u/smellybassist

I play guitar in a band, we usually practice twice a week. I’ve always got on with my drummer but we’ve never been to close until a few weeks back, when we started hanging out one on one. Somehow the topic of casual sex was brought up and I ended the night at her place. At first she wasn’t sure if it was something we should do again and she gave me many mixed signals (ranging from mildly insulting aspects of my appearance to asking if she could come over and cuddle). Things have stabilised more recently, we hang out, sometimes we have sex, we go to parties together and we message everyday.

When we first started all of this, she was explicit that it would never lead to anything serious and every time we did something would be “the last time anything like this happens”, that I’m not really her type, that my face is funny but I have nice hair and so on. This then changed to I am exactly her type, my face is still funny but it’s really nice, she tells me when I look good, when I smell good, that I will make somebody so happy one day. She wants to be ingrained in my world and wants my friends to be her friends too.

She went away for her dad’s wedding for a few days, I expressed to her that I missed her and she returned the feeling. I saw her a couple of days after and she admitted to me that she had realised through missing me that she had feelings for me, but they were small, and she would get over them. I told her that I had feelings too and whatever she wanted was fine.

A couple of nights ago, she comes over and we’re watching TV cuddled up. Eventually, I ask her about the feelings she has for me. She cries, telling me that I am the most for her person that she has ever met and how much she thinks the current situation sucks because she knows I’d be good to her and I would make her happy and it would be fun but she doesn’t like how jealous she gets in a relationship and mentions a bad situationship she’s brought up before (he pretended to have feelings for her to keep having sex with her, she was cautious about this with me at first but has since decided she doesn’t need to worry about this with me). It went on like this for a while. Eventually she left my house to go to hers and to sleep. She messaged me when she got home to say she would’ve spent the night but she didn’t have her skincare. She then tells me that she smells like me and she’ll be thinking of me and things I’ve said to her as she sleeps. I tell her I often think of her and how when I watch her scent on my pillows my head becomes empty and I can be still. She liked this. She says she’s been writing about me.

That last part was especially touching to me because this girl’s usually hard as nails, constantly ribbing me, which makes the tender moments feel even more alive. We’ve shared past traumas with each other and comforted one another in quiet moments, making small declarations and all sorts. “The last time” never comes, the date is always pushed back. The only bit of pushback was when she came over to have sex after being out one night, she told me she’d made out with two girls at the club as we were getting undressed. I asked her why she hasn’t gone home with them, she said because she couldn’t stop thinking of me and because kissing them was just something to kill the time. She asks if I’m upset and I tell her to forget about it. We speak about it again after sex and I admit I was hurt, she says she’s sorry and that it meant nothing and it’s why she’s here now and that what we have is so intense that she doesn’t need more, she was just killing time. I believe her on this. She admits she’d be upset if I did that and she won’t do it anymore.

But I’m moving out of my uni house over summer in 4 days time. I see her again briefly in July for a concert in my home town I got us tickets for, then not again until I move into my new place in September and she into hers.

I feel like I’ve received super mixed signals from her, which is already confusing as I’m autistic. My friends think she’s crazy and no good, but I know her better, she just has a hard shell, I’ve seen under it and I really do love it.

I guess I’m just wondering what to do now? Do I just let it fizzle out? Do I lay it all down for her with the true depth of how I feel?