u/talkintothepeoples

. What would you do?

I’m an aunt who is becoming increasingly concerned about my 13-year-old nephew, and I honestly don’t know when concern becomes a reason to intervene.

He attends online school, facilitated by his mom, but participates very inconsistently. There is speculation of a possible PDA profile but no diagnosis, also had been diagnosed with ADHD. He cannot read, subtract or multiply.

When he does attend school, he often keeps his camera off, stays muted, and gives very short or one-word answers. At home, he refuses most things asked of him, including going to doctor appointments and participating in school but has endless videos games and internet at his fingertips.

My sister struggles with a lot of anxiety around his reactions, and from what I’ve witnessed, they seem stuck in a cycle where avoiding his meltdowns has become easier than getting him to do things he needs to do.

There have also been more serious incidents. When my sister has told him no—for example, refusing to buy expensive things online—he has physically pinned her down, taken her phone, and spent her money. He can scream for hours at night, and neighbors in their housing complex have repeatedly complained.

I understand that he possibly has learning and processing difficulties, and I don’t blame him for needing additional support. What scares me is that his needs may be going unmet because getting him to cooperate has become so overwhelming for my sister. She can’t really get him evaluated cause of his refusal to participate or cooperate.

I love them both, and I’m not trying to judge my sister. But I’m seeing enough red flags that staying quiet doesn’t feel right anymore. If this were your sister and nephew, what would you do?

My sister homeschools her 13-year-old son. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger, and she feels that he also has many traits associated with a PDA profile.
He is bright and capable in many ways, but he is significantly behind academically, particularly with reading. At 13, he still struggles to read independently and recognizes only a limited number of words by sight.
One of the biggest challenges is that he has an extremely difficult time with expectations or anything that feels like a demand, especially when it comes from an adult. Because attempts to enforce routines or expectations often result in major resistance, his mom has gradually backed away from a lot of academic expectations. Screens and gaming have also become difficult for her to put limits around.
My concern is that avoiding demands may be preventing conflict in the short term, but meanwhile he’s getting older and falling further behind in literacy. I’m not trying to diagnose him or argue about whether PDA is the explanation. I’m hoping to understand what effective support can actually look like for a teenager in this situation.
For parents who have dealt with significant demand avoidance along with ADHD or learning difficulties: What actually helped your child make academic progress?
Did you work with a neuropsychologist, reading specialist, occupational therapist, school program, PDA-informed therapist, or someone else? Are there approaches to teaching reading that worked particularly well without turning every lesson into a battle?
And if you were starting with a 13-year-old who was this far behind, what would you pursue first?
I’d especially appreciate hearing from parents who have been through something similar.