u/skramzfan96

I have been very suspicious that I was autistic for a few years now. (Long venting post, sorry. Just need to get this out of me)

Admittedly, for most of my life, I had a very misunderstood idea of what autism was. I thought of the stereotypes. I thought autistic people were only the severely disabled ones who were completely non verbal and required aides or devices to function. Never once questioned whether or not I was autistic. Never crossed my mind.

I was born with a rare bone disease. Osteogenesis Imperfecta. Not very relevant to this post but I was also dealing with that disability and its issues my entire life.

I grew up in a very very broken home. Tons of domestic violence, violence towards me, parents using drugs and overdosing around me, etc.

I remember always being the “quiet kid” who did exceedingly well in school, was even offered to skip a grade or two due to my high grades, but I always struggled to make friends and usually kept to myself. I always felt “different” in a way I couldn’t explain, and felt like I was trying to fit in a world that I didn’t fully understand. I was bullied a lot and I wasn’t really sure why I was targeted. My bone disease was only really “noticeable” if you really knew what to look for, so I never thought it was due to my physical disability.

I knew nothing of mental illness or neurodivergence for a majority of my life, and despite in retrospect, CLEARLY dealing with severe childhood trauma among other things, I never talked about how I felt. Never sought therapy or medication. Was convinced I was fine for most of my life, when I really wasn’t.

Around the age of 21-22 I think all the years of untreated and undiagnosed trauma and issues had started to catch up to me. I had started to have these “episodes” that I was not sure the cause of, but they were starting to happen more and more and it was getting to a point where I was actually getting worried.

At this point I had kinda already knew I probably had PTSD from childhood trauma but hadn’t really taken it seriously. I thought these episodes were initially dissociation due to trauma, so as they got worse, I finally decided to talk to someone.

I spoke to a therapist + psychiatrist for the first time. I got diagnosed with C-PTSD & Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I started taking Lexapro and Buspar daily for a few years.

I gained a lot of weight, but mentally, I started to feel relatively calm for the first time in my life. Being officially diagnosed helped me learn a lot about mental illness, PTSD and how trauma affects the brain. Especially C-PTSD.

I had finally started to learn about autism as I started to learn more about C-PTSD, particularly how much overlap they had. This is when I first started to understand what autism REALLY was, and I started to sympathize a lot with that experience as I felt like it really related to my own.

With this newfound diagnosis and education on things, I started to become a lot more aware of my behaviors and pay more attention to things. I started to reflect on my life and my past behaviors as well.

I went through trauma for a majority of my childhood and into adulthood, but I started to think about how I always felt “different” even before a lot of that trauma started to re-wire my brain.

For my entire life, even before I saw any doctors, my mom told me I had a lot of “seizures” as a kid. She always explained to me that I’d violently twitch and clench my entire body, shake uncontrollably and slam my head into things, and I would do this CONSISTENTLY as a toddler, but I always acted completely fine after. It happened more and more and she got me looked at, only for a doctor to say I was having febrile seizures that were very common for toddlers and that it would go away on its own. This had to be in like 1997-1998. (Born June 1996)

Those seizures didn’t really “go away” until I was about 6 and I recall having one more when I was 12. However, it always confused me how she was told they were febrile seizures caused by really high fevers, yet I seemed to have them a concerning amount for it to purely be fever related. Still, I never really questioned it much.

After being on meds and doing therapy for a while, I really started to take my mental health seriously. I had learned a lot about C-PTSD and how much it overlapped with autism, but something still felt off to me. I didn’t really feel like my behaviors (fidgeting, tremors, lack of eye contact, always feeling different, restricted and repetitive interests, difficulties making friends or dating, etc) were strictly due to trauma and PTSD. I felt like something was still missing.

I mentioned to my therapist the idea of me being autistic, on top of the trauma. She told me that it made sense, and referred me to get tested. That never happened, because they wanted like 6 grand at the time.

So years go by. I learn more and more about the conditions I was diagnosed with (GAD & C-PTSD) and a lot more about autism. I started to get genuinely hyperfixated on autism. Learning about every little detail and sign. Questioning myself. Reevaluating my entire life. I could not stop thinking about it. So many signs lined up for me that I became all but certain I was autistic.

I had this thought in the back of my mind that what if I’m not autistic and I am genuinely just so fucked from trauma that it mimics autism. I was terrified of that thought.

I moved across the country about 4 years ago, in a much better environment. I got away from almost all my triggers and sources of trauma, and actually started to “have a life” so to speak. Going to clubs and concerts and being around more people than I had ever before.

But that thought still lingered that something was off about me. That PTSD didn’t fully explain it. I continued to hyperfixate on autism. My best friend/roommate finally started to believe I was autistic too after living with me for a few years and starting to notice things.

I got off my meds and stopped going to therapy when I moved. I started smoking weed heavily and that pretty much became my replacement for meds. I lived like that for 4 years. Weed helped at first, but at some point it stopped doing anything. All this anxiety, troubles socializing, all of these things started to slowly creep back up as I got older and lived this new life.

I started having “episodes” again. I got so bad that after 4 years I realized I really needed help again before it was too late. I started having suicidal ideation. Missing work constantly. Being isolated and withdrawn. All this shit.

I decided I needed to get back on meds. So I did. This time buspirone and Prozac. Started therapy again.

This time around I am 30 years old and even with increased dosages and more knowledge on this stuff than before, plus quitting weed, it seemed like this time none of this was helping me. I was still getting worse.

I’m still missing work due to extreme anxiety. I struggle with transitions. I’m as quiet and reserved as ever in social situations, despite being exposed to it more and more in my new environment. I find myself overstimulated and exhausted constantly. Sleep for hours and still feel tired. Losing interest in things I used to. Unable to perform easy tasks that I used to do no issue. I feel like I am starting to burn out. It’s been really bad.

I’ve had two really bad episodes lately. I was completely mentally aware of what was going on, but totally lost control of my body. Violently twitching and shaking. Clenching my body super hard in multiple areas. Mentally feeling like I hit an off switch and just tuned out. Wouldn’t respond to my own name. Kept fidgeting and rocking back and forth. I’d come out of these episodes feeling extremely drained and empty.

These recent episodes felt like seizures, but I was mentally present and aware each time they happened. It didn’t feel like an anxiety attack or anything, I’ve had those and I know this was different.

I looked it up and found out about psychogenic non epileptic seizures (PNES) and not only did it match exactly with what I felt, I for the first time actually thought about the “seizures” I had as a kid and realized that based on what my mom told me would happen, it was actually a PNES seizure and not a febrile seizure, and these episodes I had been having were also PNES. I found out that PNES is really common in autistic children. Finding that out made my heart sink, but also made it click for me.

These seizures I had throughout my childhood, that started years before most my trauma, were most likely these types of seizures. I was scared to talk to my mom about it, but I finally did today.

She went into more detail about the seizures. How frequent they were. How id clench my entire body and slam my head into shit. Violently rock back and forth and be unresponsive. These childhood seizures sounded identical to the ones I recently had.

I asked her to tell me more about how I acted as a baby/toddler and purposely avoided mentioning autism to get an unbiased answer.

She told me these seizures were REALLY common, up until the age of 6. I had a few more throughout my childhood but they stopped for good around the age of 12. She said I hardly ever cried. She could never get me to respond to my name when it was called. She said I loved to repetitively line up and organize my toys in a weird way. When my younger brother was born, she said I’d get unreasonably angry whenever he tried to join me and play with my toys when he was an infant and I was a toddler. To the point where I’d freak out and hit him or throw things at him. I only wanted to play alone. She said I always kept my NASCAR toys neatly arranged by number in the car case and always kept it that way. Among other things.

I knew these were all telltale signs of autism in a child, but I didn’t tell her. When I got off the phone, I felt a mix of relieved and furious at the same time.

I am pretty much certain that I have been autistic my entire life, and it was just never treated. I think my bone disease got all of the focus in terms of medical stuff growing up since it was more easy to spot and treat. Any mental or neurological issues were ignored.

Everything made so much sense to me finally. Why I felt so alien and different my entire life. Why I’ve always struggled to make friends and talk to people. Why I’ve never been able to express my emotions. Why I have never had a girlfriend or learned how to drive at 30 years old because so many of these things seemed so terrifying and overwhelming.

Why I seemed to be affected the most by childhood trauma, despite my two siblings going through most of the same shit at the same age and ending up much better off than I am now.

I was struck with a sense of relief in knowing that my suspicion of being autistic is pretty much confirmed in all but official diagnosis, but also a strong anger that I’ve lived so long without any support or intervention. How differently my life could have gone if I just got checked sooner. Got help.

Now I am 30 and still mentally feel like a child, trying to navigate the world as an adult, feeling more overwhelmed and unsupported than I’ve ever been. I think I realized that for about a year or so, I’ve been starting to go through severe autistic burnout. It’s why I’ve suddenly been unable to work my job that was previously not that hard. I can hardly function. I feel like the masking I’ve subconsciously done my entire life is starting to catch up to me, and I’m finding it harder to mask. I’ve been stimming a lot more. I’ve had these “seizures” more.

I am still undiagnosed, but I really feel like knowing for sure I’m autistic will give me this weird sense of closure. It won’t fix my issues, but it’ll provide an answer. I don’t know what to do. Getting diagnosed as a 30 year old is so difficult. I can hardly work to make the money to even pay for testing. I feel like I’m regressing in a way I never have before and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I never make vent posts like this, but I’m lost. This was the only way I thought I’d be heard by anyone who may understand.

Last part of my entire CD collection is out now! Thanks for watching

(Delete if not allowed)

I have started a YouTube series where I am showcasing my ENTIRE 300 CD collection in parts! I have Part 1 (A-F), Part 2 (G-L) and Part 3 (M-R) out now!

I go very in depth about each artist and I have a big collection so the videos are long 😅 but were very fun to make. I have multiple genres so you might see something you like! Thanks for watching!

I play daily

I know physical media isn’t shit anymore for most people, but I personally still buy CDs (I have almost 300) and love to own music physically.

Bladee is one of my favorite artists and I am DYING for him to make CDs of his stuff. I’d buy literally all of it. I know there were limited pressings of Eversince and Red Light which I’d kill to have.. but they are selling for so much.

Am I the only one who would cream their pants if Bladee dropped CDs?

I just got back into this game and most of the people on my friends list haven’t played in ages, so I am looking for new friends to invite/be invited to raids as well as send gifts!

I am in Wisconsin, USA

Trainer code: 076259533622