So I have always had daddy issues, but I recently found out I could become a sugar baby and people would buy me new clothes an pay for beauty treatments etc.
I just feel guilty, I know everyone is taught it’s morally wrong - but is it bad honestly?
I have a bit of fun with the guys, but it’s normally to just make them happy and get paid in return.
I just feel like I’m questioning my morals if it’s wrong??
So my daddy was never really present in my life, he worked mainly so I could go to private school and have whatever I wanted etc.
I cut contact with him a year ago and I’ve noticed since then my sex drive has gone insanely high (sorry tmi) but even sitting opposite an older man on the bus makes me wet I just can’t control my thoughts.
I’ve always fantasised about having a stepdaddy as well, I just have this weird thing about having sex with older men ??
I f20 met my boyfriend m22 whilst I was living at home, I had an awful childhood and ended up leaving my narcissistic abusive parents to get a flat with my boyfriend (2 months after knowing him :/ ) the start was insane love bombing, he was perfect.
Then we moved in and he wouldn’t do anything, and he would be horrible to my friends but make me doubt myself when I brought it up. He was horrible about my family and made it awful for me to try to heal - it got to the point I was coping with so much I attempted.
It got worse after that and he started to borrow money off me and in general I always had to pay. I took him away for his birthday and paid for the entire thing - and then planned my own birthday trip and made him pay for himself - to which he stropped and snapped at me the entire day and then made me feel guilty for being upset at the end of the day and made me doubt why I was upset?
I’m a British Pakistani and have struggled a lot with my culture and faced lots of racism - he openly tells me I looked ugly without face filler and now I look a bit Brazil with my filler. He hates anything to do with my culture, yet he also pretends he’s polish…
The point is that I don’t have any family or friends left now - it’s just him but I NEED to move out, I escaped two narcissists just to find another one, I just feel defeated.
I’m planning to stay ‘nice’ get my money back which will take about 4 months and then look for a new place and just go without telling him.
Any advice on how to survive these 4 months - considering I do all his washing and cooking and cleaning but now I just feel disgusted and don’t want to ???? How do I even sleep in the same bed as him or talk to him ?
Also sorry last question - does he even know what he’s doing??
I (f20) left my controlling muslim family a year ago, I was on the most part ignored as a child but any attention I did get was being beat or verbally abused. I had a pretty awful childhood and I know it’s affected me.
A few months after leaving home I had an attempt and was told I have cptsd alongside other things and so I sort of realised okay maybe I need therapy - but the lady I was recommended didn’t help.
I then went through winter just surviving and noticed I have these periods of depression and then a feeling of ‘I can take on the world’ so I got another therapist - it didn’t work out.
I then started waking up from my sleep crying reliving nightmares of being in my old house - so I tried another therapist who turned out to be racist - and I’ve just ended with ANOTHER therapist because she basically shamed me for having a coping mechanism.
I cope by telling myself it’s in the past and there’s nothing I can do and it’s a waste of time to be sad and cry and I may as well forget and move on - which helps me obviously.
My last therapist looked disgusted when I said that, but I’ve noticed I felt fine mentally until I had a therapy session and it all got brought up.
So my question is, has anyone just coped by themselves? I don’t see how a therapist can help me and I also understand if I continued with my coping mechanism, I might be caught off guard one day and reminded of things but I know to take myself to a quiet place and breath and calm myself down.
Is it really that bad to just live with my coping mechanism? I’ve never even called it a coping mechanism until my last therapy session - it’s just my way of surviving I suppose.