u/strawberrygirlmusic

My partner and I had tickets to the symphony. I had been looking forward to it all week. She usually has her meeting on Friday which she goes to religiously so it was especially nice to have a normal one.

She called me an hour before asking if she could go to her meeting, and if I’d be mad. I said I would be very disappointed, but if it’s absolutely necessary, and if she really needed to that she could go, but it’s still hurt.

She said she’d go. 30 minutes later she calls me and says she really needs to go. When I started sounding upset she just kept flip flopping. I said I wanted to go.

I feel very upset. I also feel like an awful person. Am I the asshole for making us go. I’d be fine if I’d even had a day’s warning but right before we’re about to go, after we’d hyped it up all week.

She was served an alchoholic drink when she ordered a mocktail last week, so she’s been worried.

I’m so stressed now. I’m scared that I just fucked everything up and am going to be the reason she drinks again. I feel like the evening is ruined anyway. I just wanted to have a normal night. She cancels last minute a lot.

Edit: She started to tear up at the train when she arrived so the evening was shot anyway and I took her to the meeting. I am extremely tired of this. She always does this when something good happens, I see her do it with other people too, she thinks she can get away with stuff if people are in good moods. This is more understandable but she does it with overspending and cigs and everything else.

I have an offer, but have some questions about privacy. I would prefer to have a separate work machine to do these tasks, that isn't tied because of the monitoring software. I have an older machine I could use, that is still capable. Is there anything particularly compute intensive, or is it just a webpage?

I gained an extra 15-20 lbs in the past year. I have been, honestly, very upset about this and have been working quite hard to diet and get the weight off. I have always struggled with this a bit. My whole family does. We're short and get low blood sugar easily.

My girlfriend is tall, and is naturally very thin. She struggles to even maintain, because she loses weight very easily.

I have an event coming up, and wanted to try on a dress that I thought I might be able to get back into. I did eventually (still too small, but it's progress that I'm in it), but when I tried with her I was still having trouble getting the zipper past, and felt very defeated. Right after I took it off, when I was visibly feeling very upset, she said

"I don't think the way you lose weight works for you." This made me extremely upset.

She's explained in the past that she thinks the way I lose weight is unorganized, and while talking after I got upset, she said that she think the way I go about losing weight is "flailing." She has said this to some affect multiple times. She says this because I don't count calories (I don't). I have gotten upset every time and told her not to say this, but she continues to say it when this comes up.

I find this incredibly conceited, and find the timing of her comments to very hurtful. I have lost weight. I do not track calories very specifically, but do have a general idea every day, and have been successful at losing 40+lbs in the past, and I have told her that.

Is it reasonable that her comments / opinions make me extremely upset? Is that comment in that moment incredibly callous? We are both on the spectrum, but miss slightly different social things.

The amount of breathless constant advertising and coverage of AI, with no profit yet, is what makes
me sure this is a bubble. Actual technological revolutions don’t take this much selling. the value is apparent. They’ve crammed it into literally everything and yet the adoption rate is low and the money just isn’t there.

Useful tools are adopted quickly. Workers like things that make their lives easier. That there needs to be a quota on usage shows that this stuff is a fad.

I just hate myself. It’s overwhelming to put in words. Walking down the street today, I was wearing an outfit I used to like, but I gained about 10 lbs and I can just feel my stomach, and I see pity on people faces when they pass by, and judgement from the people around me. I can’t put my finger on exactly what but something about the combination I have put on is wrong and people around me are noticing. That’s the thought pattern anyway. I felt so uncomfortable, I had to go back inside and change. I ended up not staying out. 

The rest of the day I was trying to get work done. I’m a freelancer, and very underemployed right now, so I’m trying to apply to jobs and get personal projects done, and practice art . I have a personal project I'm trying to work on it but I’m filled up with all the ways it could go wrong, and am filled with images of people scoffing at it, or thinking it’s intense and too much. I fucked up a job recently and did way too much, and I can’t get over it. I let myself get too excited again. I always do this, I try too hard, and even when I succeed no one cares because no one wants the amount of information I put into things. However I can’t trust myself to leave stuff out because I know I’m an idiot and people will criticize me for not being thorough enough. 

I’ve been working on addressing the negative self talk and the why, but when I think about the why it just makes too much sense. I am autistic and trans and have ptsd, and am intense and a little conflict prone. I can mask for long enough to keep people around, but eventually I will have a bad day that will turn people off from me. I have been called a narcissist in angry paragraph long texts more than I can remember. I have been blocked by a lot of people. I am the problem. The pattern is that people hate me, or at least find me unpleasant to be around if they know me long enough. I can hide and stop myself for long enough but I will eventually reveal who I am. 

I know that when I feel like this I need to eat, but I gained a lot of weight recently, and when I’m at higher weights I feel even more disgusted with myself, and eating anything substantial makes me feel fat. I  just don’t know what to do. It feels like there’s nothing I can do. It feels like everything will lead to disaster. I need help but I don’t know where to go with this. Being open with this level of mental health issues just makes people leave faster. Plus, I already have a therapist, but whenever I try to address or push back the critical side of myself just gets very loud, and it makes so much sense, so I just get overwhelmed.