Every night I struggle with staying asleep, I’m waking up from night terrors and then having trouble falling back asleep, usually too scared to go back to sleep as I’ll fall back into the same dream. I have a couple reoccurring ones but last night was different, it started out good and then out of nowhere the sky turned dark and the ground caved in below me and I was just falling…. I woke up in a cold sweat freezing.
My social circle has made me realize how truly alone I am. I’ve realized in my solace that I can distract myself from the sorrows around me and the temptations that follow if I have something to look forward to. In an attempt to be proactive I’ve tried making plans each day this week with a different person, it turned out to be quite a social experiment as I tried making plans to do things I don’t even like hoping that would entice my clique to show up for me. 0/6, not a single person followed through. 1 showed up for a game night but ended up leaving before we could even begin as he got an important phone call.
It’s hard not to feel as though I’m spiraling as I’m trying to do everything right. I’m trying so desperately to be the best version of myself but I’m still struggling to be successful with finding happiness. I’m exhausted….the level of effort I’ve been putting into life is ridiculous. I try so fucking hard. I’ve even been trying to do this sober as I’ve come to the realization that I’m a control freak, I abuse substances because if I make myself fail I still feel like I’m in control.
I’m trying to manifest something positive here but it’s a struggle, I’m fighting everyday up in this bitch. I had how my mind is at times, there’s a downfall to having such a creative mind. One minute I’m doing fine and the next I can’t function. There’s not one part of my life right now that is consistent other than pain.
12 years ago yesterday I woke up and you didn’t. I think a part of me was buried with you. I felt you in the storm last night. I know you wouldn’t be the most proud of me for the life I’ve lived since you’ve been gone. I’m trying to be the best version of myself but it is really fucking hard. Yesterday was hard but I had someone special help get me through it even though she’s going through a storm herself. Please watch over us my friend, I’ll try my hardest to make you proud.
For the past decade I’ve used marijuana to help sleep through the night. Each time Ive tried stopping I end up having nightmares related to my ptsd. Even when I smoked or microdosed edibles I would still have the same reoccurring nightmares once or twice a month but that was wayyyy more manageable. I can usually fall asleep alright but most of the time if I’m triggered awake I can’t go back to sleep. Earlier in the year I brought this up to my doctor and tried prazosin but it made me to dizzy which effected my work the next day.
Is there anything you have tried that has helped even in the slightest?
When I hear you whisper “I love you”, the world deafens for a minute. It’s a rush that floods through my veins and pumps directly into my left aorta. Such simple words have turned ordinary moments into electricity. I’ve chased highs in bottles, powders, smoke etc, But nothing could ever imitate the chemistry that is your voice; Finding its way into my heart. Three simple words and my mind lights up like stars outside. Who knew hearing three little words would end up being the biggest dopamine hit.
When I hear her voice the world deafens, my body surrenders into a state of bliss that only she creates. Hearing her sing in the kitchen is like having my own personal symphony, my god when our rhythm is in sync. HEAVEN.
Her emerald eyes are a softness I can settle into and unravel SEAMLESSLY. When our eyes meet I feel truly seen. I’m used to flying under the radar, she understands me. She has the kindest fucking eyes; My heart aches at the level of pain she had to ENDURE to create such kindness.
Her spirit is wild. A feralness that refuses to be tamed. But she doesn't need to be tamed.
Maybe she just needs to be SEEN.
I want to shroud her with my love. Let our broken pieces heal into one. Lets go for a walk TOGETHER.
You would have been 59 today. I love you. I don’t blame you for not making it longer, I know you did the best you could. It’s been 6 years since I got that call, admittedly I knew it was coming after I came to see you that Friday but when my phone rang early that morning I silenced it with the hopes that it was just work trying to call me in. It was dad, telling me to come say goodbye. Admittedly he wasn’t able to hold the composure to actually speak so I just told him I was heading that direction and to text me where to go. Hopefully we can laugh about it in Valhalla but the fucking cat outlived you, not by much though. In honor of you today your grandkids and I had the m&m cookies that were your favorite.
You would have been 59 today. I love you. I don’t blame you for not making it longer, I know you did the best you could. It’s been 6 years since I got that call, admittedly I knew it was coming after I came to see you that Friday but when my phone rang early that morning I silenced it with the hopes that it was just work trying to call me in. It was dad, telling me to come say goodbye. Admittedly he wasn’t able to hold the composure to actually speak so I just told him I was heading that direction and to text me where to go. Hopefully we can laugh about it in Valhalla but the fucking cat outlived you, not by much though. In honor of you today your grandkids and I had the m&m cookies that were your favorite.
I crave her in the most vexing of ways.
I wake each morning with an insatiable hunger.
A thirst that will exist until I can hold her in my arms again.
The cost of all love is pain, an incomplete feeling when she's not around.
Constant agony without the taste of her on my lips.
I find myself yearning for her mid-slumber, her warmth absent from my bed.
The thought of her consumes me entirely, there is no greater euphoria.