdowns are extremely rare and comparatively mild, I have screamed, thrown things and behaved recklessly. The very first thing I do when I've recovered is apologise to anyone involved, and thereafter I do everything I can to prevent it happening again. There's a reason my meltdowns are so rare these days, and only happen when someone deliberately prevents me from leaving. I've done the work to recognise the signs that one is coming, and I know what to do to mitigate its risk. Again, my morals lead me to reflect and work on myself so that I do not hurt other people unnecessarily.

Your pwBPD also has this knowledge. They are fully responsible for their actions, no matter how they felt in the moment. They are fully capable of holding onto morality during a split. They are fully capable of working to reduce their splits, and mitigate the damage they can cause. If your pwBPD is repeatedly making the choice to hurt you, it's not because they can't help it, it's because they don't care enough not to.

If a person is genuinely that frequently not in control of their actions, it should raise concerns for their ability to live independently and consent to a relationship in the first place. You don't let a narcoleptic drive just because it's not their fault that they fall asleep at the wheel.

The diagnosis doesn't change anything. There is no excuse for abuse, ever.

I physically cannot use a urinal (medical reasons) so I do need the cubicle, and I'm so fed up of walking into one just to find myself stood directly behind someone mid-stream. It's ridiculously common at least here in the UK and I genuinely can't understand why so many guys do this.

Do you want the privacy or not!? Lock the damn door!!!

Edit: I see now the error of my ways was expecting men to not be gross and inconsiderate for one single second 🤦

I'd love to be able to befriend some local crows and I've read feeding guides, but due to medical reasons I know that I can't commit to doing so daily or consistently. I don't want to do anything that would hurt them. Is it acceptable to occasionally stop by my local murder with appropriate food, or is it better in my case to just admire from afar?

Edit: Saw this was getting a lot of views, so just in case you're wondering the same thing... Sounds like it's perfectly fine to be inconsistent!

You guys have seriously made my week. I should have asked this years ago.

If you keep being drawn back into the relationship because you feel responsible for their recovery, want to save them from themselves or you think you can motivate them to change for the better, please know that you are not helping your partner or yourself by doing so. You have a saviour complex, likely born out of unresolved trauma, and it's a sign that your own self worth is in desperate need of your attention.

Some reasons why the drive to fix your partner is harmful to both of you:

1. Mental healing is not sustainable if it isn't self-motivated. Any changes motivated out of love for you instead of genuine self-improvement can easily vanish the second a split occurs.

2. If your concern for their wellbeing leads you to protect them from the consequences of their own actions (ie, you're staying with someone who makes you miserable because leaving would upset them), they will never learn or grow from the way they've treated you.

3. The desire to 'fix' your partners, especially when they are repeatedly mistreating you, is usually a projection of your own insecurities/unmet needs, and you cannot meet those needs by projecting them on someone else. Maybe deep down you believe that through helping them, you'll prove your own value. Maybe you want to feel special, to be indispensable, to be the one that made them change for good. Maybe you want proof that someone could love you enough to move mountains for you. In chasing these desires, you're putting so much energy into the idea of external validation that your ability to affirm your worth on your own atrophies. Ultimately your energy is being misdirected, and all it does is harm you further.

4. You do not accept them as they currently are. If you're relying on the hope that someone will change, or trying to mould them into a better version of themselves, then you do not love them as they are now. You are in love with a fantasy that your partner may never manage to or even *want* to satisfy.

5. The second they're gone, regardless of the circumstances, all that self worth that you built up with your partner as its foundation will collapse and you'll be right back at square one again.

So if you're at the point where you've repeatedly asked for better treatment and nothing's coming of it, if you're consistently neglecting yourself for their sake, if you're endlessly drawn to the idea of who they *could* be if things improved, it's worth asking yourself if you can be happy in your relationship if nothing ever changes. If the answer is no then it's time to leave, for both your sake and theirs.

TL;DR You cannot love someone's mental illness away. The drive to save someone from themselves is an indication that you need to save yourself instead.

Sorry if this isn't allowed, I'm just confused and a bit upset as they've completely prevented me from even being able to talk to them about it. I got banned, asked the mod why I'd been banned, and they said this reddit was an ableist hate group. I said it was for victims of a specific pattern of abuse, and in response they blocked me from messaging them at all.

I was a bit surprised by this since the other Reddit is for victims of polyamorous abuse, I thought they'd understand the nuance? I feel like I've been cut off from support for half of the dynamic of my abuse. Don't really know what I'm asking for here other than not to be immediately cut off.

Edit: Just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone, it's genuinely been so helpful hearing all your perspectives. This sub helped me through one of the worst experiences of my life and I'm proud to be a part of it, even if that gets me banned elsewhere. Based on several other people's experiences I'm starting to think I dodged a bullet 💀