u/svmmpng

I’ve been struggling with the aftermath of confessing my feelings to my LO for the last 2 months. For context: he’s straight/married and my coworker, and we had been hanging out outside of work to go on walks. It got to a point where I couldn’t stand hearing him talk about other women he found attractive or his sexual experiences, so I made the decision to tell him that I’ve had a crush on him for two+ years. I didn’t bother telling him about limerence because that would probably be overwhelming, but I needed to get it off my chest. I didn’t tell him because I thought I had a chance, but rather to explain why I act distant sometimes, and hopefully get some closure on this with definitive rejection. He was fairly nice about it but I still don’t think I was ready for how hard I walk take the response despite preparing for the worst. What followed was a horrible depressive episode that’s had me feeling completely hopeless and lost for the last few months. He called me a few times afterwards just to “check in” (never mentioned it, just talked about him usual stuff- what he did that weekend, small talk, etc.) but that stopped after the first couple times. I’ve been avoiding going into the office in order to avoid him and, when I do go in, avoid him at all costs/work with my door closed/etc.

Fast forward to today, I’m frustrated with how much I’ve been suffering with this, while he is just fine/unbothered. I started therapy right after and it hasn’t really helped yet, but I need to regain some ground for control of my life. At what stage do I say fuck it and go back into the office, begin to look him in the eye again, and not be filled with fear? I want to kill that part of myself that just avoids the confrontation, and be proud of myself for facing this head on. I also don’t want to cause a reset and hurt myself further by exposing myself when I’m not ready.

I’ve never been this vulnerable before and hate feeling weak/afraid to exist in a shared space. I’m not sure if avoiding it is helping, or just making it worse.

This is torture. I’ve went pretty much no contact after confessing my feelings for him (no intent to try and ask him out because he’s straight and married, I only did it to give context to why I act weird, set some boundaries, and hopefully give myself some sort of closure), but all that’s come out of it is one of the worst months of my life. I don’t have a support structure- no family, no friends, he was pretty much the only thing I had to look forward to in life. It is such a dismal and lonely feeling to cut off the only person I felt close with.

I’ve just started therapy (not super hopeful with how the first few sessions have been and how expensive it is, but hopefully it will provide more value over time). I’ve tried distracting myself any way I can, binging youtube, focusing on work, going on walks, listening to music, playing games, lifting weights, reading, etc. I CANT stop thinking about him. Everything is a reminder, and it’s not just a passing thought; it’s another stab in the chest. Remembering things he said/actions he took that made me feel terrible, thinking of him being interested in other girls, doing things with girls, having fun with other friends. He was the most important person in my life, and I was completely inconsequential.

I just want to not care. I want him to be a fleeting thought. I don’t want to suffer any more with him plaguing my every waking moment. I want to be able to brush him off, acknowledge he’s gone, and move on with my life. Distraction isn’t working. “focusing on myself” isn’t working.