u/slightlystatic92

I’m 33 and in a very long liminal transitional period, and could use some outside perspective.

A few years ago I left a city and an industry (entertainment) I once loved. I left because the industry was horribly toxic. I know I’m better off now.

However, I’ve felt extremely stuck in life ever since leaving three years ago. I initially moved back in with family and I’m still here. My current situation gives me some good things: financial stability, a safe and calm environment for my aging dog who needs a lot of caretaking, and time and space to work on creative projects (I work in a rather niche field and I am multidisciplinary in my work, but I will say that, among other things, I currently am a content creator with a modest following).

I also currently have a pet care business as my job to supplement my creative projects for income in addition to my creative projects, so I’m pretty active and involved in life outside my home. I do love caring for animals but it’s solitary work and it feels like a stopgap employment situation until…whatever is supposed to happen next, happens.

But this is not at all where I want to be long-term. I don’t feel connected to the people, culture, or climate here. I’ve never had such a hard time making friends (I’m trying - weekly dance classes, membership at a ceramics studio, attending women’s meetups…) because I just don’t relate to people here. It’s a masculine, tech-centric culture I live in now, and I’m a quirky feminist bohemian artist. I just can’t contribute much to conversations with people here.

I’m getting very tired of living here, but I don’t have anywhere else to go. I tried getting my own place nearby last year in an attempt to kickstart my life but it was so financially stressful, I went through a painful breakup, and my dog declined rapidly and I needed support for caretaking him, so I came right back home once my lease was up.

I want to live somewhere more aligned with my interests and lifestyle, but I don’t have a concrete opportunity pulling me somewhere specific. Given the fact that my last move was very forced and very stressful, I don’t want to move anywhere just for the sake of moving. I don’t want to move unless I’m moving toward something substantial. For that reason, I’m not interested in advice saying “have you considered moving to ___?”

I’m getting very tired of telling myself “this is just temporary, just hang in there until an opportunity appears” because it’s clearly not temporary, and no matter how much I go out and meet people or create art nothing, literally nothing seems to be changing over the years. I don’t know what more I can be doing. I’m applying for artist residencies and creative opportunities as well.

I’m trying my best to tolerate this awful in-between phase but it’s getting so hard. Any words of wisdom, or even just validation and comfort?

I’m 33F and in a liminal, transitional period of my life, and I’d really appreciate some outside perspective.

A few years ago I left a city (Los Angeles) and a life (in the entertainment industry) that had once been very meaningful to me. I left because the industry is quite toxic, and my mental and physical health were paying a huge price. I miss aspects of that life, but I know I'm healthier and safer now. 

Since leaving, I’ve moved around a bit, had some difficult experiences, and eventually moved back in with family (SF Bay Area). My current situation gives me some important things: financial stability, a safe and calm environment for my aging and fragile dog to live out his golden years, and enough time to work on creative projects (I have always been an artist first and foremost). 

But I also know very clearly that this isn’t where I want to stay long-term. I don't feel connected to the culture, people, or climate here. I have never had such a hard time making friends (and believe me, I am trying. I go to dance classes, I have a membership at a ceramics studio, I attend women's meetups...I just don't have a lot in common with Bay Area people. I don't have much to contribute to conversations regarding tech, AI developments, working for Google, etc.)

I am getting very tired of living here. Yet...I really don't have anywhere else to go. I tried living in my own place last year, just to see if maybe that would kick-start my life, but the financial stress (renting at Bay Area prices on an artist's salary is rough as hell) combined with lack of friends, a painful breakup, my dog's rapidly declining health, and a significant health issue on my end left me shattered and crawling back to my mom's house out of a sheer sense of desperation for relief. 

I currently have some sense of stability (financially and health-wise), which is good, but I want so much more. I want a partner, a home of my own, stronger community, and a more established career path in the arts. And I ultimately want to live somewhere else with a community and climate more aligned with my interests and lifestyle. The problem is that I don’t currently have a specific place calling me or a concrete opportunity that makes moving feel like a good idea. 

I’ve tried forcing moves before simply because I was unhappy where I was, and the result was that I became overwhelmed, financially stressed, and painfully isolated. So I’m reluctant to make another expensive and stressful move just for the sake of making something happen. 

At the same time, I’m getting tired of telling myself, “Just make this current situation comfortable and wait.” I sometimes worry that I’m spending so much time in a holding pattern waiting for some obvious opportunity, relationship, or destination to appear. So much of my life lately comes down to, "Ok, how can you make this day bearable?" and I'm heartbroken for myself that this is the question I must ask to get through my days. 

I am doing things: I have a pet care business, which is a great job for me right now, I'm saving money, applying for creative opportunities and artist residencies, building creative projects (I am a content creator with a modest following), meeting people, exploring possible career directions, attending therapy. There have even been a few promising little developments recently in my creative endeavors. But nothing has become a strong enough pull to restructure my life around, and I desperately want my life restructured. I truly believe if I were meant to be happy in the Bay Area, I would have felt that happiness by now. Because, as toxic as my life in LA became, I always loved that city. I loved the climate, I loved the energy, I loved the scenery, I loved the food, I loved the hiking, I loved the museums and art scene - my point being, I know what it feels like to love where you live, which is why I know I'm not happy here in the Bay. 

I don’t feel lost. I know myself pretty well and have a fairly clear picture of what I want. I just don’t know how to get from where I am right now to where I want to be. I am in the awful, horrible liminal phase when you've outgrown one life and haven't yet been found by your next one. And all the hard work I'm doing (working on my creative projects, attending hobbies and classes, therapy, writing gratitude lists, going to the gym) does not seem to be working. It's been years.

For people who have gone through a long transitional period: how did you know when it was best to keep waiting/working on yourself versus when it was time to make a major change (even without certainty or a clear direction to go)? 

Did your eventual next chapter come from deliberately choosing something, or did an opportunity/person/place eventually give you a clear reason to move? Was waiting for the right opportunity the right move after all, or did you have to make a big drastic change in order for life to give you what you wanted?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who rebuilt their lives after breaking away from toxic dynamics and going through significant changes in their values, needs, and interests as a result.

Hi everyone! I did a deep dive into Thuy Trang's life and legacy for my podcast, and thought I'd share it here with you all.

My goal is always to use a respectful approach and to focus on the whole person, not just the tragedy.

I'd love to hear what Thuy's life and work meant to you as a fan!

I have finally learned the wonders of turning to Ajevie decants in order to test large drops! And I have a lot to share.

About my tastes: I adoreeeeeee creamy, woodsy, snuggly scents. Vanilla, honey, incense, cashmere, and sandalwood are my friends. I don't normally reach for florals, but sometimes they surprise me when they're light enough. Cherry and jasmine rarely work for me. Gourmands are welcome here (particularly nutty, sweet, creamy ones), although I've been trying to expand my palette lately. However, I can rarely pass up a good tea scent, and most tea scents are good to me.

I am also the self-appointed blackberry fiend of IMAM. I loooove (eating and) smelling like blackberries. That's not relevant to this review, but I like sharing that, heehee.

Here we gooooo:

Chust Your Doggie (A warm slab of Kirschenmichel served with a cup of blue chamomile tea): Well, this appealed to a lot of my sensibilities. Bread pudding. Chamomile tea. Dogs!! I really wanted to like this one. It sounded comforting. I almost took it out of my cart when I looked up the bread pudding in question and saw it had a "boozy cherry flavor", as cherry often goes medicinal on me. But...dogs. Bread. Chamomile tea. I kept it in my cart.

Unfortunately...it smelled like a very soothing cough drop. I'll say it was very well-blended, and it was giving "kindly medicinal witch of the Alps soothes you while you recover in her hut from a bad cough you picked up while hiking in the mountains" vibes. But alas, I do not want to smell like medicine. I think on someone else's skin it could smell like a lovely comforting and warm kitchen during a Spring sunset.

1/5 sniffies

Blissful Relaxation (Cardamom, bourbon cream, white sandalwood, and incense): This is very pleasant. BPAL is very good with a cardamom scent. I personally love sandalwood and incense together, so this seemed like an obvious choice to me. Perhaps I have too many scents of that combo at this point, because while this scent is perfectly lovely, it doesn't really stand out to me. Also...there is something almost fruity here. Almost banana-like. It's very faint, but ultimately a bit "off" to me.

2.5/5 sniffies

By Candlelight (Beeswax, wildflower honey, copal resin, vanilla bean, balsam, and frankincense): This is lovely. Expertly blended, beautifully rich and deep notes. The honey is divine, the beeswax and resin are soft, and the vanilla and frankincense keep it grounded. It's the ultimate soft, snuggly, slightly sensual, come closer scent.

Here's the thing - it smells exactly like Haus of Gloi's By Candlelight (yes, same name, and one of my personal holy grail scents), and that scent is less expensive and tends to appear perennially. Do with that information what you will! If that didn't exist, I'd buy multiple bottles of BPAL's version. Fortunately, I've got my HofG to do the job.

5/5 sniffies

Rose Milk Tea (An impossibly sweet concoction of green tea and frothed almond milk poured over fresh rose petals and glistening tapioca pearls): This starts off as a very loud ROSE bomb, but quickly dries down to a much smoother scent. I can pick up green milk tea in the background, but the rose really is the dominant note here. I've always felt that BPAL's rose note is verrrry strong, but it could also be my particular skin chemistry, as I've noticed most rose-tinged scents, regardless of house, often become a one-note ROSE perfume on me. I'm glad this one mellows out enough for me to pick up on the rest of the blend, but I don't think I'll need to FS.

3.5/5 sniffies

Honey Milk Tea Boba - I smell thick, goopy honey, which happens to me a lot with BPAL. Like their rose note, I think their honey note is stroooong. I do also get...something else. I think it's the boba? It's slightly rubbery. It smells like honeyed tires. It kind of mellows out on dry down so it's not completely rubbery or offensive, but on me this really just becomes a one-note honey scent with a weird sharp edge peeking out, unfortunately.

2/5 sniffies

Spring's First Bloom (Cherry blossoms, plum blossoms, and pink lotus petals floating in sweet, sugared cream) - This one is pleasant! I get something fruity here, maybe the plum blossoms. Overall it's a nice, light, spring scent. I don't get too much sugar or cream here, it's mostly a delicate mix of fruit and floral. Perfectly nice, but I won't need to FS. But I'll recommend it!

3.75/5 sniffies

Colors of Spring (White musk, cherry blossoms, plum blossoms, lilac petals, and white tea) - Oh no. Instant cheap pink grocery store bathroom soap...Why?? I don't know why. It should have been lovely. But it's generic soap only. Scrubbed pretty quickly.

0/5 sniffies

Apricot Vulva (Apricot, cream musk, bourbon vanilla, and golden bergamot) - Fizzy! Fizzy fruity drink! If apricot is the star, bergamot is the anchor here (I think BPAL has a fantastic bergamot note). The apricot is soft and creamy, but the bergamot keeps it bright, sunny, and fresh. I tend to love BPAL's [insert fruit here] + vulva scents, so this doesn't surprise me, but it's actually better than I expected. It really smells like a refreshing sparkling fruit-ade. "Bright" and "summery" are good words to describe this one. I may FS!

5/5 sniffies

Lilac-Draped Vulva (Lilac-soaked amber cream, orris root, blue lotus absolute, white sandalwood, and purple yam.) - Lilac is my favorite color. I love the lilac plant. Often, lilac in perfumes tends to go soapy on me, but I still had to try this one. The lilac initially did start to lean soap-y on my skin, but then...the amber cream, sandalwood, and yam came in and softened it all out. Like putting a soft, warm blanket on a crying baby until it mercifully goes to sleep. The yam is pretty noticeable, almost tipping this one into gourmand territory, but not quite. I'll have to let this one rest and keep testing it, but right now I like how it's a creamy, grounded, almost food-y lilac. If the soapiness continues to mellow out, I will likely FS this one.

4.5/5 sniffies

Chestnut Vulva (Sweet chestnut, vanilla cashmere, toasted cardamom, and caramel) - Oookkkay. Is this the sweet nutty scent of my dreams? It might just be! It's lightly toasted, definitely nutty, plenty sweet but not overwhelmingly so. The only issue for me could be the caramel, as that sometimes amps very strong on my skin, but so far the toasted nut is the strongest note! As it dries down it becomes smoother and softer. I know I should let this rest and test it a few more times to make sure it's as great as it seems, but for now, I'm giving it:

5/5 sniffies

Let it be known I also have a decant of The Elephant is Slow to Mate. I had heard overwhelmingly good things about this one from a previous release, and didn't really check the notes. Imagine my despair when, upon opening the sample, a huge poof of CHERRY COUGH DROP attacked me :/ I'm too scared to try it. But maybe I will, one day. I see it has a blackberry note...why is my greatest ally and greatest enemy in the same scent together?!

Well, that's all for today, friends. Curious about your luper hauls! Any standouts or disappointments?