River of Blood
Absolute dogshit of a movie. It's not even fun bad. It's just bad. And it's not horror. We thought we'd be in for a fun, dumb horror movie. We were very wrong. Four attractive people (and a guide) make horrible decisions the entire movie.
The seasoned "guide", who can't even tell what animal noises are, has a back story about his great grandfather who went missing and his flesh was reportedly found in the stomach of a cannibal. No idea how they identified the specific meaty bits of people back then, but oh well. He carries a super small knife that he clutches in emergencies like it's a Bowie knife. Seriously, it's ridiculously small lol.
The Youtubers who are so "daring" they film themselves going into an area posted as Do Not Enter. They surmise it's probably because of "some protected flowers or shit". Any idea what happens to them?
The two blonde leads, who are dressed for a day at the spa, are unbelievably hard to tell apart. They shake their asses, spout stupid lines and prance around the jungle in jumpers. They agree to camp out overnight after a day kayak trip in the jungle with zero supplies. No one drank any water this entire movie until the final scene.
The alpha male is a complete asshole and questions every thing the guide says, ridicules his wife non stop, and seethes with poorly hidden fury at his "best friend", whose wife he's shagging on the side and got pregnant. He's made the hero at the end. The literal hero. He's 100% unlikeable. He allows his "best friend" to be dragged away by two men while he hides, but in the end miraculously finds courage to face off against the entire tribe. He gets a hero's death, which is infuriating.
The "asian" cannibals (this is set in Thailand ), who are inexplicably played by large painted black dudes that look like they could dominate on the court. They are HUGE.
A logger watches his friend fall just past the machine he's operating in the jungle. He goes to check it out, sees blood and freaks out and runs blindly into the jungle. Not back to the clearing where the other loggers are, but INTO THE JUNGLE.
At one point, the guide stumbles onto this clearing with a bunch of straw figures dressed in modern clothing. Why? Where did they get straw in the jungle? Who cares? There's a figure wearing the logger's clothes, one wearing one of the motorcyclist's clothes and, unbelievably, there's one wearing his great grandfather's explorer uniform. That's right, his great grandfather who went missing, oh a hundred? years ago, has his clothes just sitting in the clearing on a straw man and happens to be found by his great grandson.
Skip this movie. It's pointless and ridiculous. Hell, you can't even go into it hoping for nudity or gore. There is none. It's just plain terrible. Honestly, I'm embarrassed I wasted this much time "reviewing" this turd.
Oh, the cinematography is gorgeous. Really. It's a beautiful setting.