Seeing the loml in exactly 3 weeks and I think I made a huge mistake lol
Hot dogs and fries for dinner. 🍽️
WARNING: Long dump
So I don’t even know where to start lol.
2016 I fell in love with a man at my college. We will call him Brad. He was to me, this short unattractive individual who had a crush on me. We were in the same class and he kept staring at me. I personally thought he was this stuck up little boy who thought he was the shit. Well that’s how he carried himself.
As time went by I just basically ignored him and thought nothing of it. Well to my surprise the whole damn school practically wanted us to be together. And I mean THE WHOLE SCHOOL. Mind you, we went to a very very small art school in a very small town. After awhile random people would come to me and tell me how Brad had a crush on me and I would be like hahaha I know but I’m just not interested.
1 day one of my very very close friends and I was having a smoking session. Listening to music and he said “you should really give Brad a chance. He really likes you and you guys have so much in common. I truly believe you two could be happy together.” And that’s where I really started to think about him.
When I finally did give him a chance my life changed forever. The moment I felt his lips touch mine, my whole world changed and all I saw was him. All I wanted was him.
However, after about 6 months together our school basically shut down, which caused me and him to forcibly separate. We didn’t last that separation.
From the moment I fell in love with him to this very moment that I type this I have loved him. I have wanted him. Cared for him. Cried for him. My heart never healed.
Within maybe 3 years, we tried to be friends but didn’t work out. He ended up deleting me out of his life because we just weren’t getting along. I tried my hardest to move on but every person I dated I just ended up comparing to him.
Maybe 2021 I found out that he ended up getting married. That shit really broke me because damn. You know? He really got down on 1 knee for someone that wasn’t me. But whenever I did find out I reached out to him and told him congratulations and I hoped nothing but the best for him. But to my surprise he told me was getting a divorce 😱
lol like what are the odds? A head scratcher that’s for sure.
I didn’t push anything though. I offered him a friendship and it went from there. As these years went by i just kept my distance and allowed him to go through whatever he had to go through.
In 2024 I would say our simple friendship started becoming more flirtatious. We started getting to know each other again. He would come to me for different things and I was there for him. He would hint at me visiting but never actually made plans. 2025 is when things started getting really intense between us to the point where I think feelings started getting involved. He started calling me and making me feel like the most special girl in the world.
He told me he wanted to see me and could take it anymore so we planned it. He paid for everything and it’s all set.
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Now here is the stuff that’s really weighing on my mind and heart. Like wtf is actually wrong with me? lol why did I do this? We are now having very intense emotional conversations about our lives and our boundaries, our sex life, and traumas. And the more we talk the more I feel like this is was a huge mistake.
At the end of the day this man GOT A DIVORCE. Not just random break up. He found someone who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, idk how I randomly came into that narrative. He has tried to reassure me but he also brings up the things that hurt him and triggers him about her. He is very emotionally intelligent and he acknowledges that his feelings are purely based on trauma and have nothing to do with me but I can’t help think that there was no point to this.
He tells me how excited he is to see me. How he wants to work on a future with me and finally have the life that we wanted together but I just can’t shake the feeling that this man is just lonely. He said that since the divorce he hasn’t been able to really have sex, let alone talk to other women. He’s insecure. He’s not the same man I fell in love with but I mean how could he be. We were kids.
I’m trying to hold space for who he is now but all I see is this lonely man who needs that closeness again. However, when I talk to my friends and share our texts and conversations they tell me that these are all green flags. That he’s emotionally aware and still wants time with me.
I just can’t allow myself to open up. While he was falling in love with someone else I was crying and begging god to bring him back. And I have so much resentment towards him for marrying some random woman. Idk if it’s because of him or just the jealousy that he actually got to experience the one thing I’ve been wanting for years. I have resentment towards the ex wife for messing up this man to the point where now he is struggling to love himself. AND I have resentment that he still has pain when it comes to her.
While he was mourning her, I was mourning him. I have been living in this fantasy of hope that we are still somehow meant to be. But the veil is slowly lifting and now I’m stuck. I don’t think he really wants me to he just remembers and always known that I loved him. I truly loved him and I think he wants to just recreate that safe space. I do not trust that he truly has feelings for me now. Like how is ghat even possible?
My love will never be enough
At the end of the day this shit isn’t gonna matter.
I forgot to tell yall that I’m only going to see him for 3 days. 3 days after 10 whole years is CRAZY. Idk what I was thinking lol.
But anyway yeah guys. Idk what I need right now. Idk how to feel right now. Airbnb is bought. Plane tickets bought. Clothes bought. He’s planned this entire thing out.
Ps I know the story is a little vague, I just didn’t wanna write a whole book. If you have any questions please ask
Ps PLEASE do not be mean to me. Hold my hand with whatever you say. I’m just a girl who had the opportunity to see the love of her life and now the logic is finally setting in.
Send hugs 🫂