u/somethingtosay9

When people used to ask me if I wanted kids, my reply was “if I have a clock, it isn’t going off.” I never had baby fever. Having a child was a logical rather than emotional choice for me. That said I always also said “max of two.” And I think while I was open to having one it wasn’t an avenue I fully considered. My daughter is almost two. I feel like everyone around us with a kid her age is already pregnant again or planning to be. Meanwhile most of my circle is childfree and even single. I’ve been thinking lately that having one kiddo is sort of the perfect in between in that I probably relate more to my childfree friends than people that want 3+ kids 🤔

It’s interesting because I keep reading on this and other OAD subs about this intense urge to have the first child and then not again. What about those who didn’t feel that urge in the first place?

I was on a work call the other day where one of my colleagues asked about my almost 2 year old daughter. Later in the conversation I mentioned that I also have a puppy. It was then that they felt the need to be like “wow, you really take on a lot dont you? Most people wait until their kids are 5 or 6 before getting a dog.”

My response in that moment was “well plenty of people already have a second human child by the time their first turns 2. I figured I could handle a puppy…”

I will add that before I was a human mom I was a dog and cat mom. Our dog passed when my daughter was 10 months old, and we missed her a lot. We fostered puppies until we found the right fit. Is it sometimes like having two toddlers? Yes absolutely lol. But I have to wonder if I’d have been hit with the same reaction/sentiment if I told them I had a newborn or was pregnant again 🤔

Let me preface with the fact that I love my daughter dearly. But then I will fast follow to how frustrating she can be. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even cut out for parenting.

I went into this realizing she may be my only just given life (previous losses) and my age etc. And being ok with that. But part of me always assumed I’d have two.

Pregnancy was fine. Delivery was easy. But then came a horrendous post partum journey. Despite being term and healthy when she was born… she was a grouchy spit fire. She screamed most of the night the first night in the hospital, was generally grouchy and unpleasant as a newborn, subject us to weeks of witching hours MULTIPLE — with noises so loud that she frequently set off my Apple Watch. We had no real outside help and my husband went back to work after a few days because we staggered our leaves (made so much sense at the time, in hindsight what a mistake). I remember googling how my babies cry and concluding she was on the high end of the normal range but still normal…

At any rate — I was so sleep deprived with my fomo baby that I would try to soothe for hours every night who didn’t sleep through the night for almost a year and having done 99% of the overnights… that I would actually hallucinate during post partum. Frequently actually.

To be fair I struggle with anxiety in general. I am your classic overachieving millennial who was told to get the degrees and the career and always be self-sufficient. But having a newborn destroyed me. Scariest thing I’ve ever done (looking back I’m sure PPA played a role and I’ve since been medicated)

I tried a number of things during these dark days like eliminating dairy to no avail. Never got a diagnosis. Still feel guilty. Still have some level of legitimate PTSD. Meanwhile the whole world was giving me unsolicited feedback, zero grace, and praising my husband for literally sticking around.

Things slowly got better — but after the newborn that wouldn’t sleep came the toddler that wouldn’t eat… was never still… was always on the go… running, climbing, about to eat gravel. Basically feral lol.

And it’s exhausting. Relentless.

A couple we know with a little one this age is expecting their second in September. The mom also shared what a good eater he is and now he never cried.

What a WILDLY different experience.

Also - to those of you with medically complicated otherwise special needs kiddos. You are my heroes. Parenting a healthy toddler is the hardest thing I’ve ever done! 😱

Yall

Even if I wanted another (still figuring that out on some level)… I find the sheer logistics of another child daunting. Double the childcare… double the car seats… double the meltdowns… double the feeding battles… appointments… extracurriculars 😱

I have friends who say your capacity expands. But as a working mom that often feels like she’s surviving rather than thriving with a 2yo, more kids just has to multiply the chaos right? To me it sounds like so much juggling.

Hi all I did ancestry years ago. Once in a blue moon I hop in there to see how the geographic regions have updated. This time I saw what I had dismissed as likely to be a distant cousin before… a stranger sandwiched right between my grandfather and my aunt. 27% match. Suspected half sister or aunt (unlikely). This led me down the rabbit hole, remembering my dad somewhat joking about being a sperm donor in college. I did some snooping and she was born to older parents in that same city. So it makes a lot of sense — I’m guessing they struggled with fertility and went to a sperm bank.

She is 5 years older than I am… located on the polar opposite side of the country… and as far as I can tell, the father who raised her has died.

I am on the fence about telling anyone, including my dad at the moment. Just feels weird I guess?

At the same time, part of me wants to make a connection to this sibling I didn’t know I had. I also don’t want to be the reason she finds out her father wasn’t her biological father if I’m right. This makes me not want to make the first move.

I assume she too would see my name and “suggested half sister” next to it…

Conflicted!

Hi all — I am a mom of an almost 2yo girl. She is the light of my life. She is also exhausting lol. I was a fence sitter for a long time - someone who didn’t have a bio clock and never experienced baby fever (until shortly after I had one and took more notice!). My first two pregnancies were ectopic so I did some soul searching to determine whether I wanted to make the leap. And here we are. Pregnancy and delivery were easy for me but the newborn phase kicked my ass. I went into all of this wanting to be open… knowing that while society programmed me to think two kids… there are no guarantees especially having the first at 35 (and having ZERO desire for 2 under 2). I’ve been so conflicted on whether to have another when one has already felt like enough (read SO MUCH — my kid is a climber and so smart and never still!). Now that I am almost positive I’m OAD, I feel a weight has been lifted. I don’t know that my anxiety can handle another kiddo. My husband and I both have careers and don’t want to stay home. Wed also like to travel. Doting on our one and only feels like the best of both worlds. Remnants of the dink life we used to love but not missing out on the memories with a little one. Feeling very at peace and happy to find this community!

Hi all. As the title says, new to the sub and would love some community and perspective!

For the longest time I was a fence sitter. And then a dink. I have never had true baby fever. When people used to ask if I wanted kids I said “If I have a clock, it isn’t going off.”

Fast forward to early to mid 30s. Married and open to it. Got pregnant for the first time — ended up being ectopic. Took that time to really think on what I wanted and read “The Baby Decision.” Ultimately decided I did want at least one (for which she made a compelling case honestly). After a second ectopic and a tube removal, my one arrived. Perfect and healthy and?! Incredibly hard. Screamed and cried so much that I googled what was normal… got noise level warnings from my Apple Watch. Day after day. Hated sleeping. Eventually we made it through but I still probably have some level of ptsd. She is approaching 2yo and is healthy, mostly happy, and utterly fearless/always on the go. I love her to bits but I find modern parenting exhausting and very anxiety inducing. That said… in my mind I’ve always thought “max of two.” In fact, when my daughter was first born I was consumed with what to keep that I may use again. So much so that I had to tell myself to be present.

Fast forward yet again and she is almost 2. Tonight I had a fight with my husband (who has NOT been a big fan of baby or toddlerhood 🙄) and he said he absolutely doesn’t want another baby. He was an only child and felt that was the ideal. As annoyed as I’ve been with him and wanting to wait until we are in a better place/on the fence myself… I feel some sorta way with him making a decision for me. I am 37 so know I have some time. But still. I feel like society has me programmed to want more than one, and so few people (that I know) intentionally have just one… that I’m conflicted. And looking for reassurance I guess?

I’ll add that it was hard for me to be excited about my pregnancy after two losses. I didn’t trust it. Then when I was finally letting my guard down, my fur baby got a cancer diagnosis. I spent the last month of pregnancy incredibly sad over that and then had an objectively hard newborn. I think part of me wants a do-over for these reasons. Maybe I hope it would be healing to be excited about a pregnancy and to approach the newborn phase with experience and confidence? I feel like I got somewhat cheated. I know these aren’t the right reasons to have another but just wanting to vent a little.

Thanks for reading