u/silly______goose

I thought I got a better handle on my self-destructive behavior, turns out I don't.

Last night I was out at a club with friends. Good night, mostly. Dancing, got compliments on my outfit, was being my usual weird self (I brought communion wafers as a snack, just being silly).

At some point, the whole group (8-10 people) started saying goodbye and left basically ALL AT ONCE. Objectively: drunk people dispersing from a club after being there for hours. Completely normal.

What my old wiring interpreted / my nervous system heard: you did something wrong, you were too much, they abandoned you.

It took that mass exodus of friends and some negative thoughts throughout the night at the club to trigger my entire alarm system.

So I went home and my inner anarchist took over. I deleted my Instagram (one of my main ways of staying in touch with people), then I deleted my Whatsapp number so nobody could reach me to ask why. Total scorched earth, in maybe 20 minutes.

The next day, doing the forensics, I realized: two of my friends did say goodbye to me. I got compliments that night. Nobody was mad at me. My alarm system was loud AND wrong at the same time.

What I've pieced together about the impulse: when you grow up with abandonment (lost my mom at 2, abusive stepmother, father who chose others over me), being left is unbearable because it happens TO you. Deleting everything flips it, now I'm the one who left, I get to leave before they do. It converts helplessness into control.

I don't have a neat ending. My accounts are still gone, nobody's heard from me yet, I'm barely reachable.

Does anyone else have this "burn it down before they can leave me" reflex? What's helped you put a gap between the impulse and the match?

Here's the tl;dr of my post:

>Trauma robbed me of the years I should have spent learning who I am: my tastes, my interests, my knowledge of the world. Now I move through educated, culturally fluent spaces feeling like I missed an entire chapter of becoming a person. And I'm grieving it and furious about it.

I'm pissed at how uneducated I feel or how boring I think I seem when I get asked about the arts, world history, geopolitics, music, literature.

I was on a date last week and this guy asked me about me if I liked the renaissance, what my favorite books were, who my favorite musicians were. Just casual "getting to know you" questions. And I went blank…

Not because I was nervous. But because I genuinely didn't know my own preferences, and I realized I may have significant gaps in basic cultural and intellectual knowledge that most people around me seem to just have. I've felt this same shame and anxiety in group conversations too, with new acquaintances and friends. I hate that I don't know enough, even though I finished university and got my master's. Is this a knowledge gap or a confidence gap? Or both?

And here's the irony: guys always tell me I'm mysterious. Now I realize that's not mostly depth. That's mainly deflection. I'm so practiced at asking questions and listening that I never have to reveal myself. I thought I was being a good conversationalist. I think I was just hiding.

My childhood and teenage years - the years when most people were reading, exploring, developing interests, falling in love with music or art or ideas - I spent defending myself. Just trying to survive. Just trying not to kill myself.

I lost my mom when I was 2. Then grew up with a physically and emotionally abusive stepmother, an emotionally absent father, and the weight of navigating being gay in a culture that didn't accept it.

And I'm angry about that. I'm angry that I didn't get those years. I'm angry that while other kids and young adults were building themselves, I was busy just trying not to get destroyed. I hate how much I don't know. I hate sitting in a group conversation or across from a date who has wide-ranging knowledge, deep interests, real hobbies, and feeling like I'm running a deficit I didn't create and can't explain.

What makes it more complicated is the distance between where I started and where I now stand. I grew up in a small town in the philippines, a slower, more insular world where questions about art history or geopolitics simply didn't come up. I've since moved to NYC and now live nomadically, regularly finding myself in rooms with highly educated, well-read, culturally fluent people who casually reference painters, philosophers, political movements, composers - things I've never encountered. Like everyone around me was handed a whole education I was never given.

It's not just that I don't know my preferences. It's that I sometimes feel like I missed an entire chapter of becoming a person. And I'm grieving it. And I'm pissed.

For those of you who've navigated something similar: how did you start filling those gaps in knowledge, but more importantly, in your sense of self? How did.. how do you handle the anger and the shame?

No pressure for advice. Even just knowing others have been here would mean a lot.

Hi, I've just possibly lost my wallet inside. How does lost and found works? If someone finds it, it would be a blessing if returned. My father passed recently and I have some memory / artifact of him in there.

edit: found it! they had it at garderobe. thankful to whoever returned it 💙

Hello! I know this sub gets flooded with "where should I eat/what should I see" posts, so I'm hoping to take that bit further: instead of asking for recommendations, I'd rather actually connect with people and explore together.

I'm in Belgrade for these next two weeks and looking for people to explore with - whether that's checking out the food scene, hitting bars/nightlife, or day trips to Novi Sad or Niš. I've been solo traveling for 5 years and love it, but I'm in the mood to actually be with people, especially those with local knowledge and language skills (nice-to-have but not a must).

A bit about me: M early 30s from NYC. I love learning local history and culture, trying good food, and experiencing the nightlife (going to Karmakoma this weekend if anyone wants to join!). Whether you're a local wanting to show off your city, another traveler, or an expat looking for new people, let's link up.

Coffee, drinks, coworking sessions, day trips, park hangs, whatever. Hit me up!

edit: added coworking for remote workers!