some people only loved me

in ways that were convenient

for them

they loved the warmth i gave,

the way i stayed,

the way i made them feel less alone

but very few ever stopped

to ask what it cost me

to keep pouring from a heart

already exhausted

*very few ever truly saw me*

and perhaps that was

the loneliest part of all,

being loved most for

what i could give

*instead of who i was*

in another life,

i’d want to be an orphan.

i’d raise myself from the dirt,

with a torn sack hanging on

my right shoulder,

clutched within the grip of

my hand where should have

been the little finger of my father.

i’d drink the rain that slid off rusted tin,

gnaw on bread gone hard as stone,

and teach my own bones to stand

against the wind that bent every other.

i’d sleep beside the railway tracks,

counting each train as a sermon

to the places i’d never see,

letting their rumble press lullabies

into my ribs.

my name would be whatever

the street decided to call me,

and my god,

only the sun—

because it rose for me,

and for no one else.

and maybe then,

when hunger scraped my insides raw,

and the night curled cold around my spine,

i would learn the weight of a roof,

the mercy of warm bread,

the miracle of someone

remembering my name.

so i could learn the price of

every crumb before

i ever dared to call it mine.

I leave the dreaming

For the next life

I don't really believe in next life

But I hope there is

Maybe then I will be living

And not just breathing

For this time,

I will leave it like this

Questioning

Questionably living like this

I will leave the dreaming

For the next life

Dreaming

Dreaming about something

I dont know what it is

But better than what it is at the moment

Better than the present dreamless me

Not struggling

Definitely not struggling

Struggling for surviving

Surviving as a hollow me

Hollow me with her smiling

Smiling? Me? Yes I am smiling

I will continue smiling

But I leave the dreaming

For next life

Dreaming of living for next life

I hope I am living

In my next life.

मेरो जिन्दगी जलिरहेको छ,
र यसलाई अगाडि बसेर तापीरहेछु म।
डढेलो ले खाएको जिन्दगी बचाउन,
थोपा थोपा गर्दै पानी छ्यापीरहेछु म।
आफ्नो जिन्दगी जल्दा पनि तमाशा हेरेर बसेको छु,
खै कुन हद् सम्म गिरेको पापी रहेछु म!!
- प्रसङ्ग भण्डारी

I was casually riding to office then a thought struck like a jolts. This is not about god rather it’s about humans, it’s about me and you, the essence of us, the existence and circumstance of being.

Towards Reality

Okay, let’s get back to reality with confessions. I have committed sins, sins bigger than any righteous thing I have ever done.

Weather check

To my own self perception I believe for what I’ve done I was supposed to be taken out. Killed and butchered a long ago by the order of the god, in cold blood or mercilessly tortured and killed as last resort cause I can’t subdue the pain. The killing would be mercy to the intense pain I had to be bearing further.

Patience is the Key

God is called God cause he have undiminishable patience, you and I we are made for decades to a century and few decades max, God there has been there for EONs and indefinite period of time. Our three hundred cycles is his one hour. So on the contrary he sits at authoritative position, doesn’t need to overlook everything and everyone. IDK where he sits, he rests somewhere and orders hey Karma look after that guy.

Karma The non corrupt officer

If you ever want to see the most punctual, non corrupt and one who takes his job more seriously it’s karma. I meet my Karma more often to check my accounts what I did and how much I did is what I am getting. He has set proportionate credit and debit of my doings and receivings.

One unsettled account with his is my sins, the sins I have committed has affected lives of many and the same lives are revolving around me. The lives I need to take care of and look after it has become. What I always believed as an evil idea to torture my enemy has indeed been implemented in my own life.

The core belief, worst torture

I had enemies, everyone does, only few subtle evolved souls don’t. As a weak person you can’t just go there and kill them, you just wish to remove their most loved (Whether it be their loved ones or their most prized possessions)

On one instance, we had a fight with neighbor the cold war, nearly axed them down. I hated my neighbor too much I wanted to remove his wife. The way she speaks it torment my soul, her doings are more sinful than mine at that time but she was good soul IG.

Trust me sinister knows the extent of Sins

The Wish Fulfillment

I wished she died and on eight day, I got a call, “Hey where are you? Come home Mrs. X has died”

Oh shit, I didn’t knew my wish gets fulfilled. Karma took it to God?

Another sin in my account for her passing, and another wrong wish that I’ll regret for the rest of life not because she died but because that mf married again, a hot one, laughed like a demon straight from hell and gov job she has. I haven’t wished anything except for my soulie, “She find a good man who will lover her for life and happily married ever after”

What about the wisher?

God, I wish this IPO lands on my demat so I can make some money, god give me this lottery I’ll make 7000$ I’ll put it all in my Mother’s Account. BTW I gambled it straight away in a day. God please assign me a girl, who will lover for forever, for what I am, how I’m, I’ll love her even more.

I am God Lucked I get financial help somewhere in emergencies but not rich enough to payback on time. In terms of money, I lose more than what I make and about Girl I did got assigned one but you know love alone is not enough to keep her, character matters. So what escalated as lovers couldn’t climb and sustain in relationships. (I still love her, could have written a 1500 word essay on her but no I have closed my account with her)

What about God?

I have a bad habit of derailing from what was the goal, here the goal is god. I’m trying to understand him from different aspects on available resources. So what I found was no matter how much I plead, I cry he doesn’t care. He is just there smiling, resting, chilling (the one is followed) he already is a broken piece yet supreme one, lord of the lords.

Me chanting his name, being a complete sinful asshole devotee who only remembers at the time of pain, emptiness or sadness or need something works like a paracetamol to them. It does heals but unless I solve the root cause it will happen frequently and we know the more we use the less effect it has upon us in future.

Killing the self

Weak people fall in love and get obsessed, I'm ready to Give up breathing but I'm not done loving her. I wanted (Desired) her so much there was no me in I, It's all her, I don't knew if she was mine but I want her. So done with self I tried to kill myself 17 I was then, drank a bottle of softner + detol, did three vomits in a row and the bacteria in my stomach got killed. Climbed a 20 feet tree to jump over, branch broke midway to fall flat on corn field, soft as fuck, got unconscious but got up laughing. Third attempt I remember Pushing Bike to limits, I wished 4 kms before home that a dog crossed or tanker hit me. Fucking unlucky I was. I have failed on killing the self too.

The last failure was 2 years ago, I tried to Crash the Bike, it did but it threw me aside, safe af, zero scratch, bike damaged and bus had me repair the shit. Ok I stop here, since money is involved in my failure to kills. No more self killing. Oh I forgot to tell, I tried neck suffocation using a tshirt, the world spun, my eyes grew as small as a ballpen tip, blacked out, then I hear myself screaming exactly like a goat. I had to get up and untie the tshirt myself a fucking long sleeve (was my favorite btw)

Death Came and Went, but it'll come

Seriously, death has always been keen to take me, I've always seen it on the balcony waiting and waiting. Too many near death experiences, idk how many deadly encounters I might have missed to see. Everytime there is a soft hand to hold me. But it's there, it will come eventually when I'm really tired of me self.

As mother said before, "You will die hanging" after she saw my funny prank video of myself hanging. She knew I wrote my fate there, she was sad. I was sure it was just a prank but now I know. I haven't believed it but if that happens it won't be now. (Don't worry guys I'll make sure I'll avoid at any cost)

The Vision and Prediction

What will happen is, a lot of things can happen. A lot of things could go wrong. One worst scenario would be, I'll be lonely af with nowhere to go, nothing to do, I'll find a tree branch strong enough to hold my weight and play a swing there using my neck gets cervical fracture.

I'm not sick worried of what things could go wrong but I've calculated the risks. So whatever happens I'm prepared but there are unseen things.

Me getting Paralyzed or Disabled

This will be worst than death, me being taken care by somebody else being a weight on other people. So I have always prayed God I'll live whatever you desire worst of the worst but never this. So it again came to God, this is where I surrender to him.

God I'm all yours

Ok, I have surrendered, whatever comes from me, good is all yours, bad will be in my name. I'll trade you this life, I'm done taking control of this life, you do whatever you want with my life but my Parents, Sister - Her Children, spouse two friends and brother they must be happy. It's all yours, whatever comes in your name I eat, whatever goes goes which was will never be mine. Even though body feel like giving up, I want to live on this one for next 47 years. This is how I became a content writer, a short but not so sweet story.

This is not my first content but for him an ode from this evil, bad, non deserving guy who has just begun to love some parts of life to the Supreme One.

Wait, she can hear now

Suddenly the voices became louder

Louder than the love she imagined

Louder than the grief she accepted

Heartbeats, like the massacre gun

Bang, bang, bang

Hears the piercing voices of the unknowns

Murmuring, muttering

She closes her ears with her hands

Peace flows for a bit

But wait, there are holes in her hands

Red wine surging through them

"Who are you?" she whispers

Voices reply with a roar

A roar so loud that she couldn't hear

She begs for silence

Unversed in ruthlessness

She cries, she cries.

On the rooftop, she cries.

Wait, she cannot hear now

Suddenly the silence became quieter

Quieter than the love she imagined

Quieter than the grief she accepted

Heartbeats, like a gentle drum

Thump thump thump

Deafened, and defeated by the voices?

No, she learned to close her ears

Roars that made her cry,

the pebbles in the vast ocean

Now, she doesn't beg for silence

Versed in ruthlessness

She cries, she cries

On the rooftop she cries

I am tired of convincing the universe

That I am not worthy of loving you

You are the beautiful sky

I am just an insect trying to fly towards you

You are the deepest ocean

I am just a leaf that can't drown deep

You are a fruitful season

I am just a fragranceless wind

You are infinite

I am just a limit

But

But the way you look at me

It makes be believe

You are worth every pain I will bear

You are worth every heartbreak I will have to live with

So

So I will always be there

Even if I am just an ambitious insect,

just a floating leaf, just an odourless wind,

Or just a limit looking towards the infinite

I will be there admiring every little thing that I can grasp of you.

Eyes don't lie , but do they?

haggard vision that roams around searching 

what's there to this life

It was just mundane repetitive cycle

Truth  awakened a new outlook

Immersed in it's glow , preaches the newborn 

Letting go of  five senses

serenading the nature and wildlife

It lives by 

What you're gonna do with the hunger issues

With oppressive regimes and Government agents

The spies of the west , the east , the rest

what will you do when they all Head to the rest

Little ones who ain't no little ones

years of Washing our brains with washing agents

Miscommunication can lead to a situation

High rise building, with no souls in them

Top to the bottom we all are bricks of society

Hate one another like we hate bin laden

Oh no what did I say

I said what I heard on everyday

Blacks , browns , reds

Opressed by their masters, opressed by the reds

Make it blue , make them all black n white

lost the colour of the world , we crying about Minimalism

Lose all the soul , make them suffer like a pest

Go to war , Hold on son , you ain't gonna be back

Colour me red , atleast that's what minimalistic something can get

Colour me blue , colour me dew

No shit can fix this hell hole

We're done for the pessimistic optimization

We're done for the Mowglis of the jungle who were humans in the end

~

I left for the club on the left side of town

Took a left turn and where the hell am I now

it's virgin streets which ain't no virgin's dream

I quickly got out as the red washed me down

Body with tremors of Guilt and oppressions

I said to the lady , Good morning darling , what brings me to me ?

...

She whispered in a low , Made my mind run a thousands rows

Told me to be mean, to be rude to a hoe

No respect in here , no tremors of your soul could exist in here

Don't worry leave her at the gates

...

Come to me , get inside

Take your time , don't abide

Ruthless singers on the left , on the right

the bed was grim yet someone reminds

of the time i see and the time I'll be

Each to its own on these funny streets

...

We're masters of our own tragedy

With a heavy soul than I used to be

I've recently realised that most posts in this community are just about love, a girl, an ex or something closely related to it. It's not like I hate it or anything, but don't we have anything else to write about except love?

Please don't take this to heart, I'm only expressing my opinions here.

EDIT: I'm referring to romantic love btw

It was just yesterday a Saturday night, I went to a night party. The party was great, the people were too, but I needed some air to be myself. So I exited the venue for a while, picked a cigarette from the pack, put it in between my lips

and light a fire.

I have developed a serious Addiction of Nicotine over a year now. Every time I'm bored, free, sad or happy I light a cigarette. This time was not different, I inhaled and exhaled, I don't like to smoke while sitting so I was moving my legs. 2 minutes on my foot and I stopped, the highway was too close but far enough for me to access the moving vehicles. In between the moving lights, red, blue and yellow, I saw a girl under the streetlight (Maybe floodlight)

Girl in her mid 20's

I saw her young enough to lure men who are sexually hungry and who want to devour the fresh flesh in the mere pay for money. I was smoking and observing her. A thin shredded body roughly 5.5 feet in height, weighting somewhat 56 to 58 KGs and in elegant red.

She needs to be picked up

She wore a bareback that revealed parts of her body, the bare back with some laces that seems ready to be untied, pretty white, clean and arched back is what I saw from the back. A fishnet stockings extending from her butt cheeks to her legs over her long pencil heel. She wore a mini skirt, long enough to hide her assets but revealing enough that her bum were huge to be comfortably used as pillows.

She is a prostitute

I'm lighting another cigarette to tell myself that she is a prostitute. The way she is so confident over her sexuality at this time of the night, the bag she holds with nothing inside I'm sure. The way she stands and look expectingly as every vehicle passes her, she indeed is but I'm not 100% sure as I haven't offered her any money to spend the night with me. The way her legs spread as a grand gesture to pay welcome visit on her garden. She indeed is one of them.

I'm triggered

Suddenly she disappeared as I got lost on my own thoughts and I appeared before myself. I judged her already, I already knew what made her join the profession, I knew what she is doing and why.

I saw myself from Her

This is me going to office, to work and earn for living. She works at night and sleeps during the day, I sit and work till the sun can be seen at the sky. It's just our shift is different, so is our work. She work with bodies, I with computers and I bet we both hate our job but can we escape karma?

At the end of the day we are all selling something she trades her flesh for money, I trade my time for it. She might think a computer is easy job with good money, I think hers is quite easier, just lay low, follow instructions, stay till client oozes from Satisfaction, take hefty charge and leave.

If I were a girl

I'd trade my soul, easier said than done. But God knew what a dirty whore I'd make of myself, I'd bang every man on the planet, masculinity erased from existence. Then God made me a demisexual man, addicted to porn, gambling and drugs.

खानै नपाइ व्याकुल छ,
मेरो तन, र मन पनि।
नकमाउनै सकेँ खुसी मैले,
नकमाएँ मैले धन पनि।

सोचकै खेलमा सीमित रहे,
मेरा अनेक साल पनि।
केही भिन्न पाइला चलेको भए,
हुन्थ्यो भिन्न मेरो कहानी पनि।

Ek jhalak kya dekha tha, falak muskurane laga tha,
Zameen ka har kona, noor se nahaane laga tha.
Sirf roop nahi, teri fitrat thi aisi,
Jise dekh kar khuda bhi sukoon paane laga tha.

Uss jhalak se falak tak ka safar dekha tha,
Sirf chehra nahi, maine uski saadgi ka asar dekha tha.
Log dhoondte the khubsurati libaas aur rangon mein,
Maine uski muskaan mein sukoon-e-dil ka ghar dekha tha.

Baatein uski suljhi hui, har lafzh me ek dhang tha,
Modern khayalat the, par saadgi ka bhi rang tha.
Jeans aur laal chuda toh bas ek bahaana tha,
Asli khoobsurati toh uski rooh ka thikaana tha.

Magar ab woh safar chhoot gaya, woh raaste juda hain,
Hum dono apni-apni duniya mein khuda jaane kahan hain.
Woh jhalak jo falak bani thi, ab bas ek yaad purani hai,
Ek haseen daastan thi jo ab adhoori kahani hai.

You've seen all of the cruelty and harshness the world holds. It's ugly, horrendous and feels absolutely terrible.

You've learnt and know so much. You know about the concept of respect, forms of love, definition of life, window of ambitions and so on.

You know that in life, one has to endure some suffering of their own; be it immensely agonising or, just a pinch of tremendous hurt.

You do everything you can to make your day better, not letting your temper or overwhelming thoughts claim you.

You promised yourself that you'd never shed tears without genuine reason. You promised to become strong, give direction to the lost and strength to the fainthearted. Yet today, you cried. Well, who wouldn't? When people go out of their humble way to make your own day worse, anyone will cry.

But, you've already felt the distasteful pint of humiliation on your tongue. It always sizzles and bubbles inside your tummy. It's absolutely disgusting. Gross. Not stomachable. Your belief and conviction towards yourself have rotten into degraded scraps. It's malodorous.

Your humanity has worn out in others' eyes. You aren't a person, you are an animal. You are livestock to be eaten, a pet to be played with, and an awkwardly trotting roach.

You endured all this until now. Endured until you also began to see them as helpless dogs and gluttonous pigs; an ant to be squashed by your indifferent foot in motion.

"You've endured. You've known how cruel the world can be when seen through teary eyes. Yet, why do you still cry?"

"I cry because crying is the only thing I can do."

— takenby7seven

माया देखाउन जान्दिनॅं,
तर माया गर्न नजानेको हैन मैले।
उसको माया मा डुबि बसेको छु,
तर यो खोलो तर्न नजानेको हैन मैले।
ऊ मेरी हुन्छे कि भन्ने आशाले बांचेको छु,
नत्र सब त्यागिदिन्थें, मर्न नजानेको हैन मैले।
- प्रसङ्ग भण्डारी

The first Meet

One fine morning, I was rushing towards Retail Store cause it was public holiday and the cheap hotel where I used to buy cigarette and food was closed. I was walking towards the pavement on the streets of New Road to buy a cigarette and on the opposite side eye saw her, I didn’t know who she was, where she worked but our eyes met before us. We both kept on staring each other long till we crossed. Ugly dirty dress, no expensive clothes, no attractive thing in sight, dirty shoes but she saw these very eyes.

In between

Our eyes met several times in between, I find her staring long enough trying to see me whole. But when I look at her, her eyes sunken deep in the earth idk where they go but still she dares to look up at me once before she disappears. I’m always at the spot smoking and she always comes late rushing as if she always fails to catch the bus on time. If I’m not on spot, hiding a slight to see exactly from the point she watch me, I find her searching these very eyes.

These eyes

This is not the first time seeing someone craving these eyes. My first love said “You are the worst person but your eyes are the best in the world for me”

A villager aunty would kiss my cheeks, hug me tight and look straight in my eyes cause she finds my eyes idk how she used to describe, solace maybe.

& on the contrary the last post I made for whom, she fell for these eyes, her regret was “I wish I didn’t see those innocent eyes of yours.”

I meet people often wanting to stare long into my eyes, I meet people who start speaking even before I do, I meet people finding an excuse to speak to me, I meet people sharing pain every time they encounter me.

I don’t know my eyes, I use them to see but they know it’s worth something else. Will you want to see em?

Can't I just disappear?

My existence,

My proof of being here,

Just vanishing in thin air.

Like a soft gentle breeze,

Into sweet nothing.

Memories of mine,

Erased.

Like it was never there.

With no stain left behind.

Laughter, cries, screams,

Dissipating to silence.

Like I never existed,

Free from the wallows of the world,

Free from expectations

And burdens.

Free from remembrance,

For better or worse.

These words shall too fade away.

Right here,

Right now,

Right this moment,

I wish to discontinue this existence.

यी रातहरुमा

तिम्रा यादहरुको अङ्गालोमा पर्छु।

अन्तिम क्षणको सम्झना

एक्लोपनमा

मध्य रातका आशुलाई

कलमको मसी बनाई लेख्छु म।

पानाहरुमा वेदनालाई समेट्छु।

साथ थियौ र त जीवन जिउने आट बन्यौ।

साथ छैनौ,

सम्झनाहरु नै साहस बनेका छन

श्वासलाई,

धक्कधक्क गर्ने मुटुलाई परसम्म धकेल्न।

©

आफू केहि गर्न सकिरहेको छैन मैले,
र म कसैसॅंग मद्दत माग्न पनि सक्दिन।
धेरै जिम्मेवारी छन् म माथी,
र म ती सब बाट भाग्न पनि सक्दिन।
भित्र भित्रै हारी सकेको छु म,
तर म सब थोक त्याग्न पनि सक्दिन।
- प्रसङ्ग भण्डारी