u/shrimpchase

The village of Stepanchikovo

Convenience Store Woman

Hunger

The Metamorphosis

The Trial

Crime and Punishment

School Girl

No Longer Human

Sadako and the thousand paper cranes

White Nights

Tell Tale Heart

The Masque of the Red Death

TW: mentions if s*icide

I feel like I could cry right now. I was calm din vori ani bihana samma ni thikai thiyo. Bihana I talked to a friend about an incident that recently happened that fucked me up really badly, and also told him how my suicidal ideations have become really bad recently.

The thing is that whenever I get such thoughts I'm pretty calm, like brain fog has eaten even my feelings away. But aja my hands are shaking and it feels like my impulse control itself has broken down. I'm panicking somewhat because this hasn't happened with me paila. Been battling depression for a long time and I was getting better tara yesto vako thiyena. Yei type garna ni it took me like 20 minutes calm down hudai alikati lekhdai gareko.

Does any of you have gone through this? If yes how do you calm down? Please don't give me toll free hotlines ma ali bolna mileko xaina if you comment your experience I'll be more than thankful

sometimes i just stare at your face

the wrinkles

being a proof of the time we spent

the little crinkle on your lips

showing happiness

the blue of your irises

my most treasured gems

the curve of your cheeks

.

my lovely madame

sometimes i take your hands in mine

place a kiss on the back of it

use it to hold my cheeks

take in the earthen smell of pottery

feel the roughened tips against my lips

place your palm against my heartbeat

.

our orchard is full again

did you extract the oil?

a coconut fell on my head

our hamster birthed five

listen in, please

oh my fair madame

the jester fell on his butt again

the king rejoiced

>

Sorry if you've read it before. Arkai account bata post garey hola I found it in my old drafts

It was a morning like any other day. The same curiosities, the same songs and the never ending fog. After putting on my gown and shawl, I followed the voice of my husband and the postman speaking in a heavy tone.

My husband addressed me after he sensed my presence, with a glum look on his otherwise optimistic face. "Maria, our son, he...", he couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence and swallowed the lump in his throat. Now that I look back, it must have felt like swallowing needles.

I don't recall what happened the rest of the day. But I remember how the fog was harder to take in. Me with my three kids huddling in the remembrance of someone, someone that should have been important to me, but also someone I cannot bear to remember right now— a smudge in my memory.

Kreatos City 1949, June 11

Carla had a great night with her friends. When she came back with a visible flush with wine smelling on her clothes and steps lighter than usual, I could not bring myself to question her deeply, for it was the first time in a while she enjoyed herself after moving cities. Cinema, dresses, ballet. Our girl was learning new things.

The fish bowl the youngest had bought was full of algae again. She was becoming a convenient daughter and less of a selfless person.

I slept better than usual. The next day I made lace for her, shoulders cracking after I forgot the passing of time. When she came back from her school, she had a drier response than usual. I fear, I fear even to this date if I should have spoken better with her.

To be continued....

---

I want to achieve the narration style of The curious case of Benjamin Button. Haunting, slow, deliberate. Do recommend books if you know any hehe

You come to me like autumn leaves

Brown and soft, warm and mournful

Crunching with each footsteps

Pressing me softly with your sweetness

Your tongue traces me till I'm blue and breathless

And my love isn't green anymore

Tickling, caressing, your fingertips search for mine

And my love isn't green anymore

You come to me like autumn leaves

Brown and soft, warm and mournful

Crunching with each footsteps

Pressing me softly with your sweetness

Your tongue traces me till I'm blue and breathless

And my love isn't green anymore

Tickling, caressing, your fingertips search for mine

And my love isn't green anymore

i don't remember reasons

i only remember words

bitter, cold, afternoon snow

feelings all lost, we've never been worse

wanton desires, that warmth of yours

i forget what your smile looks like

stupidly big, this argument of ours

i'm starting to lose my memories

travelling long just to see you

sinking down just to feel you

the roots of your hair, the fingertips of mine

our heat tangled in one

i've bled on you, i've cried on you

its alright at the end of the day

the caterpillar ate the fruit

its alright at the end of the day

^(i don't remember reasons)

^(i only remember words)

^(bitter, cold, afternoon snow)

^(feelings all lost, we've never been worse)

^(wanton desires, that warmth of yours)

^(i forget what your smile looks like)

^(stupidly big, this argument of ours)

^(i'm starting to lose my memories)

^(travelling long just to see you)

^(sinking down just to feel you)

^(the roots of your hair, the fingertips of mine)

^(our heat tangled in one)

^(i've bled on you, i've cried on you)

^(its alright at the end of the day)

^(the caterpillar ate the fruit)

^(its alright at the end of the day)

Strangely enough what I'm mad about is not that he assaulted me, or kept in a trauma bond because of his anger issues. I'm mad because he left me the moment I became an inconvenience. He had violated my boundaries multiple times and got offended when I finally slapped him for disrespecting me.

I wonder if I have become numb or it's my self respect hitting rock bottom. I had even begged him to stay till I "lost feelings". He had the guts to say he "liked talking" with me.

Our first sex was in the woods. We got lost while searching for a viewpoint and settled to a shaded corner to rest for a while. We kissed. I was wearing a dress so he could push his hands above with ease.

He was persistent about many things. First to see the colour of my underwear, then push his hands inside, then penetrate me without any protection. I denied for every single activity. But he kept on asking and was already all over me. And I didn't want to dissatisfy the person who could take me out of the unknown place we had ended up in. He kept on moving even when I said it hurt and to take it out.

He tried to act like it didn't count because it wasn't properly done. Then asked me if we could do it again. I requested for a few normal dates to get to know each other. And I didn't feel safe after doing in such a risky location.

So we went to a hike. Even his jokes included sexual topics. "Come in my bed I'll show you the manly strength". "You cant spill". After reaching home he brought that topic again. I tried telling him let's get to know each other first. His response? "We'll do that slowly. There's plenty time to do everything and get to know each other."

I agreed after he tried convincing me with this and that reason. After waking up I realized I was really nervous so I denied him. Suggested a normal date. He bought a condom on his own without telling me, despite me strongly denying for sex. His reasoning? "We get freaky no matter the location so I brought just in case. We could change our mind later." We didn't have sex that day because of an incident.

On the next date he brought the topic yet again. I denied strongly and tried to give reasonings of my own. His persistence and reasonings never changed. "I want to do it properly at least once." "I can't resist you." "You're going to make me die from waiting." Even in texts he didn't stop it. When we were planning our next date, the topic came up. I agreed for the sake of my own peace of mind. Thinking "he might stop if I let him have his way once."

In a hotel room, we did it. The experience was decent. Just two amateurs exploring possibilities. After we put our clothes back on and were cuddling, he complained to me how it was far from expected, like he did about the first time. People go for so many rounds and we were tired yadda yadda.

While cuddling he suddenly edged the waistband of my pants. I kept on brushing his hands off. He put his hands inside and when I started resisting he grabbed me strongly. His finger was already poking around my pubes trying to find my vagina. My mobility was entirely gone and I was freezing from fear and kept on telling him to let go. After resisting too much he finally let go. Then I slapped him lightly and ran to the bathroom.

After I came back, I wondered if I should just run away without shoes but then again that would attract it's own separate drama. I ended up comforting him instead because he suddenly went silent and pouted cuz I slapped him. I kept on asking him what was the issue and even explained how it's intrusive to do that. His response? "You can touch me too."

After going home guess who's the one requesting for another date because she thought she ruined it with that slap? Yup me. The people pleasing bitch who thinks just putting enough energy can win over anybody.

I said I could come over to his house for some movies and casual lunch. He said just come over for a sleepover. I froze at the suggestion, even went numb cuz of it. I lied to my parents that I was going to a friend's, didn't tell my friends about it cuz of fear of judgement, left my phone on silent cuz I was scared of my own ringtone (I get scared of loud noises when I'm anxious).

I didn't spend the night at his because my parents called police after they found out I wasn't at the friend's house. Well the situation sorted out somehow.

This guy, this motherfucking guy. After being sweet to me, sending couple reels on Instagram, after joking like normal for a week after the sleepover incident, fucking scolded me for an entire evening calling me dumb for doing what I did. Said he was doing it all for me and he could have left me right on the day of the incident. Said he was waiting for the dust to settle down and when I wasn't mentally fragile anymore.

I cried the entire evening. And when I woke up the next day, all the memories kept flashing to me like a chest got unlocked. How I had tolerated the worst to keep this relationship afloat meanwhile it took a single slip up from me for him to get triggered and leave me. Ever since that day, I haven't been on peace.