u/sheepshankred013

Hi all. I'm embarrassed and grieving and frankly need to know if I'm crazy. I'm going through a divorce and I'm f***ing struggling. My wife/partner of 8 years (3 years married) shows covert narcissistic and grandiose traits which led to me walking away, in conjunction with my step daughter who was highly manipulative and fed into her mothers blind loyalty. It sucks as I love her and her kids but... it was destroying me. I was a husband and I'm just distressed...

(I am in therapy and have been for years to work on childhood trauma, actually going to try a Jung focused therapist since I moved)

The straw that broke the camel's back was her lying to me about a miscarriage. There is a lead up to this so give me a chance. I ended having a vasectomy. I didn't want kids (or was on the fence) and my wife was older and she kind of laid into me about health reasons for her leading up to the vasectomy. To the point of no intimacy or extreme guilt. I said okay because I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize her health and wanted her back. There was one point when we had a serious conversation about kids because we had some moments where I was on the fence, we watched her nephew and niece a bunch when they were toddlers and we felt like a team in a way we aren't with her kids (even though one of them called me dad sometimes and they would introduce me as dad/stepdad to friends, etc). The conversation went to the effect of she didn't want more but... if I wanted them she would have them with me. After my moments of being on he fence because I had never seen her so happy and I never felt so connected with her. I ended up agreeing with her wanting a vasectomy because she had been pushing her health concerns and frankly i didn't want what felt like a temporary feeling to grow into her straight up resenting me. I go on to have the vasectomy, she is over the moon and seems to love me or be emotionally connected again. Some months later we're having dinner with a friend and they start talking about trying for a kid and drops that they had a very early miscarriage (IDK the term). My stbx wife drops that she had one to the point she thought we were going to have a kid and acted like it was nothing. This was THE first time I heard this but she then tried to convince me that we had a conversation about it and it wasn't a big deal... I was devastated. I drop it and step away. Later that night I try to talk to her about it and she lays into me about how we talked about it. I know we didn't and she had been trying to convince me of things not happening more and more. I eventually go on to push her on it and she admits that she hid to from me for a long time and she kept pushing off telling me until it snowballed for 6 months to a year (the worst part is I don't even know). Coincidentally after I had my vasectomy. In retrospect I think I know when it happened and she openly lied to me about how what was happening was nothing, but I didn't have any reason to push the issue. So much was going with the kids and problems we were having with her daughter. on I had never had any time to process it. To add insult to injury I had stepped away from my budding marketing career so she could take a huge promotion that required immense travel to the point of being gone for 1/4 to 1/2 the month for 6 months straight.

I'm distressed because I didn't get to grieve with her. I feel shame because I was made to feel like she couldn't tell me when I've been nothing but supportive. I'm truly distraught that she convinced me to get the procedure without the conversation. I feel lied to and violated. (I believe in body autonomy and am pro choice and was before this) We ended up in couples counseling over a variety of things but came to a head when 90% of what we were talking about was turned into "What does it even matter" and no compromise... I didn't even realize that she lied about all this stuff to get me to have the vasectomy and until I walked it didn't sink in. I never realized my heart knew and that my brain refused to process it,

I feel like a crazy person and just betrayed. I know the procedure is reversible but there is also a 10 year success time frame it seems like. How do I ever trust someone like that again? I just feel f***ed emotionally. I feel cheated out of being a father..

I'm absolutely blessed to have my friends and sister helping me emotionally recover but I am just in shock of about the "what does it even matter" of the situation... The worst part is my brain is trying to convince me she could want to work on herself but my heart is just broken and knows there is no way back home.

I hope you all are okay and recovering.

Hi all. I'm embarrassed and grieving and frankly just need to vent. I'm going through a divorce and I'm f***ing struggling. My wife/partner of 8 years (3 years married) shows covert narcissistic and grandiose traits which led to me walking away, in conjunction with my step daughter who was highly manipulative and fed into her mothers blind loyalty. It sucks as I love her and her kids but... it was destroying me. I was a husband and I'm just distressed...

The straw that broke the camel's back was her lying to me about a miscarriage. There is a lead up to this so give me a chance. I ended having a vasectomy. I didn't want kids (or was on the fence) and my wife was older and she kind of laid into me about health reasons for her leading up to the vasectomy. To the point of no intimacy or extreme guilt. I said okay because I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize her health and wanted her back. There was one point when we had a serious conversation about kids because we had some moments where I was on the fence, we watched her nephew and niece a bunch when they were toddlers and we felt like a team in a way we aren't with her kids (even though one of them called me dad sometimes and they would introduce me as dad/stepdad to friends, etc). The conversation went to the effect of she didn't want more but... if I wanted them she would have them with me. After my moments of being on he fence because I had never seen her so happy and I never felt so connected with her. I ended up agreeing with her wanting a vasectomy because she had been pushing her health concerns and frankly i didn't want what felt like a temporary feeling to grow into her straight up resenting me. I go on to have the vasectomy, she is over the moon and seems to love me or be emotionally connected again. Some months later we're having dinner with a friend and they start talking about trying for a kid and drops that they had a very early miscarriage (IDK the term). My stbx wife drops that she had one to the point she thought we were going to have a kid and acted like it was nothing. This was THE first time I heard this but she then tried to convince me that we had a conversation about it and it wasn't a big deal... I was devastated. I drop it and step away. Later that night I try to talk to her about it and she lays into me about how we talked about it. I know we didn't and she had been trying to convince me of things not happening more and more. I eventually go on to push her on it and she admits that she hid to from me for a long time and she kept pushing off telling me until it snowballed for 6 months to a year (the worst part is I don't even know). Coincidentally after I had my vasectomy. In retrospect I think I know when it happened and she openly lied to me about how what was happening was nothing, but I didn't have any reason to push the issue. So much was going with the kids and problems we were having with her daughter. on I had never had any time to process it. To add insult to injury I had stepped away from my budding marketing career so she could take a huge promotion that required immense travel to the point of being gone for 1/4 to 1/2 the month for 6 months straight.

I'm distressed because I didn't get to grieve with her. I feel shame because I was made to feel like she couldn't tell me when I've been nothing but supportive. I'm truly distraught that she convinced me to get the procedure without the conversation. I feel lied to and violated. (I believe in body autonomy and am pro choice and was before this) We ended up in couples counseling over a variety of things but came to a head when 90% of what we were talking about was turned into "What does it even matter" and no compromise... I didn't even realize that she lied about all this stuff to get me to have the vasectomy and until I walked it didn't sink in. I never realized my heart knew and that my brain refused to process it,

I feel like a crazy person and just betrayed. I know the procedure is reversible but there is also a 10 year success time frame it seems like. How do I ever trust someone like that again? I just feel f***ed emotionally. I feel cheated out of being a father..

I'm absolutely blessed to have my friends and sister helping me emotionally recover but I am just in shock of about the "what does it even matter" of the situation... The worst part is my brain is trying to convince me she could want to work on herself but my heart is just broken and knows there is no way back home.

I hope you all are okay and recovering.

Hi all. I'm embarrassed and grieving and frankly just need to vent. I'm going through a divorce and I'm f***ing struggling. My wife/partner of 8 years (3 years married) shows covert narcissistic and grandiose traits which led to me walking away, in conjunction with my step daughter who was highly manipulative and fed into her mothers blind loyalty. It sucks as I love her and her kids but... it was destroying me. I was a husband and I'm just distressed...

The straw that broke the camel's back was her lying to me about a miscarriage. There is a lead up to this so give me a chance. I ended having a vasectomy. I didn't want kids (or was on the fence) and my wife was older and she kind of laid into me about health reasons for her leading up to the vasectomy. To the point of no intimacy or extreme guilt. I said okay because I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize her health and wanted her back. There was one point when we had a serious conversation about kids because we had some moments where I was on the fence, we watched her nephew and niece a bunch when they were toddlers and we felt like a team in a way we aren't with her kids (even though one of them called me dad sometimes and they would introduce me as dad/stepdad to friends, etc). The conversation went to the effect of she didn't want more but... if I wanted them she would have them with me. After my moments of being on he fence because I had never seen her so happy and I never felt so connected with her. I ended up agreeing with her wanting a vasectomy because she had been pushing her health concerns and frankly i didn't want what felt like a temporary feeling to grow into her straight up resenting me. I go on to have the vasectomy, she is over the moon and seems to love me or be emotionally connected again. Some months later we're having dinner with a friend and they start talking about trying for a kid and drops that they had a very early miscarriage (IDK the term). My stbx wife drops that she had one to the point she thought we were going to have a kid and acted like it was nothing. This was THE first time I heard this but she then tried to convince me that we had a conversation about it and it wasn't a big deal... I was devastated. I drop it and step away. Later that night I try to talk to her about it and she lays into me about how we talked about it. I know we didn't and she had been trying to convince me of things not happening more and more. I eventually go on to push her on it and she admits that she hid to from me for a long time and she kept pushing off telling me until it snowballed for 6 months to a year (the worst part is I don't even know). Coincidentally after I had my vasectomy. In retrospect I think I know when it happened and she openly lied to me about how what was happening was nothing, but I didn't have any reason to push the issue. So much was going with the kids and problems we were having with her daughter. on I had never had any time to process it. To add insult to injury I had stepped away from my budding marketing career so she could take a huge promotion that required immense travel to the point of being gone for 1/4 to 1/2 the month for 6 months straight.

I'm distressed because I didn't get to grieve with her. I feel shame because I was made to feel like she couldn't tell me when I've been nothing but supportive. I'm truly distraught that she convinced me to get the procedure without the conversation. I feel lied to and violated. (I believe in body autonomy and am pro choice and was before this) We ended up in couples counseling over a variety of things but came to a head when 90% of what we were talking about was turned into "What does it even matter" and no compromise... I didn't even realize that she lied about all this stuff to get me to have the vasectomy and until I walked it didn't sink in. I never realized my heart knew and that my brain refused to process it,

I feel like a crazy person and just betrayed. I know the procedure is reversible but there is also a 10 year success time frame it seems like. How do I ever trust someone like that again? I just feel f***ed emotionally. I feel cheated out of being a father..

I'm absolutely blessed to have my friends and sister helping me emotionally recover but I am just in shock of about the "what does it even matter" of the situation... The worst part is my brain is trying to convince me she could want to work on herself but my heart is just broken and knows there is no way back home.

I hope you all are okay and recovering.