u/ssaiko_kandy

Forgive my mobile formatting.

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It's a lot to read, dad... But I am in so much pain.

I feel so alone.

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I lost my best friend. I lost my love. I lost my future. I lost my goals.

It's all gone.

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It was a slow burn relationship. It was also my first. Over the years, we had built something I began to value dearly. We initially became close friends because of hobbies. As time went on, we trusted and value each other as people, creating a strong bond.

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That blossomed into romance. I would get to experience a future with my best friend at my side. We traveled through many states and experienced beautiful aspects of life as partners. I saw sights I had only seen on screens. Beautiful drives through the mountains while the sun was setting. Listening to the most serene songs that I can no longer bear to hear. Kissing at every stop light. Holding hands at every opportunity. He even would hold me at night, on the verge of tears because he was so grateful that he held the opportunity to make me feel so safe. He told me time and time again I was the love of his life. He made me feel desired. Before we started dating, he would even call me his wife. That would remain a constant through our relationship.

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Words simply cannot explain what we had, dad.

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I paid close attention to his memories. I felt connected to those he was close with, though I did not know them. I fell in love because of how caring, determined, and intellectual he was. I wanted to be the kind of partner he could lean on because I knew he deserved that sort of loyalty.

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From the very start of our romantic relationship, we planned a future together. Things such as living arrangements, what our goals were, when and what our marriage would be like, and future children. These are serious topics, but we truly saw ourselves sharing a life together. We shared similar philosophies, and made communication a priority. We never argued because we prioritized our relationship over our problems.

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He was quickly loved by my family. They always asked when he would stop by again. For my part, I did my utmost to push him forward in his life. I researched racing schools, looked for his career opportunities, took him to his first motorsports event, and I even spoke in person with actual racing drivers in order to promote him. I did everything I could for him and wanted to push him to his goals.

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I bought gifts for him. I bought flowers. I loved loudly, as well as quietly. I would caress his hair and face in the night, singing him lullabies. I would jump into his arms to kiss him after a hard day. I'd call him any time just to speak. I cooked his favorite foods because it made him happy. I delved into interests that weren't mine, just so he could talk to someone about them. I lovingly scrubbed his body every time I had the opportunity. I learned how to please him well. I always communicated. I was an avid believer in never going to bed angry. It was always us against the problem, not each other. Communication was always key.

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I did all of this sincerely, simply because I loved who he was and wanted to make sure he knew it. I used to send him big care packages, because every time something reminded me of him, I got it. Presents are so exciting, so I did my best to make him excited. I wanted our love to stay exciting.

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It's hard to put in words the amount of respect I had for him.

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He pushed me to be the best person I could be, and I worked hard to do the same for him.

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Thousands of hours of calls. Tens of thousands more texts. Sleeping on call each night, if we weren't together in person. I did absolutely everything I could to be the best girlfriend possible. He was one of the few people I felt safe enough to be myself with. It felt like he'd always be constant.

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He would come to me about problems in his life, many I’d help him solve. He would cry on my chest, saying I made him the happiest he had ever been. His vulnerability made me feel special. Like I was helping. When he would cry, I had the opportunity to be his comfort. He would fall asleep on top of me after I wiped his tears. I would kiss his hair as he did.

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Let's call him W.

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W and I had plans for him to move in with me at the end of the year. Stuff happened and we went from having ten months to plan for that, to three weeks. He suggested he move in with me early. I was excited to welcome him, but I repeatedly asked if he was really ready for it. It was a big step. He insisted, and so the process of moving him in with me was under way. We began to make serious preparations.

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I wanted W to feel comfortable in his new home with me. I purchased furniture. An extra fan, an air purifier, mini fridges, a wardrobe, a place to hang his shoes, an array of allergy medicines, etcetera. I stocked the fridge with his favorite foods. My place was small but I made room. I officially added him to my lease. I asked his sister to put together a care package that all of his family could add to. I wanted W to feel all of their safety and support, especially after such a big move.

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As I was preparing for him, other things were happening without my knowledge. It took a few weeks to learn everything that happened, but I will lay it all out for you in chronological order.

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In January of this year, W met another woman online. He met her through videogames, in a conversation that closely mirrored how he and I began talking. She asked him to teach her how to play the videogame, to which he obliged. From there, they became friends and shared aspects of their lives with each other.

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This woman is named "S" (and coincidentally shares a name with my cat 🙃). S is a single mother, who is 13 years older than me and lives in a state between the two of us. She shared a very similar difficult upbringing to mine, and unfortunately has a history of being mistreated in past relationships. This includes being cheated on by a man she loved dearly. She has two teenage kids, and confided in my lover that she would like to have more. Her kids live with their abusive father in a different state. Every few months, she makes a trip to go see them.

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W visited me in February. We had what I believed was an amazing time together, as we always did. At this point in time, I was unaware of S's existence. I personally did not mind him having female friends, because at the time I trusted his enforcement of boundaries. Still, because we had a history of clear communication, I was shocked to learn that by the time he stayed with her during the trip to move in, they had already met before.

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In late February, early March of this year, S had decided that she wanted to meet W in person while on her trip to go see her kids. According to W, he was just "one of the girls" at this time. S intentionally altered her driving course and stopped at a hotel in his town. Despite knowing he was in a committed relationship, she invited him to have dinner with her. He accepted, picked her up from her hotel, took her to a restaurant, and dropped her back off without informing me.

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I would not have had an issue with this if I would have known, but unfortunately W did not see it a priority to inform me that he was having dinner with another woman. From here, their relationship deepened.. W refused to elaborate just how deep it got in certain aspects, but I managed to accumulate enough details to understand the true gravity of the situation.

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In the third week of that month, W and I started planning the route from his state to mine. It was a very, very long drive and I wanted him to stay safe. I researched halfway points and suggested places he could stay. W countered with a sudden realization, suggesting he stay with a friend in a different state named S. At the time, I didn't know who that was.

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When I asked him to elaborate who she was, he admitted he had not informed me of her. He had known her for a couple months at that point. At first, I felt slightly hurt because I usually told him each time I became friends with a man. Not because I had to, but just to establish trust. So, I was a bit surprised he did not follow suit. I also wasn't exactly fond of him staying the night at another woman's place. Still, I pushed it out of mind and felt happy that W could save money and hang out with a friend on such a large and important trip. I trusted him and he deserved it. So, I agreed that it was a good idea and suggested he go.

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With that, I suggested he download a GPS tracking app called Life360, purely so I could feel more excited as I watched him get closer to me. He was initially reluctant because he did not like the app tracking his moves and data, but eventually agreed to download it. So, throughout the trip we talked, texted, and gave each other company as he made the long drive. I asked W to send me S's address for safety purposes, which he did. When he arrived at her house, I asked how he would handle it S if tried anything weird. He simply said that he wouldn't entertain her, and would leave. That was enough to reassure me. Unfortunately, he would not really stay true to his word.

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Once he got to her place, he turned his location off. I understand the need for privacy, but I also felt unsure why he felt the need to prevent me from seeing where he would go while with another lady. Then, for the next few hours, he did not reach out. No calls or texts. At the time, this was incredibly unusual. No updates, no communication. The only text I got that night was a goodnight text. I tried not to mind since he did just make a large drive and likely needed the peace.

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The next day was similar. He remained mostly unreachable. I figured he was again busy. In the meantime, I spent that morning and evening preparing for his arrival which would have been the following day. Late in the afternoon, he sends an apology for not responding. He says he was having a great time but was thinking of me. He lets me know what he did that day: Went on a walk with S, went with her to a restaurant, then went to a lake with her. Afterwards, they watched a movie together at her house.

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Though I did my best to stay supportive, I began to feel uneasy because those were activities that many couples would do. Regardless, I thought I was overreacting. I could trust him. I had for years. I felt happy that at least he was going to be with me the following day.

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Except, he wasn't.

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At the end of the night, he had asked if he could stay there an extra day. I felt conflicted. I wanted him to be happy, but I was also feeling uneasy about the situation. At this point I made it clear that I wasn't exactly on board with that idea, stating that while I wanted him to have fun, I was also looking forward to seeing him the next day. I said that, ultimately, I couldn't make the decision for him, as I strongly felt that he should drive here, but at the same time I did not want to sacrifice his enjoyment. So, he made the decision himself. He, at the end of the day, chose to stay.

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That next day was similar to the last one. No texts or updates for several hours, until the end of that night.

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The following day was when, unfortunately, a lot of things happened. After two days of staying there, he leaves back on his trip to see me. S walked him down to his car, crying. These are direct quotes, according to W.

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"I want you to stay here with me," she says. "I don't want you to leave. I'm scared to lose you, W... and you're not even mine to lose... I love you, W."

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"...I love you, too, S," he says.

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And with that, he leaves her. According to him, they shared no physical intimacy. She only said that because she didn't expect to contact him again, let alone see him. Unfortunately, she felt the need to express love for someone she knew was already taken. I feel what she did was unfortunately irresponsible, and only muddled the feelings of both parties instead of relieving them.

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Alas, they stayed in contact. She texted him. While I was waiting to welcome him into the home I prepared, the two of them were actively discussing a shared future. Him meeting her teenagers. How she wanted more kids. Them traveling together. All the while he was coming up to see me, his girlfriend and best friend. All unbeknownst to me. Because I was simply waiting for him, excited that I will not have to miss him anymore.

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She eventually tells him to tell me about them, because I “deserved to know the truth about them.”

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From there, the trip to me was quite emotional for W. He cried the entire way. He felt internal conflict over our relationship, his connection with S, getting his finances in order, and the stress of organizing his affairs in my state. And unfortunately, he was also feeling conflicted about the move itself. As well as just conflicted with who he was. He ultimately decided to continue. Once he arrived, he thought he would be able to figure out each problem one-by-one and focus on a future with me.

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According to W, he planned to tell me about S in his own time. He wanted to tell me, support each other, and go forward with our life together. Unfortunately, that didn't happen because I began to question things before he was ready to confront them.

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When W arrived, I obviously felt very excited. We got passionate quickly. However, I noticed something was off afterwards. I didn't make note of it, but my mind had flagged that his eyes were a little red. W was staring into space. I half jokingly asked if he was okay, but then I saw him gulp. I quickly shifted our positions and held him. He cried.

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W had something on his chest that he wanted to tell me, but couldn't formulate the words for. It was very obvious that it was bothering him deeply. He said he was feeling the worst he had ever felt. So, I suggested he take some time to write them out. A day later, he presented me with a letter stating that he wanted to go back to his home because of how overwhelmed he was. He said he didn't feel ready.

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I felt unhappy with this information, but did my best to hold it together for us, expressing my support and my desire for him to be happy. However, I did end up getting emotional myself, because I felt confused as to why he had decided to go through with all the preparations if he wasn't ready to arrive here. We spoke about it further, and came to a conclusive decision that he would give it a two month trial to see if it was for him. That way we would get a return out of our financial and emotional investment that we put into the move. If he didn't like it, then we knew we at least tried.

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From there, over the course of a week, I planned a surprise date for him at one of downtowns main attractions so that he could feel better. It was a very nice river with many shops and restaurants nearby. I planned for us to grab food, walk it, and enjoy our surroundings together. I knew he had a wonderful time in the other state, so I wanted to make his time here even better. I wanted him to feel better. To feel less stress. I planned the date for Saturday.

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Thursday night, we watched a movie together. I noticed his attention was divided between the movie and his phone. When I glanced at his phone, I saw that he was texting S. S was sending him heart emojis. I tried to ignore it. Maybe some people do that without thinking if the emotional connotations? But admittedly it scared me. Friday afternoon, as I was driving myself from work, I had gotten emotional over it. I got home. I brought up to W that I had noticed the text message, and said that while I wanted to respect their friendship, I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I asked W to establish boundaries. W agreed, saying he would feel the same way if the roles were reversed, and promised to set those boundaries. With that, I felt happy and heard. That night I opened Life360, and noticed that his profile said he had logged off. No big deal. I uninstalled it as well.

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Saturday comes. It was a great day. We ate, enjoyed our time downtown, and took very nice pictures with each other. The atmosphere was perfect, the sky was blue. We walked and talked for hours until the sun had begun to set. Then, we went home, and again watched a movie together. Once more, I noticed his attention was divided. When I glanced at his phone, I noticed he had reinstalled Life360 and was looking at the map. I found that odd, because we were right next to each other, so he had no reason to reinstall it. So, I paused the movie and I asked who he was sharing his live tracking with. He hesitated. After a few moments, he showed me his phone. It was S. He had reinstalled the app to share their location with each other. He uninstalled it when it came to me, but decided to reinstall it for her. I felt very hurt, because just the day prior I had asked him to set boundaries and he said he understood.

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Then, from there, I learned the true extent of how their relationship went. For the course of a couple hours, I asked some very hard questions. Many of them he was unfortunately unable to answer, or simply stayed quiet for. For many, he stared into space. I asked him to explain not wanting Life360 tracking with me, his girlfriend, but wanting it with S. He did not answer.

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Eventually, I asked if they exchanged deeper connections, such as an "I love you." He shakes his head no. More questions go by. Less answers.

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Then, I ask if he thinks that he cheated on me.

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Several moments go by, but eventually he nods his head yes. He is quiet and unable to look at me.

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I felt my world crash. Still, I asked again, "Did you two say I love you?" He stays still, but then slowly nods his head yes. He admits he loved her and did not regret her. But he did regret meeting her, as well as the way everything went down. Per his words, “The wrong thing happened at the wrong time and I didn't prevent it.”

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Despite my mounting emotions and growing confusion, I did my best to sit still and speak calmly. I wanted W to feel comfortable with telling me anything, especially something as serious as this. Since the cat was out of the bag, I asked if I could at least see the messages they shared. He refused and clutched onto his phone. This was very unlike him. I tried to negotiate. I offered my phone, saying he could go through it, but he refused. He knew I had nothing to hide. I asked again and again, but he was adamant that I did not see the messages they sent one another. He said what they had sent was embarrassing. I felt confused and hurt as to why he continued to hide what was happening if I had figured it all out. After all, we made it a priority to always communicate and be honest. The way he was acting was not something I had seen before and it was deeply hurtful that he was still hiding things.

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It was midnight. It was late. I felt unsure as to what to do. Ultimately, I gave W an ultimatum. He would have to choose between the mistress and myself. I told him I would give him thirty minutes, and if he decided to choose her, then I would be there to help him pack his belongings. I thought it would have been an easy choice for him. After all, we shared a plethora of deep memories. Seeing gorgeous sights, eating delicious food, spending time getting to know each other's interests, and supporting one another for a very long time. I couldn't see her giving him anything I had not given him before. In the past, I had voluntarily terminated a long-term platonic friendship with a male friend solely to ensure W felt secure and that he could trust me. It seemed logical to me at the time, to conclude he would choose me. Given that W had only known S for five or six weeks at that point, I expected a decision from him that had certainty.

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When I gave W the ultimatum, I gave him space and went to my car. I felt like I was in a nightmare. I felt my ENTIRE world... My ENTIRE HEART... Crash!! Everything. It wasn't real, it couldn't have been real. This wasn't possible. Not him. Not this man. Why? Why me? What's going on? This isn't real. He would never hurt me like this. I feel dizzy. I want to throw up. I'm screaming in my car. I'm crying. I'm listening to heavy metal. I'm calling people. I'm crashing out because I felt like it was in a true, impossible nightmare. I was in absolute confusion and disbelief.

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When the time expired, I instantly sucked it all in and got calm. I walked back into my house, half expecting W's belongings to be in the living room. They were not, which I thought was a good sign. I enter the room.

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W is silent. He is on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. He stares into nothing. I wanted to comfort him and extend warmth, but this was a serious situation. So I asked him what his decision was. He stays silent, again, for many seconds, until he eventually states, "I think I need to go home now.” I told him if that's what he wanted, then that was okay and I would help him collect his things. However, I still needed a proper answer from him. Who did he choose? He stays quiet once more and does not answer.

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After a few minutes, I cut the silence. It was so painful for me. Why wasn't this an easy choice? His pain was making me hurt for different reasons. Though I was putting on a strong face, I did still want him to stay and talk to me about what was happening. I still felt maybe we could work through it. I chose to extend the ultimatum by an extra day. I suggested that we both rest to avoid making permanent decisions while exhausted, and W agreed.

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I have always been an advocate for not going to bed angry. I lived those words throughout our entire relationship. When we had a problem, we talked it out and did our best to make each other feel loved. Despite what W did, I still felt that way. I loved him more than the pain he had caused me. That night though, I felt sad because I couldn't just make the problem go away and say that it will be okay. It weighed on both of us. I extended just a mere foot to let him know I was still there for him, but the effort was not reciprocated.

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That night, though I laid down, I barely slept. Early in the waking hours, I decided to message S myself. I introduced myself with a civil and cordial approach, ultimately trying to appeal to her senses. I tried to gain sympathy. She knew what this situation felt like. She had gone through it herself, and it does not feel nice. I asked her to, respectfully, cut her ties with W, because it was hard for him to do himself. After that message, I caught maybe two hours of sleep.

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When I woke up, W was already awake. I checked my phone, and saw that S had messaged me back. She apologized for causing me pain, and said she simply was not expecting to fall in love with W considering how much younger he was than her. She explained how great he was. She sympathized with me, saying she knew what it was like being in my situation. She had loved a man for 5 years, only for him to cheat on her. So, with that, I once again tried to appeal to her and I asked her to carefully end her relationship with W in a way that wouldn't break him.

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Some time after, W let her know about the ultimatum. She brings up how I contacted her. He asked her what her (the mistress) thoughts were on the situation. He asked her what he should do. He said that I was the better person “on paper” because of everything I've done for him, but he still felt conflicted on who to choose. He asked her opinion on everything, instead of mine. He prioritized her words. He always asked her what she thought, even on matters that were supposed to be between the two of us.

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S proceeded to state,

"Do what your heart desires. But why go to her, if you know your heart desires me? Think of this: How come it took you both 5 years to build what we naturally had in just a few weeks?"

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When I learned those words, I felt sad. I viewed our long standing relationship as a great foundation. I did not understand why someone was trying to devalue what I held dearly, let alone take it away completely. I asked W if his heart was leading him to S. He slowly nodded and said yes. But he also tried to explain that he loves us both and does not see us as competition against one another.

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The conversations throughout the next couple of days were rough. Lots of tears between the two of us. I felt hurt, betrayed, and simply confused as to why he allowed something like that to happen at all, especially during such a crucial time. When I asked questions, he did not have the answers, and that stung. He could not answer what I thought were easy questions. He could not do what I thought were easy tasks. Things I thought we would have mutually done for each other.

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For years, I worked around thousands of men, but avoided each one. My heart was focused on W, so the thought that he was saying "I love you" to another person who knew about me, hurt very deeply. Still, I told him that, if he wanted to fix things, then we could. I remained willing to work through the betrayal if W committed to doing the same. After a time, he had agreed to make everything work. That night, I took the initiative to message S again. I confronted her about how she still tried to covertly guide W's heart, despite saying she was sorry to me. I told her she wasn't sorry, and it really hurt me. I told her that if she didn't do what she did, I would have had no problem being friends. I told her that he and I would fix things, and ultimately move past this situation. From there, I blocked her.

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I stayed home from work the next day.

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W cried into my arms saying I was the love of his life. His heart couldn't take the hurt and the pain he was going through. I suggested cutting contact with S permanently. He agreed that blocking her across all platforms was necessary to move forward. In order to do that, however, W requested privacy so that he may say his farewells.

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For 3 hours, 7:30a.m.-10:30a.m., W was messaging S and saying his goodbyes. I felt hurt, again, that it was taking so long to choose me, when I would have chosen him in a heartbeat. But, at the time, I figured that if 3 hours is what it took to dedicate himself to me meaningfully, then I would accept it. I slept on the couch, cried alone, and then just waited for his return.

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Unbeknownst to me, W reportedly attempted to end the contact, but S responded by sending him images of her self-harming her body. She said she did that because of what I told her. She told him she was sorry to me and that she became the very thing that hurt her. I don't know what else they talked about from there. He then opened the door. With puffy eyes, he says he blocked her. He promises that what's done is done with her, and they will not reestablish contact again. He then asks to lay with me on the couch, and cries.

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I proceeded to hold him in my arms and sing hushed lullabies to him for several minutes. I comforted him, soothed him, and caressed his hair. I told him it was going to be okay. We'll get through this. He agreed. I reassured him of my forgiveness. To say it frankly, I was comforting him over him finally cutting contact with the woman he cheated on me with. I was comforting him, though I was the one that needed reassurance. Unfortunately I would not receive that. But my heart hurts when he hurts. Out of the two of us, one of us had to be strong.

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From there, we began to pick up the pieces. We were going to move on. We went on dates. We explored my town. We watched movies again. We were able to finally talk about what happened without tears. We held each other as we discussed the problems and the solutions. I noticed that he would go on more drives by himself. But things felt like they were getting better. Unfortunately, that would not last long, either.

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Shortly thereafter, W informed me that he could no longer stay with me despite our plans, and would be leaving in a matter of days. He further requested a period of no-contact to "clear his head," a decision he felt necessary to process everything. He felt he had lost himself and didn't know who he was. I was concerned. I believed that rebuilding trust after emotional infidelity required consistent presence and positive shared experiences rather than distance. But despite my reservations and the anxiety, I ultimately realized that I could not change his mind. I decided that I would do my best to make the last few days together good.

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My heart grew concerned and sad, still. His stance on our future began to waver. My fears transitioned from being about what had happened, to being about what the future held for us. However, W repeatedly reassured me that we would be okay. He would hold me and console me, saying that I had no reason to be scared. We'd make it through. He told me to keep dreaming of the two of us.

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The time came a few days later for W to leave. We spent a lot of time together, and it was almost like nothing had ever happened. We smiled and laughed. We talked and cried. We stood in the doorway for about ten minutes, before I silently led him to his vehicle. I opened the door for him, and knelt beside him as he got ready. He held my face for a while, before eventually saying that he had to go. I closed the door for him, and as he left, I stood in the road and watched until I could no longer see his car.

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W had written me a letter before he left. In it, he said I "was a beautiful moment in his life." "We've given each other things we cannot take away and I think that's spectacular." "I'm sorry I can't be more reassuring, because I'm just as confused." "Keep dreaming of us. " "I always miss you." "I love you."

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I still felt a great amount of worry for what the future held. He called me a moment… I felt so alone. When we missed each other, we would always reach out. But now it was silence.

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For a long time, I gave endless effort to ensure he felt loved, heard, and special. We were mutually inseparable. We planned an elaborate future together. But, he had traded my love throughout five years, for someone he knew for five weeks.

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At this point in time, I was in limbo. I missed him, and I was worried, but I could not reach out. I wanted to respect his boundaries. In our entire relationship, our pace was on his time. He was the first to flirt, to suggest a relationship, and to say I love you. Him moving in was his idea, and it was one he suggested since the first time we met in person. All things I was thinking of already, but I wanted to respect how far he wanted to take all of it. Ultimately, I tried to respect the space he needed as well. Still, I worried. He was the one who made me feel safe, which made everything that happened ultimately very difficult to process.

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I was mostly worried he would go back on his word about never contacting S again. And, unfortunately my concern was, once again, correct.

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Eight days into our break, I noticed that W had added S back to his social media. I would check on an alternate account every few days just to deny my suspicions. He promised me he would never contact her again.

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My heart was struck with lightning.

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I ended up breaking our no-contact. I asked him where his priorities lied because he broke his promise to me and I was worried. I asked for clarification. From there, he proceeded to break up with me despite his words from days earlier. He said not to try to change his mind.

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When he broke up with me, he said that he only added her back so that he could check up on her and see how she was doing after everything that had happened. He didn't want her to do the unthinkable. He then said that he debated on also reaching out to me, his girlfriend at the time, but that he "had to think about his own headspace.”

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For weeks, I had been subject to what I never thought he would do to me. But after everything we had gone through together, we had agreed to at least be friends. He said he would not stay in contact with S after everything, but felt that he and I could still stay in each other's lives. Our memories together were transformative and important, and we did not want to let that go to waste. W then proceeded to say that it could be possible for us to rekindle as lovers, but that he ultimately did not want to give me false hope. So, in a sense, he had let me go, but not quite fully. Even after the breakup, I was still in limbo. I felt hope that a rekindling could be sought after.

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We went from mutually inseparable for years, to no-contact, to then sporadic surface level conversations. At first, I felt happy, but then I realized that it still did not sit right in my heart. He would not respond for hours on end, when just a couple of weeks ago he would scold me for taking too long to respond. In two weeks, we went from having a planned future to none at all. For years, we could chat about anything, but now it was still-waters. All the while, he still kept the woman he committed infidelity with close to him.

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I thought I would have felt better at least staying friends and being active in each other's social circles, but the reality of the situation became clear as I saw him continue to prioritize his connection with S. I realized that I could not be there as his friend if he let his mistress take the spot I worked very hard for and once deeply treasured.

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I asked to speak with him. I asked for a little of his time and for him to not leave me on read. I told him it may be best for us to cut contact, because his actions continued to hurt me and prove that I was not who I thought I was to him. All he simply said was that if I felt I needed to do it, then to just cut him off. He then proceeded to leave me on read for the entire night. Once again, I was very hurt. I did not understand why he was so willing to accept my pain after everything we had gone through. After all we had done.

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The next morning, he said that he was not thinking of us or our relationship and probably wouldn't for a long time.

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Those words were painful to bear. If I may be vulnerable for a moment, it felt quite unfair. All I had done was what W asked for throughout the years. We took the relationship at his pace. I did my best to be a good girlfriend and show fairness, compromise, and kindness. It took a long time for W and I to get to where we were, and letting him into my life in such a close way felt very intimate. I had never done that before, nor was I intending to before I met him. W was special to me and I wasn't intending to repeat any of this with anyone else. I did that because I fell for his great qualities and knew he was a good person to be around.

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When we started our relationship, I let him know that I date with intent and not to waste people's time like some may do in today's world. It was something we both had understood at the time. So I prioritized our happiness and working together as a couple. We worked through our issues. That's why what ended up happening left me so confused and ultimately betrayed. That's why I could not understand why it was so easy for him to let go, despite me offering solutions again and again. Unfortunately, I believe the guilt of his actions made it too much to bear being with me. He could not see my face without being reminded of his actions. There is also simply the possibility that the concept of commitment may have been too much for him despite our discussions. And he said that he just... Lost himself.

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Eventually, we got on the phone. We spoke for 5 hours. We spoke about what happened, our memories, our mistakes, what we wished would have gone better. It was a nice conversation all things considered, and I was grateful to have heard his voice one more time. It felt like we were almost old friends again.

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He told me he thinks he fell for S so hard because he felt she had a lot for him to learn from. She had it together as an older adult. He had his car bill and insurance, and was responsible, but lived with his parents. She was about to lose her home and had her own issues. I had a full time job, a car I made payments on, my own bills, cats, and a roof over my head that I had completely funded myself. I was the youngest out of all of them. Was that not together enough?

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He also said he fell for her because she was so nice. But I thought I was, too. She had a difficult upbringing, and so did I. There were times I got depressed, and admittedly sometimes it was a lot for him, but we talked about it. I just wanted to talk to him about things I could complain about and move on. He was my go-to. I thought that's what partners were supposed to be.

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He then coached me and told me how to move on from a break up. It hurt hearing that from him. The conversation between us came to an end. From there, we said our goodbyes through text for about an hour. We agreed that we wanted to check up on one another after some time. Maybe four or five months.

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I asked one final question, though. I admitted that, though I wanted to be there for him, I couldn't do it if he had decided to be with his mistress after everything that had happened. Did he see a future with the woman involved in the infidelity?

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W confirmed that he did, he just wasn't trying to navigate it at the moment.

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My heart hurt again. He confirmed that, despite the effort and love I had given, he chose the other woman over me. Despite the pain we both had gone through, despite what I myself had to go through, he was still accepting of his love for the mistress. Though I am hurt, unfortunately I cannot do much of any more for us. That is something that took a long time for me to realize.

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I hope we might one day be friends again. I recognize that we shared a unique connection that cannot be easily replaced. Ultimately, however, I am leaving that possibility entirely in W's hands. I have given everything I could to the relationship, and I accept that I cannot control his future choices.

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He was truly my best friend, dad. I wanted to share every positive moment of my life with him, and his presence was a source of great joy. It was even more of a joy to have had the privilege of putting a smile on his face. He was the person closest to me, which made the subsequent betrayal even more difficult to process, unfortunately.

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I lost my best friend. I lost my lover. I lost my future. I lost my goals. I lost my dreams. And the worst part, dad, is that I don't think it affects him like it does me. I don't think he misses me like I do with him. I think he feels fine. He was the one that made all of the mistakes, and yet I am the one that is hurting.

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I did everything I could and it wasn't enough to make him loyal like I was. It wasn't enough to make him stay. After years of talking about it, our future finally came. It was supposed to be happy. My entire house, every belonging and picture, all feels like a "before" and "after." I'm so hurt. I really loved him. The pain is so great and I can't deal with it. I cry to ears that have stopped themselves from my voice.

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Why was I not enough, dad?

Why did this happen, dad?

How do you love someone again after all of this?

Why am I the one hurting so bad when I'm not the one that made the mistakes?

Do you have any advice, dad?

Organizing and cleaning large garage - need decor ideas!

Cleaning out & organizing large garage - need decor ideas!

Would anyone like to do me?

Dad. I need a pick me up.

Good driving roads?

How to Survive After Infidelity?

Dad... The love of my life of 5 years cheated on me on his way to move in with me..

u/ssaiko_kandy

Organizing and cleaning large garage - need decor ideas!

Cleaning out &amp; organizing large garage - need decor ideas!

Would anyone like to do me?

Dad. I need a pick me up.

Good driving roads?

How to Survive After Infidelity?

Dad... The love of my life of 5 years cheated on me on his way to move in with me..

Cleaning out & organizing large garage - need decor ideas!